The Tail Job Page #7

and you can leave, okay?

How much for that?

- $200.

- What, $200?

You'll be in and out,

it'll take two minutes.

All you got to do is walk

in and out of a door.

- What, you're not going to buy me a drink

while you're in there?

- No, I'm not going to buy you a drink!

You buy your own drink.

You're getting paid!

- This seems sus'.

- Sus'!

This has to be the least sus' thing

that anyone's ever asked you to do.

- There's always sus',

there's always a catch.

There's something you're

not telling me, I know it.

- Bohan?

- Sio!

- Bohan!

Sio Bohan.

- Great, $200.

Agreed?

- Sio!

- New plan!

- What are you doing?

- I'm getting these buttons.

- They're not real buttons!

- This isn't wrong, right?

- It's not cheating if she cheated first.

Are you crying?

- I still love Mona!

- Hey honey.

Why are you looking at porn

when the real thing is right here?

- No.

- Don't knock it until you've tried it.

- Not with charities, now f*** off.

- You're waiting for your

turn in the car, are ya'?

Don't worry about them at all.

I'll do you on the car if you like.

- You've got to go!

- What's your name?

- Just buzz off!

- Buzz off?

- Now scram.

- Come on.

- Come on lady, let's go.

- Lady? I'm a lady!

- Just keep walking!

- What the f***

is going on out there?

- I'm just having a hard time getting rid

of the trollop, that's all.

- Get in the car.

We're going.

- F***!

- Nick!

Nick, Nick!

Hey Nick!

- Trevor!

- Stay down!

- Nick, Mona's in the car, Sio Bohan.

Here's my keys, use

your phone to track her!

- Hey!

Leave him alone or I'm

posting this online!

- Oh yeah?

However, I saw the drug fall, didn't they?

Huh?

- Thanks, Stacey!

- Hey, that's my client!

- Thanks Candy!

- Trevor, get in!

- Candy, get in.

- Why does she get to go?

- She doesn't!

- I just had sex in the toilet.

Cried when he was inside me.

- Yeah.

Happens to me every night.

- Use your phone.

- Here.

- We're following the car that Mona is in.

- Okay, which way is that?

- North.

- Okay.

All right, so left or right?

- Tweet, get off, get off.

Sorry, Nick.

I'm just trying to find the app.

I'm trying to find the app of the maps.

- Left or right, Trevor?

- Yep, I'm doing my best Ni...

- Left or right!

Left or right!

- And go right.

- Aim for the tires!

- F***!

- Okay Nick, turn around.

Nick, what are you doing?

Nick?

- What the hell is he doing?

He's going head to head!

- F***ing don't hurt my cab, Nick!

Stop the f***ing car!

Stop the f***ing car!

F***ing f***!

My car is f***ed!

- Mate, at least we're alive.

- It's f***ing ruined.

I'll never get it passed register.

You're paying for this.

- No, no, no.

I am not paying for

anymore of your f*** ups.

I've been doing it all night.

- What?

- If only you'd just followed Mona's cab

like I asked you at the

beginning of the night,

I would have followed her into the club,

got my photo and I'd be in bed by now,

but no, you've got to start a

high speed f***ing car chase!

You've been driving me around the city,

extorting me at every corner.

You've been picking up psychopaths

in the middle of the road!

- It's called customers, Nick!

- Exactly!

You've been constantly putting

my job behind any other

f***er that puts their thumb out, right!

Your customer service,

Trevor, it's subpar at best!

And your little friend, Bill Murray,

hasn't done a decent film in a decade!

Get a new f***ing hero, d*ckhead!

- Bill Murray is the penultimate actor

of our generation, Nick!

- Oh here we go again

with the penultimate!

You realize it means the

second to last of something!

It's Nicholas, I don't like Nick!

- Well, I didn't know that.

I'm not a bloody mind reader!

You've got to tell me!

- I have been, I've been telling

you but you don't listen!

You only listen to yourself!

- Is this cab free?

- No!

- Yes!

- You selfish a**hole.

- Selfish?

I've been shot at, pulled

over by the police,

I had the sh*t kicked out of me.

I solicited a prostitute for you!

And all you've done is winge and complain

and ask me to fix your problems.

Who's selfish, Nick?

- I don't mean to be rude,

but I need to get to Perth.

- Head on through.

- Yeah, take it.

It's all yours.

- You're paying for this.

- Yeah, send me a bill!

You know my address!

- Oh, Sio!

- Thought you had a sports bag.

- Are you talking to me?

- Yeah, I thought you had a sports bag.

- Why would you think that?

- Well, that's what they say, isn't it?

That you come with a sports bag.

Do you have a preferred route?

- Fastest way.

- You've got it.

Been planning this for quite some time.

- Sio, oh!

- Mona!

- Sio, oh!

Sio!

- Mona!

You're not...

I'm sorry, I must be in the wrong room.

- Or the wrong house.

What are you doing here?

- I thought you were

sleeping with my fiancee.

- It's possible.

I sleep with lots of women.

What's her name?

- Mona.

- Doesn't ring any bells.

I'll tell you what, why

don't you come with me.

Is it this one?

- No.

- Is it this one?

- No.

- Ah wait, not this one?

- No.

- Maybe it's one of these.

- No.

- Not the twins.

- I'm sorry, I think I've

made a terrible mistake.

- Ah buddy,

you've definitely made a mistake

just not the one you think you've made.

- You like Bill Murray because

I think he's a great actor.

I'd even say...

- I'm not interested in Bill Murray

or your opinion on anything

else for that matter!

If you had any worthwhile opinions,

you wouldn't be driving a taxicab.

The rate you are,

you're probably not much

use for anything else

so just cut the idle chitchat

for the rest of the ride, would ya'?

You do your job and let

me get on with mine.

- I'm sorry.

I got to drop you off here.

- What, keep driving!

- I can't drive you to

Perth today, Mr. Benson.

I've got somewhere I got to be.

- I don't want to drive to Perth.

I need to get to the airport, you idiot!

- Are you not Richard Benson?

- No.

What are you doing?

Get your hands off me!

You can't do this!

Cabbies!

- I still don't get it,

what does she want from me?

- To be heard.

- I hear her.

- Nicholas, why do you

think it is I've got women

lounging around my house?

- Because you're a

badass with loads of cash

and a fancy car and...

- No.

No, no.

Observe.

Linda, how is that problem your mother

is having with her gardener?

- He still hasn't done the gutters.

- See her mother is always complaining.

She should probably fire

him but he's a family friend

so it's complicated, you know.

Oh Jenna, that friend of yours, Laura,

has her boyfriend apologized

for forgetting her birthday yet?

- He did apologize and he

sent flowers to her work.

- Not roses, I hope?

- Yeah.

- You'd think he'd make

an effort, wouldn't ya'?

Tracey, darling.

Could you just go to the bedroom

and have a little look under the bed?

I left something there earlier.

It was a jacket she was

admiring a month ago.

Listen to this!

- Oh my God!

Sio's done it!

- You hear that?

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