The To Do List Page #4

so she's really lonely.

But she dresses like she's 20,

even though she's 30.

Look, right?

- I like that.

- Feel it. It's like half-silk.

- So, what are you guys gonna do?

- I was thinking dry hump.

Oh, God, no.

She meant, where you guys gonna go?

Oh, we're going to the movies.

Forget dry hump.

- Hand job.

- All the way.

Hold on till I absorb some heat.

Some added tang

might please you too.

I'll slide into an oven-fresh bun...

And I'm ready for your eating fun.

Why don't you try

a juicy-good hot dog?

Delicious.

- What are you doing?

- What do you think I'm doing?

Smoking is not permitted

in this auditorium.

My bad.

- How am I doing?

- You're doing really good.

I thought so. I felt some pre-cum.

I was worried I was gonna

have to spit on my hand...

But you seem to be progressing

quite nicely.

No gum-chewing.

No necking and no talking.

Why'd you stop? What?

Excuse me.

Chip, you're in deep sh*t.

It's been two weeks.

- Is mom home? It's a medical emergency.

- No. Bye.

- Wait.

- What?

I need your expertise.

I'm listening.

Okay.

- So I'm giving a guy a hand job...

- Now? Gross. Get off the phone.

No, not "now" now.

He's in the theater.

You left him?

You're gonna give him blue balls.

You'll make him sterile. Finish him off.

Ship. But I don't know how.

There's a weird extra skin.

Doesn't look like it did in health class.

What? He's not circumcised?

What are his parents, like hippies?

- I don't know. Will you just help me?

- All right. Calm down.

This is what you do

with the pig in the blanket.

Everything okay?

Did I do something wrong?

- No.

- Are you sure?

Is that butter?

Do something.

- Do you want me to touch you?

- No.

I paid $5 for this. Okay?

They're ruining it.

I love you.

Sorry.

Oh, my God.

My, oh, my.

- Make sure you get more snackwells.

- I got it, honey. Number one on the list.

- Good morning.

- Hi, honey.

Amber. Mother.

Why are some men not circumcised?

Oh, come on. It's 9 A.M.

I think the better question is,

why are men circumcised at all?

Now see, most boys become circumcised

at birth, right when they're newborn.

Some parents do it

for religious reasons...

Others do it because they feel

it's more hygienic.

But the uncircumcised penis, see that?

See that turtle neck there?

- Mom. I'm eating.

- You should see this too.

You're getting married. That cow neck...

- There?

- That is very, very sensitive.

And now if you remove that...

Then you're actually reducing

a man's sexual pleasure.

- That's terrible.

- Isn't that awful?

- Does it hurt?

- That's a good question.

- What's a good question?

- Did it hurt when you got circumcised?

- I'm late for work.

- No coffee?

Bye, daddy.

Hey, let me get that for you.

Thanks.

It's the least I can do. Watch your step.

You look fantastic.

Miss chardine. You little minx.

Come here, you. Let me take that.

- Thanks.

- Someone's using her ab roller.

Let me tell you something, ladies.

Men have a one-track mind.

Flash a little skin

and they're like putty in your...

Like you're a car.

I'm gonna fill you up with oil...

Or put it all over your body.

No, Willy, I got this.

This will do.

- New suit?

- What, this old thing?

No cuts.

- Ready to rotate?

- Sure.

Might wanna put your top

back on first, though.

Oh, my God.

Well, if it isn't the president

of the itty bitty titty committee.

Itty bitty titty committee.

You guys, give it back.

I'm the president

of the itty bitty titty committee.

- You guys, give it back now.

- You look like a little boy.

Oh, my God.

I have bigger b*obs than you.

Bet you didn't see that one coming.

Women in Europe go topless

all the time. So deal with it.

- But they have b*obs.

- Big deal.

What, Jenna, your kids

never seen tits before? What?

- That chick is crazy.

- Yeah, I know what you mean.

I like it.

What do you mean, you like it?

Dad, guess what.

Good, that's it. There you go.

Just blow little bubbles.

Little itty bitty bubbles?

- Fine.

- I can't swim. You're killing me.

- I can't swim.

- You're in four feet of water.

God, you're such a jerk.

You're right, I'm a jerk.

You still have no tits.

- Relax.

- Okay.

If you keep tensing up,

you're gonna sink.

Hey, look at that.

Hey. Hey, I'm floating.

- It's weird, huh?

- Yeah.

It's like the minute

you give up control...

You just know what to do

without doing anything.

Thought about

taking your own advice?

What's that supposed to mean?

Well, don't take this the wrong way,

but, you know...

Sometimes you can be super bossy...

And totally annoying

and, you know, kind of a b*tch.

You should take it down a notch. Or 12.

I'm sorry.

- I don't mean to come off that way.

- See, that was really good.

It's, like, you were sad and I started

to feel bad for you. Are you crying?

No. God, you just called me a b*tch.

See, now you're starting

to bum me out again.

Yo, butt munch.

You want that ride or not? Let's go.

Coming, Amber.

Willy, this is Amber, my sister.

Amber, Willy, my boss.

Hey. Amber klark. No way.

I was a senior

when you were a freshman.

I thought you were the custodian.

Everybody thought I was the custodian.

So you guys are sisters?

You two are nothing alike.

- Thank you.

- Thank you.

- I'm gonna get my stuff.

- Hurry up, fucktard.

- I don't wanna miss home improvement.

- Shut up, Amber.

- You shut up.

- Home improvement. Hey.

- Howdy, neighbor.

- I'm not your neighbor.

I was doing Wilson,

the neighbor in home improvement.

- Whatever.

- Could you give me a towel?

No.

I've been wanting to have this

conversation with you for a long time...

But I wasn't sure if you were

mature enough to handle it.

I lost my virginity when I was 17...

With Tucker Brooks.

- You mean, I wasn't your first?

- No.

- Was I your second?

- No. We met junior year in college.

- Don't be silly.

- So where did...?

Where did you

and Tucker Brooks do it?

In the vagina,

but that's not important.

No, I meant as in a location.

I assume the vagina.

- Beaver creek.

- Like in the back seat of a car?

- Mostly.

- I never went to beaver creek.

- You didn't?

- No, I told you.

- My first time was with you.

- But you were so good.

Thanks. I read penthouse.

Why didn't I think of that?

Look at the afro on this snatch.

It's the biggest thing I've ever seen.

Did they not have nair in the '70s?

Why are their b*obs so small?

- Because they're real?

- Weird.

It's the worst feeling.

It's like a tiny boxer is, like...

Boom, one nut, two nut, three...

Just pounding away at your nuts.

What do you think

they're talking about?

I don't know. Stupid stuff.

Probably about their periods.

How much they like chocolate.

Anyway, blue balls is real.

Somebody should do something.

You guys, rusty just looked at me...

And then whispered

something to Derrick.

What do you think

they're talking about?

Hey-

- you wanna keep it?

- You want your snorkel back?

- Find out what rusty's talking about.

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