The Stooge

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Lackawanna 8-799.

Hello. Hello.

l'm so afraid to close my eyes

Afraid that l'll find

- That was mighty pretty, honey.

- Oh, hello.

Say, are you doing anything

tomorrow after the matinee?

- No.

- How would you like to get married?

- Well, you got someone in mind?

- Yes. Me.

Well, best offer l had today.

Suppose l think it over?

All right, you take your time.

l'll hold on.

OK.

This lovely thrill is just a silly illusion

With my eyes wide open

Do l deserve such a break?

You know, l think l can make it.

Good. Oh, by the way,

what was that name again?

- Miller. Bill Miller.

- Oh, how nice.

- Well, good night, Mr. Miller.

- Now, one minute.

- Who are you?

- Well, l'm Mary Turner.

Good night, darling.

See you in church.

See you in church.

Mighty pretty. Mighty pretty.

Thank you, sir.

The agent's slice, Leo.

The usual ten percent.

Looks like a small cut to me.

- Hello, Mary.

- Hi, honey.

And to you and Mary, the best of luck,

forever and a day.

- l'll miss you, Bill.

- l'm gonna miss you too, Ben.

You've been swell.

We had great years.

Why the gloom, boys?

This is a wedding, not a wake.

For the act, it's a wake. Bill's leaving.

Well, l want to play the big time

on my own, as a single.

Oh, is that so?

l tell you, you're out of your head,

quitting a great comic like Ben Bailey.

l did a single before.

l know a lot more now.

l've learned from Ben.

Listen, Bill,

when l found you in Scranton,

you were making a fast 60.

You had those flashy two-pants

suits and ragged underwear.

Who got you to play

that chest piano?

Who built you up to 1 250?

Who bought you your first tuxedo?

- l did!

- Bill,

the trick in show business

is to be a hit.

With another guy, with a girl,

with a kangaroo, anything.

Look, you're my friend,

but l don't think you can make it alone.

Now, don't try to talk me out of it, boys.

l'm gonna start again in Scranton.

Alone. lf l have anything,

l'll be back here again, alone.

My name will be on top, alone.

Maybe you should have

got married, alone.

l don't think you can stand two

talented people in the same family.

l'm sorry, fellas. l'm doing a single.

A singing, dancing, talking comedian.

l love you, Leo, but since an hour ago,

l have a wife to take care of.

l gotta start sometime.

OK. Start.

Well, what do you say, Leo,

do l make any sense?

lf you really mean what you just said,

you make sense.

l think any man has a right

to do what he wants to...

...providing he doesn't hurt anyone.

But you've got to

have material, jokes.

Well, l have Al Borden writing

an act for me right now.

He's the greatest gagman

in America.

- You think so?

- l do.

That makes two of you. You and Al.

Now, look, Leo,

will you leave that to me?

All l want you to do is get the bookings

and you can start now.

Oh, there you are.

Say, isn't there something

about the groom dancing with

the bride on their wedding day?

l'll bet you made that up.

Will you excuse us, Leo?

- Well, Al Borden!

- Congratulations.

Glad you came.

Excuse me, will you, honey?

Say, are you serious?

You just got married.

Thank you, Mr. Borden,

for my first wedding present.

Leo.

- Mary needs a partner.

- Mary isn't the only one.

Al, listen...

You don't think he's doing

the right thing, do you?

You mean quitting Ben?

As an agent, no.

As a friend...

And what about me

leaving Sutherland?

Mary...

...you leaving Sutherland after

all your hard work? And mine?

Bill doesn't want me

to work anymore.

Love, he can handle, but l wish he'd

leave the business end of it to me.

You'll keep on looking out for him,

won't you, Leo?

For ten percent, l'd look after

my own mother-in-law.

Well, l wouldn't say she had buckteeth,

but she was the only girl l knew

that could eat an apple

through a picket fence.

That was funny.

And so l said to the fellow,

''lf that's your wife, buddy,

you're in a lot of trouble.''

That was funny, wasn't it?

- Yeah, that was funny 20 years ago.

- Well, don't worry.

Once Bill starts to warm them up,

the audience will really go.

They're going now.

Out of the theater.

''Short, short story.

''Ben Bailey broke in new partner,

''socko Baltimore, ditto Boston,

ditto Washington.''

Here's the important part:

''Bill Miller, single, 1 2 minutes.

''Lays egg in Newark,

''ditto Camden, ditto Wilkes-Barre,

ditto Scranton.''

- That wiseacre! l'll call those guys...

- Shut up!

- What?

- l said, shut up.

You've got yourself in a spot

because you got a swellhead.

Some fairy godmother

must have whispered to you

and told you that you

don't need nobody.

Well, you better stop listening

to pixies and listen to your agent.

You're not a single,

you never will be.

You're a nice guy, and you got talent,

and you got a nice wife,

but you're gonna blow them all off

if you don't start listening!

Want to hear what's wrong

with your act?

Well, sit down,

because l'm gonna tell you.

You think that you can come out

and sing and be cute.

Well, cute songs

are a nickel a dozen.

You need a new opening.

A comedy song and two funny stories.

Not those broken-down jokes

from Al Borden.

And a finish.

Did you ever hear about that?

A ''San Francisco'' finish.

Cohan did it with a flag.

lt's the most important thing of all!

- Well, it's easy to tell me about it.

- Yeah? Well, here's how you do it.

You go down to any

music publishing house,

and you get one of those

schnook song pluggers.

You put him out in the audience,

then you introduce him.

- But l don't want any...

- Yes, there you go again!

He's not your partner, he's a stooge!

All you have to say is,

''Ladies and gentlemen, we're very

lucky to have in the audience

''this afternoon a Mr. Sam Jones

or Mr. Bruce Anybody,

''the author of that big song hit,

'Your Father's Mustache'

''or 'Your Uncle's Pistol'.''

Then you roust the guy around.

The audience laughs. lt's sock.

You think that'll be good?

What do you want,

a sworn affidavit?

l'll call Sam Robertson

and get you a guy.

Now, get out of here, l'm busy.

Hello?

Hello, Leo.

Yeah. Song plugger?

Oh, no, Leo, l need all l've got.

Wait a minute, Leo, wait a minute.

l think l've got just the boy for you.

Yes. Oh, you'll love this kid.

Sure, you can pay him

what l pay him, 1 5 dollars a week.

Yeah, he loves to sing

and he's smart as a whip.

That's right.

OK, Leo. Goodbye.

Miss Reagan,

what did that idiot do this time?

He dropped a stack of records.

- ls he bleeding?

- No, l don't think so.

Oh, too bad.

Well, anyway, l think

we're going to lose him.

You mean they're gonna come

and take him away?

No, but l've just put over the biggest

business deal of my career.

- Where is he?

- He's on his lunch hour.

He's allowed 30 minutes.

Well, take his head out of the feedbag

and tell him l want to see him.

He's very insistent

on that full half-hour.

He puts great stress

on proper nourishment.

You tell him l want

to see him right away!

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