The To Do List

1

Thank you, grace, for that lovely

a cappella version of the national anthem.

Please welcome to the stage a student

who needs no introduction.

However, she did write one

for me to read to you.

"Today's keynote speaker

holds the highest gpa..."

In the history of merriwether high...

As president of mathletes, key club

treasurer, editor of the school paper...

As well as her own self-published

magazine womyn with a y.

Please put your hands together...

But remain seated

so those behind you can see...

"...this year's valedictorian,

Brandy klark."

Go, pancake.

Please be quiet.

Our first lady,

Hillary rodham Clinton, once said:

"You cannot be both young and wise."

I say, let's prove her wrong.

Get off the stage, virgin.

What a loser.

Thank you. That's great.

Nice speech, spaz. What, you have

like a death wish or something?

- Good chime-in.

- No, I don't have a death wish.

- Amber, be nice to your sister.

- Hey, Brandy. Brandy.

- Hey, Brandy.

- Hey, Cameron.

Killer speech. Really inspirational.

Your hair smells good.

What is it, lavender?

- Who is this? Who are you?

- Oh, hi. Cameron Mitchell, sir.

George, it's Cameron.

Brandy's science lab partner.

Ap chemistry partner.

- He is?

- Yes.

- Dad.

- What?

- It's Cameron.

- Okay.

- Can I talk to you for a second, please?

- Yeah.

So it was really rad

studying with you this year.

I'm so psyched that we'll be

working together at the pool.

- Oh, me too.

- And we're going to Georgetown together.

I mean, you got a full ride.

I got a partial, but whatever.

I think that fate

is trying to tell us something.

Barf. Two nerds in love.

Shut up.

Our relationship is strictly professional.

We're just friends. God, I hate you.

- So sorry, Cameron.

- No, that's okay.

You were saying.

I was just saying that I think that...

- I wanted just to give you this.

- Oh, thanks. Socks.

Actually, those are slippers,

and they're for your dorm room...

We did it.

Oh, my God.

- The slutty oompa loompas.

- Honey.

Can we get out of this family f***-fest

and go to a party?

Hey, judge. Hi, Mrs. klark.

Hey, go f*** yourself.

Dude, you don't give the chick

you're crushing on socks.

- They're slippers, actually.

- Oh, whatever, man.

You give her girly sh*t,

like perfume or a scrunchie.

Brandy is not a girlie girl.

She's hard to read.

Sometimes I think she likes me.

Sometimes I think she's a robot.

- Oh, I knew it. She's a lesbo.

- She's not a lesbo.

Oh, sh*t. Just got a page. Let's jet.

- You don't really think she's a lesbo?

- I kind of do.

I have to register,

contact my dorm mate, label my clothes...

And see beaches. I got it on vhs.

We have to have a special sleepover

to watch it before we leave, okay?

- Special sleepover?

- Yes.

- God, you're so weird.

- Okay, Wendy, "watch beaches."

- I'll put it on the list.

- Thank you.

Save money for computer.

That'll take forever. Buy shower shoes.

You know how much bacteria

is in communal showers?

- If you don't bring your own shoes...

- God, stop. Put it away.

Put it away. All right?

You're being a buzz kill.

Okay. Guess it can wait.

I am excited for the all-night

graduation party.

Those mormons have some

great activities planned.

And I think it's the perfect alternative

to Derrick bergwill's stupid kegger.

I mean, who needs alcohol

when there's a hypnotist?

Fiona, you missed the turn.

Hey, seriously,

you missed the turn. Hey.

What the h-e-double hockey sticks.

Told you she'd freak. She almost swore.

Better turn around, Fiona.

There is no way

I am turning this car around.

Pancake, I'm taking you to a real party.

Booyah. Class of '93, fucktards.

Drink, drink, drink, drink!

- Party foul!

- You guys suck.

- D*cks.

- D*cks. Hey!

- I'm out of here.

- Let's get our drink on.

Excuse me.

Fiona, my dad is a judge.

He'd be so disappointed.

You know, Brandy,

in Europe there's no drinking age.

Parents give their babies wine and sh*t.

Twenty-one is, like, such an

arbitrary age, because it's, like...

You can go to war and die,

but you can't have a little drink now?

Look, you know I hate hypocritical laws,

but, Fiona, you are driving.

Okay, okay, okay.

- I'm throwing this out.

- No.

- Who is that?

- That is rusty waters.

We can stay.

Chug, chug, chug, chug!

- Yes.

- Here's to p*ssy.

Oh, God. What is that?

That's disgusting.

Peach schnapps. The only thing my dad

wouldn't miss from the liquor cabinet.

- I'm sticking to beer.

- I'll stick to schnapps.

- I can't feel my legs.

- You're like after-school-special drunk.

Beer should be a food group.

Am I right?

I like being on the top bunk.

- If you fart, I'll kill you.

- Ladies don't fart.

- Don't...

- Except this one.

- Sleep well, drunkie.

- I love you.

- I love you too.

- We love you.

- We're gonna go party now. Bye.

- I've made it to the top.

Guys are gone? It's all good.

Let's play a game. I hide, you seek.

Here's a hint:
I'll be in bed.

Hey, who are you?

I know you are, but what am I?

Oh, I should do this more often.

Getting drunk is fun.

Oh, yeah? It's about to get

a whole lot funner.

You mean, more fun.

"Funner" is not a word.

You feel like Marky Mark looks.

Oh, yeah?

How about some good vibrations?

You ready for some more?

Yeah.

As long as you don't have oral herpes.

Wait.

- Who the f*** are you?

- Brandy klark, valedictorian.

Yeah, you're not who I was looking for.

Nice to meet you.

Why am I so stupid?

What was I thinking?

That it tastes better on the way down

than it does coming up? Jesus.

- Your vomit's the color of Kermit the frog.

- Why did I say that?

Why didn't I just keep

kissing him back?

Excuse me?

Who the f*** did you kiss?

- Whom.

- Whom the f*** did you kiss, Brandy?

- Whom the f*** did you kiss, Brandy?

- Brandy.

- Whom the f*** did you kiss?

- Rusty waters.

- What? No.

- Shut up.

- Are you serious?

- I've never felt that way before.

What, horny?

Yeah, welcome to puberty, man.

No.

Like nervous.

Like I didn't know what to do.

I always know what to do. Always.

So you're saying

that you kissed rusty waters...

But you didn't put out?

Are you crazy?

- Or a lesbian.

- No.

I wanted to put it out.

I didn't know how.

What do you mean you didn't know how?

He kisses you, you just kiss him back.

I mean, it's not that hard.

Unless you're good at it,

and then it is hard. Do you get it?

- Wendy.

- I mean his dick.

Guys, this is serious.

The last time I frenched

was with Jason swan in ninth grade.

We had to end our relationship because

it interfered with student-council duties.

You could've gone all the way

if you didn't lose your sh*t.

Can you imagine losing your v card

to a college guy?

- No premature ejaculation.

- He'd hit your g spot.

Yeah, you'd probably come

like three times.

Come where?

- That's an orgasm.

- Really?

You think if I'd been ready

and wanted to and not so drunk...

Had protection and maybe a cute bra,

we could've...?

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