The To Do List Page #3

- I'm sure it's not that bad.

- Just you wait, newbie.

Let us swim! Let us swim! Let us swim!

Hey. Guys, get off the...

- See you later, sucker.

- Loser.

Tried to warn you, newbie.

- What the truck, Willy?

- Welcome to the thunderdome, b*tch.

Know what? That's enough. Settle down,

give her a chance to catch her breath.

Hey, come here. You all right?

Come on.

- Now you okay?

- I am now.

Good.

Just a little hazing, newbie.

You're good.

Can't believe

you didn't see that coming.

Hey, guys,

put those noodles down. Hey.

Who did that, the bubbles in the whistle?

I haven't seen that in years. That's funny.

Mayonnaise? In my sunscreen bottle?

Come on, guys, I'm not that pale.

You are a true doofus.

She's so stupid.

Poop! Poop! Poop! Poop!

Poop! Poop!

Newbie, poo patrol.

Very funny.

How very caddyshack of you.

- What did she mean by caddyshack?

- Don't know.

It's not poop. It's not poop.

I'm getting hazed.

You know what that means?

What is it, you guys, baby Ruth?

Snickers? It's very convincing, Willy.

I'm impressed.

- Oh, no. She's not gonna...

- Dude, she's gonna.

Get out of my way!

Oh, my God.

I've never seen that before.

That's not even on faces of death

or any of that sh*t.

Shut up!

I f***ing like this girl.

That was awesome, newbie.

Both the boys and girls

locker rooms are clean, okay?

It's not really fair

you made me do both.

- Yeah, well, life's not fair, newbie.

- You got that right.

No!

- Brandy, help...

- Not falling for it.

- You really don't know how to swim?

- I hate the water.

- What's wrong with you?

- Don't tell anybody. I'll lose my job.

You should lose your job.

That is so irresponsible.

- I'm gonna call the parks department.

- Oh, no, no, no. Hey, hey.

Brandy? Let's not tell anybody.

Let's pretend it didn't happen.

You want me to lie?

My dad is a judge.

Sh*t, sh*t, sh*t. Look, I'll learn, okay?

I'll learn how to swim.

You know what?

Hey, you can teach me.

Seems like something you'd be into.

You're bossy and stuff.

You like to order people around.

Come on, okay? Please?

I can't lose my job, please.

Fine, but I charge $6.25 an hour, cash.

- Sh*t.

- And no more hazing.

Okay, no more hazing, $6.25 an hour.

Hey, Brandy. Hey, deal.

Deal.

- Okay, that's it, that's it. That's it.

- Hey, come on.

Hey. You're still gonna teach me

how to swim, right?

Brand? Where's your towel?

I need to dry off.

Okay, pancake,

you made that list like a week ago.

When are you gonna grow a pair

and do something on it?

Lay off, Fiona.

Some people are just slow learners.

I'm not a slow learner. I got a five

on my advanced-placement tests.

Oh, right.

And it just so happens,

I plan on getting...

Finger-banged tonight.

- I think it's finger-blasted.

- No, it's finger-bombed, b*tches.

Okay, well, whatever it is,

I'm going to do it tonight.

All right.

Just how exactly

do you know when to do it?

- You'll be like wet and stuff.

- You'll be wet and stuff.

Make sure to tell the guy

how wet you are. They love that.

The guy's gonna be doing

most of the work.

Yeah, but most guys suck at it.

When Ross Peterson

tried to finger me...

It was like he was digging

for loose change.

Like dimes between couch cushions.

Sounds terrible.

What's up, my b*tches?

What happened to your fingers?

Burnt the sh*t out of them lighting off

some cherry bombs. It's gnarly, right?

Hey. Get in here.

Get it together, klark.

Women get fingered every day.

It's not that big of a deal.

Come on.

What? You want some?

Yeah, I want some.

I'm such a goof.

All over my shirt.

Sorry.

- Did you just double wash?

- Yeah.

- Wait, wait, wait.

- What? What?

- Oh, my God, do I have beer breath?

- No.

Just let me kiss you back.

Right.

Yeah, I knew that.

Sorry.

I'm winning.

Do you think

I should try and scam with Duffy?

No. Stop.

It's just the wine coolers talking,

man. You can't hold your liquor.

But we have so much history.

You guys dated for like a week

in the eighth grade.

I know, but I think

I just never stopped loving him.

- Sega's my sh*t.

- I like your shirt.

I love hypercolor on you. So cool.

I'm so wet. Touch me.

I said I'm wet. Finger me already.

I will. Is it shorts or a skirt?

Neither, they're skorts.

Over or under?

- Under.

- You sure?

Yes.

But I'm definitely not

calling it a "blast."

Let's call it a "finger bomb,"

emphasis on the "bomb."

Well, how did it feel?

Kind of like an itch you can't scratch.

- Look, "how to find your g spot."

- Hey, can I see that? Give it.

Can you watch the pool for a minute?

- Do you guys masturbate?

- No.

- What?

- That's gross.

Really? You've never

touched yourself down there?

- Well, maybe I straddled the couch.

- Only when I can't sleep.

It says here that women should "flick

the bean" as much as the guys do.

"Forty percent of women

never climax during sex...

"...because the guy can't find their

g spot." This is a travesty.

Ladies, we must take charge

of our own sexual gratification.

- What the...?

- Get away from me. Get away, perv.

- He put his finger up my ass.

- I have to put "masturbate" on the list now.

I'm not a quitter. I am not a quitter.

Come on, klark. Come on.

- Uva protection.

- That's right.

- Uvp protection.

- Yes.

- Hypoallergenic.

- It better be.

- Waterproof.

- Oh, God.

- Non-greasy formula.

- Yes.

Soothing aloe vera.

Yes! Aloe vera!

Yeah! Aloe vera! Yes!

- Privacy, please.

- Phone call, ass wipe.

Make it quick.

Chip's calling from Vegas.

- What, between lap dances?

- Phish is playing a show there.

- Were you humping a pillow?

- None of your business.

Loser .

Please be rusty. Please be rusty.

Please be rusty.

- This is Brandy.

- Hey, Brandy, it's Cameron.

Oh, hi, Cameron.

I can't really talk right now.

My stupid sister is expecting

a phone call from her idiot boyfriend.

- Fiance'.

- Correction, fianc.

- Get off the line, Amber.

- Eat me.

- Hurry up, Cameron.

- I was wondering if Brandy wanted to...

I mean, if you, Brandy,

wanted to go out on a date.

- Sure. Why not?

- Why not?

- What kind of sh*t answer is that?

- Be quiet, Amber.

Don't you have a dick to suck

or something?

- Several. Unlike you, fucktard.

- Cluck you, Amber.

Cluck? Say "f***," you loser.

Get... no!

- Don't touch me.

- Let go!

Mom!

Shut up...!

Dude, what did she say?

Wait. Why we doing the dance?

Why we doing the dance?

What happened?

The cam-cam dancing?

She said yes.

Well, technically, she said "why not."

But you know what, I asked her out on a

date, she said yes and it's a "date" date.

It's a motherfucking "date" date.

You're doing the "date-date" date!

Gonna get his dick all wet.

- What am I gonna wear?

- Not that.

- Why? It's just Cameron.

- It doesn't matter, pancake, who it is.

You can't keep dressing

like Tracey gold.

- Do you wanna borrow my new vest?

- Maybe.

No. No. Look.

I rummaged...

Through my aunt's closet...

And she's a divorce,

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