The Stepford Wives Page #2

And I bet even in Scarsdale,

it'd take 45 minutes. Six minutes or so.

Any of the rest of you

wanna have an accident,

make sure you do it

right here in Stepford.

- OK, pull it on out.

- Six minutes. Can you beat that?

Well, I guess that's

the friendliest accident I ever saw.

- You know...

- What?

We may be new here,

but isn't Stepford Hospital that way?

Oh, no, no, no, you're wrong. It...

No, no...

You're not wrong. The ambulance

went that way, didn't it?

Mommy.

Mommy.

What is it?

What is it, sweetie?

I think Teddy's gonna cry all night.

Oh, no, look.

- He's happy. Lookit.

- No, that's his unhappy face.

He doesn't like it here.

He's gonna be crying all night.

- What do you think has upset him?

- He doesn't like this room.

Oh, yes, he does.

He told me he loves it here.

He loves the quiet.

He's thinking about all the honey

he can get out in the trees here.

He told me he liked it even better

than Central Park

because he can take walks

by himself,

and he doesn't have to worry

about getting lost.

He's really a Stepford bear.

He really knows his way around.

Walter?

You all right?

Yeah.

It's awfully late.

Everything go OK at the initiation?

It wasn't an initiation.

This is not a college fraternity.

They just showed me

around the place,

and they asked me if I wanted to join.

And I said, yes, I did.

Good.

Walter, I was worried.

I wake up,

it's the middle of the night.

You're sitting here alone, drinking.

Why are you sitting here?

Why didn't you come to bed?

I'm coming to bed.

Did anybody say something

to upset you?

I'm not upset.

There's nothing to be upset about.

- Everything's fine.

- It's not fine.

I was worried. Walter, I love you,

but you expect me to be a mind reader.

I love you.

I really love you.

Do you...? Do you know that?

I really do. And I know

I've screwed this whole thing up.

- You didn't wanna move here.

- Look...

- I know that, no.

- I'll get over it.

I've already gotten over it.

That's not what I'm talking about.

Do you understand that

I really love you?

Yeah. Yes.

Let's go to bed.

I feel like I'm getting old.

You're not getting old.

I feel like it.

Hi.

- Are you Joanna Eberhart?

- Yes.

The Joanna Eberhart?

Avid shutterbug, ex-Gothamite who

misses the noise of the naked city?

Yes.

Hey, boy, am I glad to see you.

Hi, I'm Bobby. Bobby Markowe.

That's upward mobility for Markowitz.

I'm also an ex-Gothamite, who's been

living here in Ajax country

for just over a month now,

and I'm going crazy.

You see, doctor, my problem is that,

given complete freedom of choice,

I don't wanna squeeze

the goddamn Charmin.

Anyway, I saw your name here.

- I hope you don't think...

- Oh, no.

Yeah, it was fantastic, fantastic.

Here you are. Wait a minute, I think

you got a headline. Wait a minute.

- No.

- You got a headline on this page.

Here she is.

"Eberhart moves to Stepford."

- I wish they'd use one of my...

- "Avid shutterbug."

I knew you were fantastic,

you are.

Have I seen any of your pictures

in magazines? I know I must have.

- I doubt it.

- Right? You're terrific.

I know you are. Eber... I don't know,

but I think I do know you.

- Anyway.

- No, but I'm glad to have a friend.

Me too. How do you do?

Listen, you wanna go

and have something to drink?

- Eat.

- Eat?

- Yeah.

- OK.

- I got all this junk here.

- Got any smokes?

I dropped my best camera on my foot.

Have you really got film

in those things?

Oh, yes.

I'm the very avid shutterbug.

Yeah, listen, I really...

To tell you the truth,

ordinarily, I don't pay

any attention to that newspaper,

- because it's full of it, you know.

- I know.

I saw your name,

and it stood out for some reason.

Whatever made you

choose Stepford?

- Oh, I didn't. Walter did.

- Oh, yeah, it figures.

Dave brought us here

because of land values.

He's best in bed

when the market's up.

I think I'll break into

Walter's Scotch.

Hey, hey, hey, you know something,

I'm gonna like you.

Yeah.

A messy kitchen. It's beautiful.

A home away from home.

Oh, my, of course,

it doesn't compare to mine.

You haven't got

any of those magnificent

peanut-butter handprints

all over your cabinets yet.

But then, you're new here,

and Stepford wasn't ruined in a day.

Hello, Hi-C.

Hey, you want a Ring Ding?

I smuggled it over the border.

- What year is it?

- '59, a collector's item.

- It'd be great with Scotch.

- Yeah.

Two things I always carry:

Tampax and Ring Dings.

And I don't even wanna

think what that means.

I'll tell you. Thanks.

I can't figure out this burg.

It's like maids have been

declared illegal,

and the housewife

with the neatest place

gets Robert Redford for Christmas.

And believe me,

if that's the prize, I'd enter,

but nobody will tell what

the contest rules are.

- Cheers.

- Cheers.

Not to mention that

creepy Men's Association.

- Yours too?

- Every night.

Dave wouldn't miss.

- What do you think they do up there?

- Watch dirty movies

and reminisce about

the good old days.

What good old days?

Like those good old days when

Playboy used the airbrush.

Ring Dings and Scotch,

great combination.

- We may have started something.

- I'll drink to that, cheers.

Totally disgusting.

- Don't you like it?

- I don't know which one I like the best.

You're very honest. That's what

I like about you. It's awful.

Hey, it's me.

And I'm here, and I'm on

the New Projects committee.

Yeah, New Projects.

Well, how would you feel about some

of the guys meeting at our house?

- Well, like now, tonight.

- Well, OK.

Yeah, that'd be great. I actually get

to see you and some living people.

- Give me a few minutes, huh?

- We'll be along in about 20 minutes.

All right. Bye-bye.

- She'd love it.

- Good.

You're not altogether sure about

Stepford yet, are you, Walter?

No, no, that's not true.

I think I am. It's...

It's a big change.

You've got to admit that.

A change for the better, Walter.

See, I intend to really fix

this place up, you know.

I thought I'd...

...make it into sort of

a den-cum-playroom.

Maybe I'll put the pool table

right over there.

I thought I'd go to town, you know,

really spoil myself.

It'd be great for the kids.

Well, who's talking about the kids?

This is a playroom.

They ain't gonna be allowed in.

I like to watch women

doing little domestic chores.

You came to the right town.

Who was the one wanted tea?

Claude.

Claude Axhelm.

- He's the one who...

- Stutters.

I'm not good on names.

Why do they call you "Dis"?

Because I used to work

at Disneyland.

- No, really.

- That's really. Don't you believe me?

No.

- Why not?

- You don't look like someone

who enjoys making

other people happy.

It was on the market

for about six months.

No kidding. Six months.

- Excuse me, your tea.

- Thank you.

Oh, you know, I'm really

into speech work, words.

Perhaps we might talk

about it sometime.

Oh, yes, certainly, absolutely.

Let's get you a napkin.

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