The Tail Job

1

- I've explained this to

you two pricks already.

How f***ing thick are you?

Will someone give me a light?

I'm out of pocket,

Boogies are out of pocket

and now you a**holes are

wasting my time making me drive

all the way out here to repeat myself

for the millionth time.

When Eddy says you take a f***ing dive,

you take a f***ing dive.

Well,

tell your boss if he wastes my time again,

he'll end up losing a

little bit more than cash.

- Why don't you tell him yourself?

Is that your boss?

Look, I was just telling your

boys I'm taking care of it.

We're sorting out the finances.

All right?

Hey,

hey wait a minute.

This was not my fault, mate.

You got to wait, listen to me.

Oh damn.

I can get you your money back tonight

with interest.

How much?

You just tell me how much.

What do you want from me?

What?

I can get you whatever you want.

What the f*** is it you want!

- Respect!

- Tell you what I like, Bill Murray.

A lot of people just think

he's a comedian but he's not.

He's a dramatic actor as well.

I was watching that Hyde Park

On The Hudson the other night.

Have you seen that movie,

Hyde Park On The Hudson?

You watch and you'll laugh and you'll cry

and then you'll go, "Hang on,

"is this the guy from Caddy Shack?"

The guy who was busting

ghosts with Dan Aykroyd

now making us cry as the

president of the United States?

I'd call him the penultimate

actor of our generation.

- The second last actor of our generation?

- I don't know any other

actor who has moved

from comedy in to drama like Bill Murray.

I mean, think about it, who's

gone from comedy into drama?

- Tom Hanks.

- F***ing Tom Hanks?

Get f***ed!

When was the last time you even

laughed at a Tom Hanks film?

Big, I guess.

I don't know, I saw it when I was a kid.

It might not even be funny.

Bill Murray, he moves from comedy to drama

and then back in to comedy.

He's never done a bad film, Stripes,

Tootsie, Groundhog Day,

the one where he's lost in Tokyo.

He played himself as a

zombie in Zombieland.

He's a genius.

He's never done a bad film.

- What about Garfield?

- Yeah, thought about that.

- This is our street.

- Hang on.

I'll make a u-turn.

- Just turn left.

Just turn left over there.

- Okay, that'll be $23.50, thanks.

- No, no, no, I'm not getting out yet.

You can leave the meter on.

Do you think you could turn that off?

- You hear about this party thing?

- Huh?

- Bill Murray, late at night he gets bored

and he goes for a walk,

finds a party and he just goes in.

You could be living in New York City,

next thing you know Bill Murray

is rocking up at your party.

He's doing your dishes.

So you like this girl, huh?

- What?

No, no, this is my fiancee's house.

- Right.

- Taxi!

- Sh*t!

Oh sh*t!

Don't let her get in here.

- If you're getting out, she can get in.

- No, no, no; I'm not getting out.

I'm paying the meter, just get rid of her.

- Do you know what flag fall is?

- Flag fall?

- Flag fall, that's how I make my money.

Bums in, bums out.

Every time someone gets

in, I get another $3.50.

- I'll give you $10 over

the meter price if you...

- I don't think so.

- $20.

$50!

- Hi!

- Evening, love.

Where are you off to tonight?

- The city.

- The city, eh?

- Yeah, I've booked online.

- Is that right?

Is your name Richard Benson?

- No.

- Aww.

- Are you serious?

F***ing cabbie!

- So that's your fiancee, is it?

- Yeah, is she gone?

- Not really.

What's going on, mate?

- Nothing's going on.

- I can't be involved in anything

homicidal or illegal, so...

- No, it's nothing like that.

- Then what, because if you don't tell me,

I'm going to beat this horn

and the little miss can come

back here and I'm going

to drive her to the city.

- Shh! Just keep your voice down.

- Or what?

- I think she's cheating on me.

- Why do you think that?

- She's been doing this thing

where she'll take a phone call

and won't tell me who it is.

Sometimes she'll even take the phone

in another room to take a call.

When I ask her, "Hey baby, who was that?"

You know what she says?

"It's just a friend."

- That definitely sounds suspicious.

I mean, why wouldn't

she tell you who it is?

- That's what I thought.

"Just a friend."

Which friend?

I mean, be more specific, right?

I would.

- I would, I'm very specific.

Ask me who I was talking

to at 3:
30 this afternoon.

- Who were you talking to

at 3:
30 this afternoon?

- Glen, yeah, and if I

wanted to be un-specific,

I'd tell you something like,

"Just some bloke from the trading post.

"F*** off for asking!"

- Yeah, but this week I just happened

to overhear her on the phone.

I could hear her saying "Friday's perfect.

"Let's go out Friday night."

Then when she comes back in the room,

I ask her who she's

talking to and she says...

- "Just a friend."

- Exactly!

Yesterday I ask her, just casually,

"What are you doing Friday night?"

She says "I'm hanging out with a friend

"that I haven't seen in ages."

I say, "Great, can I come?"

You know what she says?

"No, it's a girls' night."

but just yesterday we're hanging out

and her phone is just

sitting there in front of me.

I thought I'd take a little look.

I mean if she's got nothing to hide,

she won't mind me looking, right?

- Makes total sense.

- I see all these text

messages from some guy saying,

"Can't wait to see you.

"I have so much to say.

"I love you."

- She lied.

- I was hoping I might

catch her with him tonight.

- Unbelievable.

Who was this guy?

- Sio Bohan.

- Sio Bohan?

- Yeah, Sio Bohan.

- What kind of stupid name is that?

It sounds Asian or something.

Where did she meet this guy?

- Well, I don't know.

It could have been anywhere.

It could have been at work,

a coffee shop,

or yoga.

- Glad I didn't give

her a lift to the city.

- I'm Trevor.

- Nicholas.

Oh God, it's her!

What do I do, answer it?

- No, don't answer it.

Hang up!

- What if I just confront

her now, get it over with?

- Don't give her the satisfaction

of lying to you again.

Hang up!

- Taxi!

- We've got movement.

Get up.

So, what do you want to do?

- Can we follow it?

- F*** yeah.

Tail job.

Buckle up.

- Yeah!

- Seriously, put your belt on.

I'm not allowed to drive

until you put your belt on.

- Oh yeah.

- So, what's the plan when

you finally catch 'em?

You going to beat his head in or hers?

- No, no, no, no.

I just need some proof.

Just snap a photo of

them kissing or whatever.

- Then what?

- Then I'll ask her how her

night with the girls was

and she'll say it was great,

then I'll give her the photo

and then I'm just going

to walk out of there.

- Served cold, nice.

You're lucky.

- Lucky?

Yeah right, my fiancee is cheating on me.

How is that lucky?

- Yeah, but you caught her

in time so you are lucky.

Imagine if you were married already

or worse married with a kid.

That's a sh*t storm believe me.

You are lucky.

- Hey don't lose her.

- Don't worry, we're

exactly where we want to be.

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