The Stooge
- NOT RATED
- Year:
- 1951
- 100 min
- 115 Views
Lackawanna 8-799.
Hello. Hello.
l'm so afraid to close my eyes
Afraid that l'll find
- That was mighty pretty, honey.
- Oh, hello.
Say, are you doing anything
tomorrow after the matinee?
- No.
- How would you like to get married?
- Well, you got someone in mind?
- Yes. Me.
Well, best offer l had today.
Suppose l think it over?
All right, you take your time.
l'll hold on.
OK.
This lovely thrill is just a silly illusion
With my eyes wide open
Do l deserve such a break?
You know, l think l can make it.
Good. Oh, by the way,
what was that name again?
- Miller. Bill Miller.
- Oh, how nice.
- Well, good night, Mr. Miller.
- Now, one minute.
- Who are you?
- Well, l'm Mary Turner.
Good night, darling.
See you in church.
See you in church.
Mighty pretty. Mighty pretty.
Thank you, sir.
The agent's slice, Leo.
The usual ten percent.
Looks like a small cut to me.
- Hello, Mary.
- Hi, honey.
And to you and Mary, the best of luck,
forever and a day.
- l'll miss you, Bill.
- l'm gonna miss you too, Ben.
You've been swell.
We had great years.
Why the gloom, boys?
This is a wedding, not a wake.
For the act, it's a wake. Bill's leaving.
Well, l want to play the big time
on my own, as a single.
Oh, is that so?
l tell you, you're out of your head,
quitting a great comic like Ben Bailey.
l did a single before.
l know a lot more now.
l've learned from Ben.
Listen, Bill,
when l found you in Scranton,
you were making a fast 60.
You had those flashy two-pants
suits and ragged underwear.
Who got you to play
that chest piano?
Who built you up to 1 250?
Who bought you your first tuxedo?
- l did!
- Bill,
the trick in show business
is to be a hit.
With another guy, with a girl,
with a kangaroo, anything.
Look, you're my friend,
but l don't think you can make it alone.
Now, don't try to talk me out of it, boys.
l'm gonna start again in Scranton.
Alone. lf l have anything,
l'll be back here again, alone.
My name will be on top, alone.
Maybe you should have
got married, alone.
l don't think you can stand two
talented people in the same family.
l'm sorry, fellas. l'm doing a single.
A singing, dancing, talking comedian.
l love you, Leo, but since an hour ago,
l have a wife to take care of.
OK. Start.
Well, what do you say, Leo,
do l make any sense?
lf you really mean what you just said,
you make sense.
l think any man has a right
to do what he wants to...
...providing he doesn't hurt anyone.
But you've got to
have material, jokes.
Well, l have Al Borden writing
an act for me right now.
He's the greatest gagman
in America.
- You think so?
- l do.
That makes two of you. You and Al.
Now, look, Leo,
will you leave that to me?
All l want you to do is get the bookings
and you can start now.
Oh, there you are.
Say, isn't there something
the bride on their wedding day?
l'll bet you made that up.
Will you excuse us, Leo?
- Well, Al Borden!
- Congratulations.
Glad you came.
Excuse me, will you, honey?
Say, are you serious?
You just got married.
Thank you, Mr. Borden,
Leo.
- Mary needs a partner.
- Mary isn't the only one.
Al, listen...
You don't think he's doing
the right thing, do you?
You mean quitting Ben?
As an agent, no.
As a friend...
And what about me
leaving Sutherland?
Mary...
...you leaving Sutherland after
all your hard work? And mine?
Bill doesn't want me
to work anymore.
Love, he can handle, but l wish he'd
leave the business end of it to me.
You'll keep on looking out for him,
won't you, Leo?
For ten percent, l'd look after
my own mother-in-law.
Well, l wouldn't say she had buckteeth,
but she was the only girl l knew
that could eat an apple
through a picket fence.
That was funny.
And so l said to the fellow,
''lf that's your wife, buddy,
you're in a lot of trouble.''
That was funny, wasn't it?
- Yeah, that was funny 20 years ago.
- Well, don't worry.
Once Bill starts to warm them up,
They're going now.
Out of the theater.
''Short, short story.
''Ben Bailey broke in new partner,
''socko Baltimore, ditto Boston,
ditto Washington.''
Here's the important part:
''Bill Miller, single, 1 2 minutes.
''Lays egg in Newark,
''ditto Camden, ditto Wilkes-Barre,
ditto Scranton.''
- That wiseacre! l'll call those guys...
- Shut up!
- What?
- l said, shut up.
You've got yourself in a spot
because you got a swellhead.
Some fairy godmother
must have whispered to you
and told you that you
don't need nobody.
Well, you better stop listening
to pixies and listen to your agent.
You're not a single,
you never will be.
You're a nice guy, and you got talent,
and you got a nice wife,
but you're gonna blow them all off
if you don't start listening!
Want to hear what's wrong
with your act?
Well, sit down,
because l'm gonna tell you.
You think that you can come out
and sing and be cute.
Well, cute songs
are a nickel a dozen.
You need a new opening.
A comedy song and two funny stories.
Not those broken-down jokes
from Al Borden.
And a finish.
Did you ever hear about that?
A ''San Francisco'' finish.
Cohan did it with a flag.
lt's the most important thing of all!
- Well, it's easy to tell me about it.
- Yeah? Well, here's how you do it.
You go down to any
music publishing house,
and you get one of those
schnook song pluggers.
You put him out in the audience,
then you introduce him.
- But l don't want any...
- Yes, there you go again!
He's not your partner, he's a stooge!
All you have to say is,
''Ladies and gentlemen, we're very
lucky to have in the audience
''this afternoon a Mr. Sam Jones
or Mr. Bruce Anybody,
''the author of that big song hit,
'Your Father's Mustache'
''or 'Your Uncle's Pistol'.''
Then you roust the guy around.
The audience laughs. lt's sock.
You think that'll be good?
What do you want,
a sworn affidavit?
l'll call Sam Robertson
and get you a guy.
Now, get out of here, l'm busy.
Hello?
Hello, Leo.
Yeah. Song plugger?
Oh, no, Leo, l need all l've got.
Wait a minute, Leo, wait a minute.
l think l've got just the boy for you.
Yes. Oh, you'll love this kid.
Sure, you can pay him
what l pay him, 1 5 dollars a week.
Yeah, he loves to sing
and he's smart as a whip.
That's right.
OK, Leo. Goodbye.
Miss Reagan,
what did that idiot do this time?
He dropped a stack of records.
- ls he bleeding?
- No, l don't think so.
Oh, too bad.
Well, anyway, l think
we're going to lose him.
You mean they're gonna come
and take him away?
No, but l've just put over the biggest
business deal of my career.
- Where is he?
- He's on his lunch hour.
He's allowed 30 minutes.
Well, take his head out of the feedbag
and tell him l want to see him.
He's very insistent
on that full half-hour.
He puts great stress
on proper nourishment.
You tell him l want
to see him right away!
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"The Stooge" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 21 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/the_stooge_21390>.
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