The Sure Thing Page #2

just for driving a van back from Mexico.

When I get out of jail, I'm 36 years old...

Iiving in a flophouse. No job...

no home, no upward mobility,

very few teeth.

Then one day they find me, face down...

talking to the gutter, clutching

a bottle of paint thinner. And why?

Because you wouldn't help me

in English. No!

You were too busy to help me!

Too busy to help a drowning man!

Okay.

- Okay, what?

- Okay, I'll help you.

You will?

When?

How about tonight?

Let's see. Friday.

That's when I rearrange my sock drawer.

- Do you want me to help you, or not?

- I do.

I was just kidding, there.

-8:
00.

- Okay.

See you then.

- Where?

- McKenzie Hall.

Great!

It's Friday night!

"I'm a freshman

at a small Northeastern college.

"l never thought those letters were true,

until a few days ago...

"l had an experience that changed my mind.

"l just had to share it with you.

"l had resigned myself

to another night of reading your magazine...

"when there was a knock

on my dorm room door.

"And when I opened the door,

I could hardly believe my eyes.

"There were two of the foxiest twins

I had ever seen...

"with long brunette hair,

legs that wouldn't quit...

"and firm tits."

How does that sound?

Change "tits" to "generous scoops

of mouthwatering flesh."

And have them defy gravity.

Is this shirt good?

Yeah. You think they'll know that

"scoops of flesh" means "tits"?

I don't think it sounds specific enough.

Where else are you gonna find

scoops of flesh?

How's this for an opening line:

"Did you know that

Nietzsche died of syphilis?"

- How do you spell "zucchini"?

- Z-u-c-h-i-n-i.

Nietzsche's too obscure.

How about, "Did you know

that Shakespeare died of syphilis?"

She probably knows it isn't true.

I don't know what to say.

It's not what you say that counts,

but how you say it.

- Use sincerity. It's the best technique.

- What?

Come here.

You know, I've never met

anyone like you before.

Usually, when I meet someone new,

I feel awkward and shy.

But with you, it's different.

I can talk to you.

You know what I'm thinking, without my

having to explain it to you in fancy terms.

We speak each other's unspoken language...

fluently.

I love you.

That is the most enormous pile of horseshit

I've ever heard in my life.

- Get out of here, you piece of slime.

- No chick would ever buy it.

That's where you're wrong.

It's how I got Lucy.

- lt's horseshit.

- Effective horseshit.

Get a life.

It's true.

It's open.

I'm so far behind, I haven't even picked out

a theme for my English Lit term paper.

Of course I'm still coming out there

for Christmas.

You think I'm gonna leave you alone

with all those UCLA girls?

I just can't afford to fly.

My parents will only pay if I go to see them.

Don't worry. I'll figure something out.

They have this bulletin board

where they list rides.

I really want to see you.

I will send you the article

on civil liability, I promise.

Jason?

Do you ever eat food

that you think is bad for you?

I didn't think so. It's not important.

You tell me first.

I love you, too.

'Bye.

- Who's that, your lawyer?

- Someday.

- Ready?

- Yeah.

"When I recollect

my most truly excellent experience...

"recurrent images buzz through my brain:

"the big bubbles of crust

that expand right up through the sauce...

"glistening pools of oil

as still and inviting as a mountain...

"lake...

"the ropy knots of cheese

that gather to a chewy perfection...

"in the center as the slices are pulled apart."

- lt's good.

- This is all wrong.

There's no punctuation.

It's all one sentence.

- So?

- lt's a mess.

You neglected to mention

the most important thing.

I talk about the cheese-to-sauce ratio

right there.

You didn't state your topic,

that this is gonna be a paper on pizza.

But that is completely inferred.

- lmplied.

- Whatever.

Look, what do you say we blow this off

and go exploring?

Nothing gets done on a Friday night.

Come on.

Where are you going?

It's too stuffy, let's go get some air.

- You can't go in there.

- I can.

This is America, you can go anywhere.

- We're not supposed to be up here.

- See that?

That's Ursa Major, the Big Bear.

- We could get into trouble.

- That's Ursa Minor, the Little Bear.

Up to the north there, that's Cassiopeia.

That's Cassiopeia?

- She was the mother of Andromeda, right?

- Who?

- Cassiopeia.

- Really? just know the names.

Andromeda's there, too, next to Cassiopeia.

Andromeda. She was the princess

who was chained to a rock.

She was to be sacrificed to a sea serpent.

- Did he get her?

- No.

- Perseus rescued her at the last minute.

- Perseus, good man.

He's up there, too, next to Andromeda.

- You know a lot about astronomy.

- Yeah.

When I was six, I wanted to be an astronaut.

You know, all the Tang you can drink.

You'll never believe what I wanted to be

when I was six.

- A classics professor.

- No.

I wanted to be a princess.

You know, Alison,

I never met anyone like you before.

Usually, when I meet someone new,

I feel awkward and shy.

But with you it's different.

I feel I can talk to you.

You know what I'm thinking, without me

having to explain it to you in fancy terms.

We speak each other's unspoken language...

- What?

- ...fluently.

I love you.

What?

- Did I hurt you?

- No.

I'm sorry!

You're not.

You had this whole thing planned.

Excellent.

- What?

- Don't you have an 8:00?

- What time is it?

-7:
51.

Sh*t!

Oh, God!

Wait up.

I feel really terrible about Friday night.

I was rude, insensitive, selfish...

- A**hole.

- Exactly.

But that wasn't me.

I don't know why I said those things,

I'm really not like that. Please.

I'm really sorry.

Can you forgive me?

Please.

Come on, we're gonna be late for class.

"He was a man, that's all.

"A man like any other man.

"A man like no other man."

- That's very interesting, Marsha.

- Thanks.

You have a feel for ambiguity.

Anyone else want to volunteer?

- Me?

- Give me your paper.

Here you go.

- No pepperoni today?

- lt's clean.

"l am a freshman

at a small Northeastern college.

"l never thought these letters were real...

"until a few days ago, when I had

an experience that changed my mind.

"l just had to share it with you."

- Miss Taub, I don't think that you-

- Take it easy.

"l am 6'2", with dark hair...

"athletic build from football, and I'm

considered good-looking by my friends.

"I'm not boastful, but I must explain...

"for the sake of clarity,

that I am relatively well equipped...

"with 10 inches of solid man-meat.

"Still, it has been a dry season

as far as girls were concerned."

I'll get it.

- lt's for you, Gib. Long distance.

- Thanks.

I'm coming.

Buddy, you getting any?

I'm talking to you cordless.

What are you doing for Christmas break?

I do. You're coming to California.

What don't you know?

My roommate's got a convertible.

We cruise to Palm Springs.

I got exams after Christmas.

We are talking SoCal, here.

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