The To Do List Page #2

F***ed?

Yeah. Totally.

You blew, like, a major opportunity.

I mean, there's nothing wrong with being

a late bloomer, pancake...

But let's face it,

you're not getting any younger.

- I kissed his nipple.

- What?

I think I sucked on it.

- That's okay.

- But I don't know why.

Hey, could you get me a coffee?

You smell like patchouli.

Good morning. Why is chip

shaving his legs in the bathroom?

Because he Mountain bikes, duh.

- Chip spent the night, sweetheart.

- Chip did what?

He spent the night.

He's going off on some big fishing trip.

- They won't see each other all summer.

- He's following phish, as in the band.

You gave Amber permission

to have a boy sleep over?

- He's a man.

- In her bed?

Not a boy, it's her fiance. Where else am

I gonna have him sleep, on the couch?

- Why the heck not?

- How was your little church party?

I wouldn't know.

Fiona and Wendy took me to a kegger.

I got drunk and puked my brains out.

You should probably ground me.

Mom, do we have ginger ale?

- Let me see, honey.

- Dumb-ass.

Are you still drunk?

Don't tell them that.

- Brandy tells us everything.

- Too much, if you ask me.

And we trust her to make

the right decisions.

Or, at least, learn from her mistakes.

Right, honey?

You need to learn how to lie.

She does not need to lie.

In this house, honesty is the only policy.

- That's right.

- There you go, honey.

And we think this hangover

is punishment enough.

You're not even grounding her?

Un-f***ing-believable.

- Hey!

- Language.

Sorry I'm late. I experimented with alcohol

last night and puked on my way here.

I had to stop for mouth wash.

- My name is...

- Brandy klark. Yeah, I remember.

Do you ever wear a shirt?

Very funny.

Man, last night was embarrassing.

You must think I'm some type

of sex maniac or something...

But I promise you, next time, I will ask

before I strip down and start kissing you.

- Okay.

- Anyway... -...

I take it you're here

for lifeguard orientation.

How did you know?

All right, then. Let's go meet the boss.

- This is the pool manager?

- He is sleeping.

Yeah, I can see that.

Excuse me. Sir?

Excuse me.

Hello.

Excuse me. Hi. Rise and shine.

This is... it's all happ...

It's all happening.

- It's a happy...

- Excuse me. I think you're dreaming.

Please stop. Stop it. Please.

Hi.

- Hi.

- I'm Brandy. Brandy klark?

- It's orientation.

- She's a newbie. Cut her some slack.

Cut me some slack?

Correct me if I'm wrong...

But I think we're here to work,

not hang out and get a suntan.

- You guys.

- Hair of the dog...

I can't believe you're drinking that.

Do you know what time it is?

No. I partied on Friday.

What day is it?

- It's Monday.

- F***ing a, man.

All right, I better get to work.

Have at it, newbie.

You expect me to clean up

all that by myself?

- Yes.

- I can help you.

No, you won't.

I was thinking the colors for the wedding,

burnt sienna and turquoise.

- Do they have burnt sienna flowers?

- I don't know.

- Hi, sweetie. Dinner is waiting.

- Hi.

- Sorry I'm late.

- Hey, sweetie.

- Good evening.

- How was lifeguard orientation?

Humiliating.

My burn-out boss

decided to make fun of me...

In front of this

incredibly hot college guy.

Shocker.

Mom, when exactly

did you lose your virginity?

On our wedding night.

Pass the potatoes, please.

- George.

- The potatoes, Jean. Please?

- Oh, honestly.

- Thank you.

- Way to go, dumb-ass.

- Shut the front door, Amber.

- Shut the back door, Brandy.

- Not the back door.

- Not the back door.

- What?

There's doors we don't do.

The back door's one of them.

It's the '90s.

You'll have to get with the times.

- Fine, we can get call waiting.

- I'm not talking about call waiting.

I'm talking about Brandy.

She's clearly curious about sex.

I think I should talk to her.

No. No talk.

Your talks do more harm than good.

What's that supposed to mean?

It means, you had a talk with Amber

and look how that turned out.

You put her on the pill

when she was 15...

And she's been dating,

pardon my French, jerks ever since.

- And now she's gonna marry one.

- You can't blame chip on me.

Anyway, what do you expect, Brandy's

gonna wait till her wedding night?

It worked for you.

Let's see.

I lost my virginity when I was 15.

- Fifteen?

- No, actually 14, with francois.

Our exchange student?

But he was so rude.

He always played his stereo too loud.

He never let me in his roo... touche.

He had a big dick. Yeah, francois,

you know, sex wasn't that bad...

But it didn't get good

until sophomore year.

College, okay, that makes sense.

You're more mature...

High school. By then, the guys had cars.

We would park at beaver creek.

Do people still do that,

go to beaver creek to f***?

- How would I know?

- Oh, sh*t, right. Virgin.

Man, it feels good to finally be smarter

at something than my kid sister.

Loser. Seriously, you wanna pop

that cherry before you get to college.

Before? Why?

Okay, how can I put this in terms

a mathlete understands?

- Yes, in terms a mathlete understands.

- I'm f***ing trying, okay?

Freshman year is like

one big sexual pop quiz.

- You need to do your homework.

- Homework?

Yeah. God, it's crazy, freshman year.

I f***ed my r.A. The first week.

- Wonder what she's up to.

- It was a girl?

Yeah.

Oh, my God,

I have a lot of work to do.

Let's do this.

Okay, Amber...

Let's see what you got.

Titty... f-word.

"Motorboating."

Uncle Andy has a boat.

That should be easy.

"Teabagging." Must be British.

"Shocker:
One who shocks."

Maybe it's some kind of surprise.

"Hand job, blowj*b, rim job."

Why so many jobs?

What's a rim job anyway?

Come on, rim job. Not listed.

Guess I will have to ask

the librarian on that one.

And finally, sexual intercourse...

With rusty waters.

Well, let's get to work, vagina.

Here you go.

Have a good day. Bye-bye.

Hello. Welcome to big bun.

May I help you?

I decided to lose my virginity

to rusty waters.

- You want fries with that?

- No.

- "Finger-banged, sixty-nine"?

- "Titty f***, blowj*b."

- I had no idea that you could be so...

- Sophisticated?

Slutty. There are things on this list

that I haven't even done, Brandy.

This is awesome.

So you're gonna scam on other guys

and then hook up with rusty?

No offense, but how? You said yourself

he's out of your league.

- I never said that.

- I did.

Okay, yes, he's out of my league now...

But not once I learn

how to pearl-necklace him.

- Actually sounds really elegant.

- It's not.

Anywho, I'm witty, engaging,

smart, well-read.

Once I add "sexually experienced"

to the package, he'll want me.

Plus, you're an untouched virgin.

Yeah. What guy's gonna say no

to a virgin, right?

Thank you.

That's just the encouragement I need.

Let us swim! Let us swim!

Let us swim! Let us swim!

Cameron. Cameron.

- What was that about?

- Pool rats.

Get here at dawn,

don't leave till September.

We're cheap daycare

for the neighborhood rats.

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