The Starving Games Page #3

Nice work, Peter.

Thanks.

I'm gonna bust her gut

wide open.

This little princess

is all mine.

Raah!

And there's

Kantmiss!

Oh, no.

We're gonna kill you.

Right after we eat

our delicious treats.

Huh?

How can you

be with them?

I don't know.

I--I guess I just...

really like them.

Th-They're so cool

and popular.

I mean, I'm in

the high school A/V club.

I've never been able to hang

with the in crowd before.

Mmm.

Stay with us.

So good.

Mmm. Oh.

Hey, they said they want

to go to prom with me.

We're gonna rent a limo

and everything.

Isn't that awesome?

Peter, they are

just using you.

There can only be one winner

of the Starving Games.

Right.

All right, Kantmiss,

game over.

Glammer, you're up.

Whoo-hoo-hoo!

Oh! Looks like we got

ourselves a streaker.

Happens every Game.

What a yahoo.

Get out of here, man.

Get out of here!

Come back here.

Come back here.

Give me that.

Nice impaling.

Yeah.

He did this.

Then it did that.

Indeed, Cleaver.

And that's

definitely gonna be

our Kill of the Day!

Kill of the Day!

Kill of the Day--

of the Day!

Our Kill of the Day

is brought to you

by BetLife

insurance.

Because life

is precious...

BetLife.

How are we going

to kill her?

Ahem.

Uh...

why don't

we just take off,

uh, go kill

some other kids

and come back later?

We'll wait.

She has to come down

sooner or later.

Gross.

Hey.

Shh.

Oh.

Have the bees

land on their heads.

Okay. No, shh. Shh.

Those are tracker bees.

Getting stung causes

serious hallucinations.

Or death.

Oh!

Ow! Ow!

Oh! My ass! Aah!

I think I

just swallowed one!

Whoa.

Ooh.

Whoa. Ooh.

What--

Oh, my God. Oh!

Oh. Oh.

Whoo.

Oh.

No way.

Double rainbow.

Whoo!

Double rainbow! Ha!

Oh.

It's starting to look

like a quadruple rainbow!

Oh, my Gooood!

Yes! Yes!

Ah ha ha!

Oh, taste the rainbow.

Ooh.

Oh. Oh.

Oh. Wha?

Oh, my--

What is...

Oh.

Do not make

any sudden movements.

What's wrong?

I've never

seen this happen before.

What are they?

Soul keepers.

Soul keepers!

Ah! Oh, my God! Get 'em off!

Get 'em off!

Get 'em off!

Get 'em off!

You are not

keeping my soul!

Oh! Why?

Right above your head.

No, no, no, no.

Whew.

I think

I got 'em all.

Soul Keepers hold all of the

souls of our ancient ancestors.

There goes my sister,

my grandma

and my drunk

Aunt Sheila.

Oops.

Who are you?

We are a proud

and ancient people

created by James Cameron.

I'm the king

of the world!

Here.

Give me your hair.

We'll join the ends

and make love,

Na'vi style.

Okay.

Ohh.

Yeah.

Oh, yes.

Kantmiss.

Kantmiss!

Kantmiss!

Kantmiss!

Yes.

Kantmiss! Kantmiss!

Kantmiss!

Are you trying

to hook up with me?

What? No!

No, no, no, no. Um...

I think that I was

just hallucinating.

You better not be.

I'm only 12.

The way I see it,

if we're gonna survive,

we should

work together.

But what happens if we're

the last two standing?

I won't hesitate.

This competition

is kill or be killed,

and I will kill you

where you stand,

dead, end of story.

Sh*t ain't personal,

strictly business

ya dig?

Okay. Here's what

I was thinking.

I could set some fires

to flush Marco and his crew

out into the clearing,

and if you find

a bow and arrow,

you could pick 'em off.

No, no. That's--

That's a great idea,

and Marco

will never see it coming.

Hello?

I'm right here.

Run! Run!

Get her!

Sh*t.

Totally outnumbered.

What do I do?

What do I do?

