The Sum of Us Page #2

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who doesn't know you're about

to happen to him tonight?

- We've said g'day a

few times, down the pub.

Ah!

Courting?

- No, Dad, not yet.

But you never know your

luck in a big city, though.

- Are you

sure about this, Mum?

- No, Jenny, I'm not sure at all.

- Do you want me to come in with you?

- No.

This is something I've got to do.

Now.

Hmm!

Wish me luck.

- Now just relax, Mrs. Johnson.

- Hmm!

- I'm going to show you several faces.

Now, I want you to just let them drift by,

but if you see one that catches your eye,

we can go back and have a second look.

- Oh, my God, sorry.

I'm a bit nervous.

- Oh, no need to be, dear.

You know, you've just

taken your first step,

towards finding your perfect partner.

Have a look.

- Oh!

Mmm.

Hmm!

- Yes.

I'll give the party a call.

Right, yes.

Thanks very much.

- You eating, or what?

Who was that?

- Man about a dog.

- What bloody dog?

- There's tomato sauce on it already.

Yeah, I know.

It needs more.

- Of course, some people

think it isn't very

good manners to read at the dinner table.

- Some people haven't lived

with you for twenty odd years.

- Some people should be so bloody lucky.

- You should read a few

more books, you know.

- Mmm?

- There's a lot more to life

than what you see on telly.

Like this bloke, Sir Richard Burton.

One of the greatest

explorers that ever lived.

First white man to see

the sacred stone at Mecca.

And the first man to discover the lakes,

in Africa, that are

the source of the Nile.

A man-

- I thought he married Elizabeth Taylor.

- Who could take on the

world, and conquer it.

- Yeah, a couple of times.

- Not afraid of anything.

You should read it, you

might pick up a few hints.

- What for?

I do not want to go

chasing all over Africa,

looking for a place to have a swim.

Anyway, the whole world has

already been discovered.

- No, it hasn't.

- Which bit's are missing?

- There's amazing things waiting for

you just around the corner.

Wonderful things, like love.

The greatest adventure of all.

Your grandmother said it once.

I'll never forget it.

The greatest explorers, she said,

are the explorers of the human heart.

- Is that why she became a dyke?

- Your grandmother was not a dyke!

- She was licking Aunt

Mary's p*ssy for 40 years.

What else do you call it?

- I admit her relationship

with Mary was, intimate.

But she was not a dyke.

Lesbian, perhaps.

- Lezzo, dyke, what's the diff?

- What's the diff?

What's the diff?

There's a whole lot of flaming diff.

Your grandmother was a

very beautiful woman.

And just because she found happiness

after your grandfather had died,

just because, in her

grief, she turned to Mary,

and the of them found

comfort in each other's arms,

doesn't give you the

right to call her names.

How would you like it if

I went around calling you

pansy, fairy, poofter?

- You do, half the time.

- Only when I'm annoyed with you.

Now eat your veggies.

- No, I've had it.

I've done my dash.

- Now, you know...

You know how you get angry with me,

when I don't turn the

taps off in the shower?

- Look, I'm sorry.

- No, no, no, no, don't apologise.

Listen, listen.

Every time you finish a meal, you always

push your plate away from you.

Always.

Now, I've told you until I'm blue in

the face, but you always do it.

It doesn't matter where we are.

Here, out, Buckingham

Palace, for all you care.

You'd bloody do it there,

and it drives me mental!

- If that's how you feel.

- That's how I feel.

There's a Sara Lee in the fridge.

- Mmm-mmm, no thanks, mate.

Don't wanna go breaking out in zits.

Fact is, I'm running late as it is.

- Bit early, isn't it?

- Well, you know what they

say about the early bird.

- Yes, but I don't think

that's the sort of worm

they had in mind when they said it.

Ah, leave the dishes, I'll do them.

- Ta, Dad.

I'll just, uh, clean my teeth.

- See what I mean?

He hasn't been this excited for ages.

This one must be quite something.

- Your dinner's nearly cold.

- Sorry.

- It'd be nice if you showed some respect

for your mother's cooking.

Someone has to.

- I'll grab something at the pub.

- Going out again, are we?

Be nice if you spent some

time at home, occasionally.

- It's Friday night, for Pete's sake.

- You smell like a Bombay brothel, too.

- Good stuff that, Dad.

Obsession, it's called.

It costs a fortune.

- So, where are you going?

Dancing?

- You never bloody let up, do you?

I took dancing lessons to

meet people, that's all.

Wasn't as if it was ballet or anything.

- I only asked where you were going.

And you watch your tongue

in front of your mother.

- Sorry, Mum. I'll see you later.

- Be good, dear.

Have a nice time.

- And if you can't be good, be careful.

See? I do try.

- No, you don't.

You don't really try.

You never give him an inch.

- I was surprised by the

number of products I had in my

kitchen cupboard that were unfriendly.

And also so surprised how harmful they

were the ones that I did have.

- You, um.

You don't feel like going out?

- There's a film on telly.

Don't worry, I'll watch it in my room.

Coast will be clear.

- That's all right then.

How do I look?

God's gift?

- Did you use a whole

bottle of aftershave?

- Bit fierce, is it? Obsession.

He said it was his favorite.

- Probably quite nice,

in moderation.

Where are you meeting him?

At the Prinny?

- Yep. That's if he shows up.

- I thought you had a date.

- Yeah, well, but, you

know, knowing my luck.

- There's plenty of others.

- No, Dad, this is different.

He's, um, something else.

Nice.

- I expect he'll turn up then.

- I hope so.

- You've gotta have a bit

more faith in yourself, Jeff.

If you were my son's friend, you know,

I'd be pleased it was you.

- Things don't always work out like that

in the real world, Dad.

- You better not keep him waiting.

- Too right

- Cop ya.

- Later

- Have fun.

- Thanks, mate.

Do my best.

- He's 24 years old, and he's no virgin,

that's a sure and certain fact.

But he's carrying on like

it was his first ever date.

You might have noticed that he lacks a bit

of confidence in himself,

in the romantic stakes.

I can't see why. I mean,

he's a nice enough looking lad,

if you like that sort of thing.

But, uh, about 3 years

ago, a terrible thing

happened to him.

He fell in love.

It didn't last that long.

The other bloke, uh,

Kevin, I think it was, oh,

he was a nice enough lad,

but a bit flighty.

Training to be a Qantas

steward or something.

And after about three months,

he just moved on to greener pastures, and,

it just about broke Jeff's heart.

- It's true. Grandma was a dyke.

Well, lesbian.

I used to go and stay down

there for my holidays, you know.

They were the best times.

Just a little brick-and-tile

down by the Hawkesbury.

Nothing flash, but clean.

Gran was always polishing every bit

of woodwork in the house.

So you'd get up in the

morning and there'd be

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