The Super Mario Bros. Movie

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(In the cold winds of the Snow Kingdom, lava balls drop onto the ground as Bowser's palace arrives outside the castle. As the palace lands, troops of Koopas gather around. Kamek then appears.)

Kamek:
Behold - the king of the Koopas!

(With a slam of his staff, the army stand side-by-side as Bowser exits the palace, stopping outside the kingdom.)

Bowser:
Open the gates! Or die!

(The kingdom's gates start to open, and as the army waits for the worst, the doors reveal the Penguins and their king. Some crack their necks as they ready themselves for battle, to the beat of "Battle Without Honor or Humanity" as the king commands his forces to...)

King Penguin:
Attack!

(The Penguins charge to attack as they throw snowballs. However, their attacks do absolutely nothing, except for a catapult that takes down one Koopa Troopa. The king raises his fist to halt the attack.)

King Penguin:
That is but a taste of our fury. Do you yield?

Bowser:
(chuckles) I do not.

(Kamek uses his magic to throw the Penguins aside, leaving them to be captured as Bowser uses his fiery breath to burn the castle down. As the dust clears, a bright light shines from a tower above.)

King Penguin:
No.

(Bowser smiles wickedly. Provided with a magic staircase by Kamek and reaches the source of the light - a Question Block. He hits the block, causing it crack open and reveal the Super Star.)

Bowser:
(laughs) I've finally found it. And now NO ONE CAN STOP MEEEEEEEE!

(Meanwhile...)

[Mario Brothers Rap plays]

COMMERCIAL SINGER: ♪ Uh, we're the Mario Brothers, and plumbing's our game. We're not like the others who get all the fame. When your sink is in trouble, you can call us on the double. We're faster than the others, you'll be hooked on the brothers, huh! ♪

MARIO:
(Italian accent) It's-a-me, a-Mario!

LUIGI:
(Italian accent) And-a Luigi!

MARIO:
Are you tired of-a paying too much for plumbing?

MARIO & LUIGI: Mamma mia!

MARIO:
That's-a why the Super Mario Brothers are here. To-a save Brooklyn.

LUIGI:
And-a Queens...

MARIO:
And-a your wallet.

COMMERCIAL ACTRESS: (reading from a cue card offscreen) Thank you, Super Mario Bros.! It seems like the only thing you haven't drained is my bank account... (shrugs in confusion)

MARIO:
Forget-a the expensive plumbing companies where you're-a just a face. With the Super Mario Brothers, you're family!

COMMERCIAL SINGER: ♪ Hooked on the brothers! ♪ (fading echoes)

[The commercial ends as the real Mario and Luigi celebrate in Punch-Out Pizzeria.]

LUIGI:
(laughs)

MARIO:
(Brooklyn accent) Wow! You were great.

LUIGI:
(Brooklyn accent) I was great? Are you kidding me? YOU were great!

MARIO:
I am so glad we spent our life savings on this commercial.

LUIGI:
That is not a commercial. That is cinema.

MARIO:
Eh, what about the accents? Is it... Is it too much?

[A man dressed similarly to the brothers, Giuseppe, turns to them.]

GIUSEPPE:
(Italian accent) Too much? It's-a perfect! Wahoo!

MARIO:
Okay, I'm gonna trust you.

[He returns to playing a Jumpman arcade game. Foreman Spike, a large, bearded man in a Wrecking Crew uniform and sunglasses, speaks out.]

SPIKE:
Well, well, well. If it isn't Brooklyn's favorite failures, the Stupid Mario Brothers.

LUIGI:
(as he and Mario indignantly walk over to Spike) Oh great... Spike's here.

MARIO:
Hey, Spike.

SPIKE:
Yeah, (in a comically high-pitched voice, similar to Mario's) it's-a me! (cackles) Wooo yeah… Tell me: have you even gotten one call since you left me to start your dumb company?

LUIGI:
Uh, Yeah. Our mom called, and she said, "Aw, boys, that's the best commercial I've ever seen." And I said, "Thank you very much, mother. We're very proud of it." So, boom! (accidentally drops his phone as Mario looks embarrassed.)

SPIKE:
(laughs) Good luck running a business with this idiot.

(Spike throws a napkin at Luigi, which Mario catches.)

MARIO:
Say that again about my brother, and you're gonna regret it. (tosses the napkin back at Spike)

SPIKE:
(gets up) Oh yeah?

(Spike grabs Mario by his overalls.)

SPIKE:
Get this through your tiny brain, Mario! You're a joke — and you always will be. (He throws Mario on the ground and leaves while chuckling.)

LUIGI:
Are you insane? He's three times your size!

MARIO:
Luigi, c'mon... y'know, you can't be scared all the time.

LUIGI:
Mmm, you'd be surprised...

[Luigi's cracked phone begins to ring, reminiscent of a Nintendo GameCube starting up. Luigi picks it up off the floor and answers.]

LUIGI:
Hello, Super Mario Brothers. Uh-huh? A drip in your faucet? That's great! I mean, that's... That's great you called us because we can be there, and we can fix it right away. Okay. Mario, we got one!

[Mario and Luigi hug and jump around.]

MARIO:
(laughs)

LUIGI:
The Super Mario Brothers are in business!

MARIO:
Woo-hoo!

(The brothers hurry into their van, but it stalls just before it starts to move.)

LUIGI:
Oh, no. We're gonna be late.

MARIO:
No, we're not. Come on, let's go.

[Mario and Luigi start running through the Brooklyn neighborhood. "No Sleep till Brooklyn" by the Beastie Boys begins to play.]

LUIGI:
Hey, wait up!

MARIO:
This way.

[Mario hits a trash can containing one alley cat from "The Secret Life of Pets", which leaps out at Luigi.]

CAT:
(shrieks)

LUIGI:
Ah!

MARIO:
Come on, Lu. Step on it.

[Mario deftly jumps through an open cab window and around grocery store customers, while Luigi struggles with bumping into them.]

WOMAN:
Excuse you!

[Luigi puts the cat into a paper bag and hands it to a grocery clerk.]

LUIGI:
Here you go.

CAT:
(meows)

[Mario and Luigi come to a road closed for construction.]

LUIGI:
(sighs)

[Mario runs toward the construction zone.]

LUIGI:
Oh, Mario, what are you doing?

[Mario and Luigi enter the construction zone, leaping on and around railings, girders and construction workers.]

CONSTRUCTION WORKER: Hey! Get offa there!

CONSTRUCTION WORKER: You can’t be in-Whoa!

LUIGI:
My bad!

CONSTRUCTION WORKER: Move it up!

LUIGI:
Ah! I’m so sorry.

CONSTRUCTION WORKER: Hey, we’re workin' here!

LUIGI:
So sorry.

[Mario makes it out of the construction zone and opens the gate for Luigi.]

MARIO:
Come on, Luigi! Pump those legs.

LUIGI:
(pants) Oh, I'm trying. I’m trying. I got bad knees.

(They soon arrive at the client's home, a high-rise townhouse.)

MARIO:
(whistles)

LUIGI:
Oh, wow. We have hit the big time.

[They bump fists.]

MARIO:
(chuckles)

[Inside, a couple leads Mario and Luigi up a flight of stairs.]

HOMEOWNER WOMAN:
The drip is right upstairs at the end of the hall.

HOMEOWNER MAN:
Can you fix it?

MARIO:
Very confident, sir.

HOMEOWNER WOMAN:
You'll be careful about makin' a mess?

LUIGI:
Ma'am, I assure you; We don't make messes, we fix them. (laughs, gasps)

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