Think, Kantmiss. Think.

Hemorrhoidal irritation.

Aggravate with a swift

kick to the posterior.

Raah!

Low-hung scrotum.

Debilitate with

concise rabbit punch

to the testicular sac.

Awkward metallic orthodontic

corrective device.

Snap rubber bands to create

blunt force to the cranium.

Rampant adolescent

acne vulgaris.

Ah.

Prescribe

topical acne cream.

Pubescent boy

with raging hormones.

Disarm with natural assets.

Allow to motorboat.

You're pretty.

Raah!

Hee.

You ready to die?

Not really!

I mean, kind of hoping

I could stick around

for the sequel?

Huh?

Huh?

Mm!

All right!

We know what that sound is.

It's the end of the half.

Ah, that sucks.

I wanted

to see her die.

Halftime

with the Starving Games

cheerleaders,

presented by Viagra.

Eh, I like it, Siri,

but it's not--

it's not popping.

Don't worry, boo.

I got you.

More filthy and

gratuitous T&A coming up.

Kantmiss, what an

exciting first half.

Tell us what you're

thinking right now.

First off, I want to thank my

Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.

And, uh, I'm thinking

about winning, Stanley.

I just want to win.

Bob.

Stanley, do you get

a sense that Kantmiss

is aware of the frenzy

she's creating?

I don't think so, Bob.

She's electrifying.

Cleaver's Electrifying

Halftime Highlights.

Aah!

Take a look at what's trending

right now on Twitter.

Helen in District 7 tweets,

"Kantmiss gives me hope!"

And Thomas

in District 11 writes,

"Kantmiss rocks,

UR sooooo hot!"

And Tyrone in the District

of Compton tweets,

"Yo, that ho Kantmiss

is da bomb,

she's mad blowin' up

in da hood, yo!"

Smiley face emoticon.

She is blowin' up,

and I had

the chance to be

on the ground in

Kantmiss' own district,

where Kantmiss fever is

at an all-time high!

I'm here in District 12,

where everyone

is going nuts.

It's the ultimate

underdog Cinderella story,

and the po' folks here

is eating it up,

buying up merchandise with any

and everything that has to do

with Kantmiss

or the Starving Games.

T-shirts, mugs,

totes, koozies

and bobbleheads.

Look at me.

I'm just like Kantmiss.

Ohh!

Mis cojones.

Yes! Direct hit!

I'm gonna

shoot him again.

Ai! Cheese enchilada!

Oh, that felt good.

That was a close one.

Yeah.

I almost got you.

I know.

I was like, "Ohh."

Take previous positions.

Game on!

Yay!

You ready to die?

Aah! Aah!

You little turd!

Hey!

Hey!

Aah!

Rudy.

Rudy.

Sing me a lullaby.

Okay.

Not you!

Her!

Am I gonna die?

No. No, no, no.

Of course

you're not gonna die.

Worms? Isn't that

a little dramatic?

Damn you, Taylor Swift.

What an emotional and...

moving death, Cleaver.

It would bring

a tear to my eye

if my tear ducts

weren't lacerated.

Ohh.

Ohh.

I'm sorry.

This is bullshit.

The Capital can't just

treat us like pawns.

Yeah!

Yeah!

Our life is our own,

and they can't just

make us kill each other

for their own

sick amusement!

Yeah!

Yeah!

What do you say?

Let's riot

and overthrow this

totalitarian government

once and for all!

Yeah!

Yeah!

Whoo-hoo!

We take a half-pound

of grade-A beef...

and top it with cheese.

Then we top it with chili...

and a hot dog and ribs

and smother it with

low-cal ranch dressing.

Then we top it with a slice

of pepperoni pizza,

with a sesame-seed bun.

Mmm, mmm.

Hey, uh...

are we still

gonna riot?

Maybe later.

I'm too hungry now.

Then we add

barbeque sauce...

tomato, onion and lettuce.

Then we add pork rinds,

Funyuns, broccoli,

nacho cheese,

Spam and wings...

and ham hocks, chitlins.

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