The Starving Games Page #4

Don't forget

the watermelon wedge.

Top it all off with two scoops

of pistachio ice cream,

and finish it with

another sesame-seed bun.

The 600,000 calorie

triple bypass burger.

Starbucks?

Got a free latte for it.

Kantmiss fever is causing

a serious problem.

We almost

had a riot.

What should we do?

Give them more.

I don't understand.

The Starving Games

is a hit.

Just look at the trades.

We could finally

win an Emmy.

But the show's missing

one important thing.

What does

every successful show need

to bring it

to the next level?

I know exactly

what you mean.

A love story!

A lesbian love story!

Wait.

Lesbian love story?

Who doesn't like to see

two chicks get it on?

I know I do, big time.

But there aren't

any other women

left alive

in the Games.

Fine.

Do your normal

straight love story.

Bor-ing.

Oh, and, Seleca...

throw in a surprise twist

at the end,

like she dies or something.

I like that.

Attention, contestants.

Attention, contestants.

Attention, contestants.

We have a rule change.

There can now be two winners

of the Starving Games.

Great.

So Marco and Peter

can team up

to kill me.

Uh, specifically two people

of different genders.

Oh.

Okay. Okay.

So I hook up

with Marco,

and we kill

Peter together.

Yes!

Yeah. I like that.

No, we were thinking more like

you could team up with Peter.

No!

No!

No!

No!

No, no, I, um--

I like the whole

Marco idea better.

Hey, Kantmiss,

do me a favor here,

and hook up with Peter.

Please.

I could lose

my job for this.

And that's

my problem how?

Oh, hey.

Heh heh. Hey, guys.

What's going on?

Nah, don't worry.

I got it under control.

I swear.

W-What are you--

What are you doing?

Um...

Ohh!

I thought

we were friends.

Ah, thanks.

But I got us backstage

passes to Justin Bieber.

Oh, my God.

No. No, no,

don't you do it!

Right.

Um, I'm just gonna go team up

with Peter now, so...

Hmm.

Peter, are you here?

I'm camouflaged.

Where are you?

I'm over here.

I don't see you.

I used my skills

as a baker

to seamlessly blend in

to my surroundings.

Okay, well,

can you give me a hint?

I'm in the cake.

Oh.

You're injured.

Marco found out that I

really wasn't into him

and that I ultimately

was protecting you.

And he did this to you?

No.

I just got

my back waxed.

Aah!

Oh, that--

that looks bad.

I mean, it's...

Oh.

Aah!

Oh, it's really oozy.

Ow. Okay.

Well,

stop poking it!

Okay, well, we should

take care of you

before the infection

starts to take over.

Come on.

Ooh.

Aah!

Sorry.

Stop poking it, please.

Okay.

Ah, they're

cute together

Yeah, well, I still

want them to die.

Yeah. Duh!

Okay.

Marco won't find us

in here. Come on.

I hope

they get naked.

Come on!

Oh.

Night's falling.

It's gonna get freezing.

You've got a fever.

Here.

I'll check my bag

for something

for warmth.

Thanks, Kantmiss.

A Snuggie!

Ah. Mmm.

So warm and comfy.

What? Huh?

You know...

I've had a crush on you

for the longest time.

I used to follow you home

from school every day.

Every day.

And I remember

when you got

your first dress-up dolly

on your eighth birthday.

And when you turned 12

and got your first period.

I watched you shower

every night,

and after you got out,

I would pick through the

drain and collect your hair.

What?

You made

a hair doll of me?

Not just one.

Ohh.

That's you and me,

and those are our six kids.

And who's that?

That's our puppy, Alphie.

Woof woof!

Woof!

Eww.

She's the runt

of the litter,

but we love her

all the same.

Ohh.

Ah, you got

a hairy chick, dude.

I'm so hungry.

Poor baby.

Soup!

What?

That'll definitely

make you feel better.

Hmm?

What?

I--I think that they want

us to be more romantic,

and, in return, they'll send

us stuff to make you better.

Sounds good to me.

Sorry, Dale.

What?!

Really?

Ooh.

Oh, come on.

Hey, who thinks

they're gonna do it?

We do!

We do!

Screw you all!

What is it now?

All right!

Peter, I don't know

if I can do this.

Oh, my back.

I'm dying.

I don't know how much

longer I can hang on.

All right. Let's...

give them

what they want.

Fantastic.

True dat.

Ow. Ow!

Can you not grab

my butt so hard?

I'm not touching

your butt at all.

Ohh!

Do not be afraid.

I am but

a kindly old wizard.

Get your hand

off my ass!

Right. Well...

let me explain.

You see,

we were traveling.

We were on--

We were on our way

to the Misty--

the Misty

Mountains, yes.

And then

we heard a moan

coming from

inside this cave,

and fearing it to be

a moan of distress

and being the good

Samaritans that we are,

we came in here

to help you.

Get out!

Yes. Well. Okay.

I bid you adieu.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Whoa!

Yeah, love it!

I love it! Yeah!

Not her first trip

to the rodeo, eh?

Oh, yeah! Oh, Kantmiss!

Yeah! Oh!

Wow!

Whoa.

Ohh!

Ohh!

Oh, Peter, yes!

Score!

Even I don't get

to do that!

Oh, give me your hand.

Oh, God.

Yes!

Ride the donkey. Yes!

Ohh! Ohh!

And it's

even better in 3-D.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Ooh.

Thanks again

for last night.

Now that you're better,

we have to go out there.

We have to kill Marco so we can

both win the game and go home.

I--I would, but...

I think the infection's

starting to come back.

Don't push it!

Where do you think

you're going?

You can't go in there!

Whoa! Did you--Ha!

He's right there.

When are they gonna

kill each other already?

I'm getting bored.

Me, too.

Aah!

It's time to end this

once and for all.

Siri.

Dang!

What you need now?

Let's have a grand finale.

Send in the big guns.

Oh, sh*t.

I'll give you a war

you wouldn't believe.

Hasta la vista, baby.

Yippie-ki-yay--

Oh.

Damn it. I don't

have a catchphrase.

Ha ha ha!

I have so many of them.

I'll be back.

You know what

I mean, Chuck?

No.

Because I'm

Chuck Norris,

and catchphrases

need me!

Enh.

Why don't you shut up,

you smarty-pants wisenheimer

piece of sh*t?!

Let's just kill 'em.

Oh.

Ready!

Aim.

Yes!

Yo, Adrian!

Fire!

Gah!

Dale?

Dale?

What's going on

with you and this guy?

I'll talk to you

about it later.

I saw you kiss him.

I am in the middle

of a death match.

Do you like him?

Dale, you are

embarrassing me.

Go home.

Nyah.

No! If anyone

should leave...

he should.

Okay. Yeah.

I-I'll leave.

Now, Dale!

Fine.

Fine!

But I'm changing my

Facebook status to single.

Sorry about that.

He's always

been really clingy.

That's cool.

Unbelievable.

What are you

gonna do, Kantmiss?

You shoot and miss,

lover boy here is dead.

Yes!

No, no, no, no!

Huh?

Huh?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Oh!

Oh!

That'll work.

How about that, Cleaver?

Against all odds,

they've done it. They've won.

Yay.

Whew!

Peter, we won.

We survived!

We're both going home.

Attention, contestants.

There has been

yet another rule change.

And if you're thinking

what I'm thinking,

you're right.

There again

can be only one winner.

Good luck.

What if we don't give

'em the satisfaction?

What if we

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