The Starving Games Page #2

attached to them,

we'll send them off

to their horrific slaughter.

Let's meet

our first contestant.

Going in order

from District One,

he's the odds-on favorite

to win this thing.

He's blond. He's Waspy.

He's the Aryan youth

incarnate.

He's Marco!

Yeah!

Ahh! Yeah!

Hello, guy.

Tell us

about yourself.

I'm from District One.

It's a prime district.

Who are you?

I'm Cinnamon,

your stylist.

How are you

holding up?

I'm scared.

I don't want to die.

Ahh. I'm here

to tell you

that I

believe in you.

You can win this.

I looked

at your records,

and you are smarter and

craftier than all of them.

Really? You think

that I can win?

Yes, Patricia.

I know it.

Who's Patricia?

You're not the girl

from District Three?

No, I'm from

District 12.

You know, this is

perfectly normal.

You seem like you strong--

And now, from District 12,

Peter Malarkey.

So, Peter, tell us,

is there a special

someone in your life?

Yeah.

Yeah, there is someone.

Aww.

Aww.

Ohh.

Well, do tell.

The person's

actually here tonight,

a person who is...

also in the Games.

In the Games with you?

Aww.

Aww.

Well, go on.

Well...

it's a person

I've been wanting

to get closer to

for a long time.

You son of a b*tch.

So...

tall,

with beautiful eyes

and a smoking

hot bod, but...

you know,

more than anything,

this person's

got a lot of heart.

Aww.

Aww.

Well, you must tell us.

Who is it?

It's Marco!

Me?

Heh.

Huh?

Huh?

Let's hear it

for Peter.

You little sh*t!

I'm gonna stick

a foot in your ass!

Ohh! Jeez.

What the hell

was that about?

It's called

building an alliance.

Haven't you ever watched

"Survivor" or "Big Brother"?

- Aah!

- When's--

When was the last time

you trimmed your toenails?

Ohh.

And now, for our

final contestant,

from District 12,

Kantmiss Evershot.

Whoo!

Let's take a look.

Kantmiss is the best

big sister in the world.

She takes care of me.

She feeds me. She clothes me.

She even reads to me.

Ever since Dad died,

Mom's been

a little bummed out,

but that doesn't stop the three of

us from having a whole lot of fun.

From the first time

I saw Kantmiss, I knew.

I knew she was

the one for me.

She's got class.

She's a real lady.

Oh, my God.

Ohh!

Oh, my God.

Ohh!

Ohh!

Isn't that

just touching?

Aww.

Aww.

Let's bring her out,

shall we?

Kantmiss Evershot!

So, Kantmiss,

that's quite a dress.

Give us a little spin.

Heh. Go on.

Don't be shy.

Very nice.

Oh.

Wow, I'm getting word

that flames

actually ignite

from the dress.

Flames?

Oh! ! Oh!

- Oh, my God.

- Oh,.

Oh, . Aah!

Why are you clapping,

you stupid?!

Aah!

- I'm on fire!

- I'm on fire!

Let's hear it for Kantmiss,

the girl on fire!

Ah,!

It's on fire!

It's on fire! It burns!

I'm on fire!!

Good morning, sport fans,

and welcome to the 75th

annual Starving Games.

I'm your host Bob Hylox,

and with me is my sidekick

and color commentator,

Cleaver Williams.

Cleaver, how you doing?

Excited about

today's Games?

Fantastic.

Cleaver is a past

Games winner, of course.

In fact, Cleaver,

why don't you tell everybody

in the district watching,

how you got

that delightful nickname.

I used a meat cleaver

to kill everyone.

Still got the old moves.

Hello, Siri.

Hello, Seleca.

How's it hanging, boo?

Low and to the left.

Good one.

All right.

Looks like the contestants

have taken the field.

All right, Siri,

cut to the field.

Say your prayers, my son,

'cause you are dead.

And the countdown

has begun.

30,

29...

Oh, God.

28...

27...

Hmm?

26...

25...

24,

23,

22...

21...

Now, it's very important

that the contestants

don't move

off the silver circles

before zero.

Otherwise, kablammo,

as the field is booby-trapped

with explosives.

Don't need to remind me.

I went too soon, and I

still can't poop right.

How 'bout that?

13,

12...

11...

Huh?

What are you

doing here?

We were asked

to perform

at the opening

ceremony.

This is the arena.

Oh, you're looking

for stage two.

Oh. Thanks.

Thanks.

Oops.

Wow! What a way

to start the Games!

10,

9...

8...

7...

6,

5...

4...

3...

2...

Siri, more blood.

Oh.

Much better.

Ooh!

Ooh!

Yeah, Marco! Yeah!

Let go!

I got here first!

Yaah!

Now give it to me!

No. I'm not letting go.

There is a dagger

in your back!

I'm okay!

What?

It's fine.

It's fine?

Seriously?

You're not letting go?

I want this backpack!

I want this backpack!

I want it. It's mine!

I'm not letting go!

That was my backpack!

What was that sound?

It's the cannon.

They shoot it off

to announce whenever

someone is killed.

Nice.

Looks like the odds

just got better

for me, then.

My balls!

Oh! That has

got to hurt.

Let's see

an instant replay.

My balls!

My balls!

My balls!

My ball--

My ball--

My--My ball--

My ball--

My balls!

That makes me

laugh, Bob.

Get away from me!

Wow!

Who is this girl?

What district

is she from?

I'm standing here

in scummy District 12,

where people can't believe

that Peter and Kantmiss

have actually survived

the opening.

You can see

the excitement is high,

as no one from this district

has won in a very long time.

Yeah!

Unh!

Go, Kantmiss! Whoo!

That's my girl!

That's my girl!

Yeah!

Back to you

in the studio.

I'm on TV!

Thanks, Stanley.

And how's the scoreboard

looking, Cleaver?

Got a lot

of people dead.

Still,

lot of people alive.

Enlightening.

Oh, looks like Kantmiss

is making her way

to the outer edge

of the arena.

Siri, slow her down.

Ow.

Now let's get Kantmiss back

to the center of the action.

Holla!

And cue the thrilling

action music.

Ooh.

Hmm.

Oh, you want

to play, huh? Okay.

Siri.

Yeah, what you need?

Attack her

with the latest

technological weaponry

we have.

Whoo-hah!

Oh, sh*t!

Yah! Whee hee hee!

Hee hee hee!

No.

What? What?

Orange you glad

to see me?

Hey, hey, hey!

What do you get

when you cross an orange

with Quentin Tarantino?

"Pulp Fiction."

You get it?

Pulp.

Hey, Kantmiss,

last time I saw

tits that small,

I was staring

at a pair of kumquats.

Aah!

Go, Kantmiss!

Ooh,

she sure showed

yo' sorry ass up!

You--You shut up, Siri.

You shut up!

Sh*t. Don't hate

the player.

You--

Hate the game!

Wow! I've never seen

anyone do that before.

She's badass.

Respect.

Reminds me

a little bit of myself.

I'll stop now before

I get too emotional.

Eat my ass!

Think you're so tough?

Well, come back

from this, b*tch!

Hey, guys, come on!

Let's go this way!

Come on. Hurry!

Let's go!

When I see her,

she's mine.

She's gotta be

around here somewhere.

You sure Kantmiss

came this way?

Uh, I know it.

How can we be so sure

that we can trust you?

I mean, didn't you volunteer

to be in the games

just so you can get

closer to Kantmiss?

No.

I mean, maybe at first,

but I don't

like her anymore.

Really?

Well, you know,

back in District 12,

she's--

she's known

as quite the whore.

Ahh.

There.

Heh.

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