The Toxic Avenger: The Musical

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1

(distant rumbling)

(water dripping)

(metallic creaking)

(breath hissing)

(fluid dripping)

(splattering)

(bubbling)

(rattling)

(dramatic music)

- [Narrator] Global warning is upon us,

the Earth is in crises.

It is a time in need of heroes,

especially in one

particular, horrible place.

(slow sympathetic music)

(sighing)

- Ah.

There's a

(coughing)

(audience laughing)

There's a place

between heaven and hell

Don't need no map,

just follow the smell

A place filled with filthy air

A place full of dark despair

A place you have no prayer

A place called

(audience snickering)

New Jersey

(dramatic music)

New Jersey

New Jersey

The Garden State

(lively music)

There's an exit called the 13B

Right off the turnpike where

it smells just like pee

An exit no one dares get off

An exit where the children cough

An exit called Tromaville

(thunder crackling)

Tromaville

If the pollution doesn't

get you, the aroma will

Who will save New Jersey?

We're dying for some air

There's no hope in New Jersey, Lord

Does anybody care

Lord, does anybody care

- Ladies and gentlemen,

the story we're about to

tell you is so disturbing,

we have stationed a registered

nurse outside in the lobby.

- She has doctor

prescribed Valium to sedate

the easily terrified!

- She also has Prozac and

ketamine she got off the internet.

- And for the love of God, do

not turn off your cell phones!

- The next few hours

are a part of your life

you're never getting back!

There's no hope in New Jersey

We're hanging by a thread

We're choking in New Jersey

We might as well be dead

Lord, we need a favor

We need a soggy savior

But who, who, who

Who

I will save New Jersey

I'm Melvin Ferd III

Not him, Lord

I'm here for you, New Jersey

On that you have my word

There must be a solution

To end this damn pollution

It's time to start a global revolution

Sister, look at what

has infested our town

What is that wretchedness

It's waste, toxic waste

The worst problem we ever faced

It's sick, God, its sick

Look what it did to my measuring stick

- But where did it come from?

- Look there, across the

Hudson River, what do you see?

- Manhattan.

- The beautiful, conceited

people of Manhattan.

Happy to use New Jersey as

their toxic dumping ground!

(energetic music)

Now listen up Manhattan

We know you're stinking rich

Your bed sheets may be satin

But Jersey's not your b*tch

Jersey's not your b*tch

- Bless you son!

(audience chuckling)

- And don't worry, Sister!

I won't let anything stop me!

(bullies laughing)

Oh, no, the town bullies!

(dramatic music)

(groaning)

(hits thudding)

(laughing)

Nuggie!

(grunting)

(audience chuckling)

- [Both] Word!

(bullies laughing

(audience chuckling)

(tender music)

God I love New Jersey

It's such a state of mind

Why do I love Jersey

Probably 'cause I'm blind

(audience chuckling)

- Hey, Sarah, it's me Melvin.

Down here!

- Huh?

(grunting)

(audience chuckling)

Oh, hi Melvin.

Hey have you noticed a

new smell in town lately?

- It's giant vats of toxic, nuclear waste!

- Well that makes sense.

Yesterday I turned on my kitchen

faucet and fire came out!

(audience chuckling)

Oh gosh.

Won't someone save New Jersey

That's my greatest wish

- Oh oh oh...

(audience chuckling)

I will save New Jersey

From mutant strains of fish

(lively music)

- What fish?

In Tromaville

In Tromaville

If the pollution doesn't

get you, the aroma will

- Oh look, the first sun bird of spring!

(chirping)

(thumping)

(audience laughing)

- So, there you have it.

There will be one brief intermission!

This show is 18 hours long!

Help us win, New Jersey

And save us from this goo

Crap, I just got scurvy

Good God, what can we do

Damn it, we're New Jersey

We're drowning in the muck

Say a prayer for Jersey

Or else we're good and f***ed

Good God, we're good and f***ed

New Jersey

New Jersey

Who will save

Who will save

Jersey, the Garden State

(audience cheering)

(audience applauding)

(energetic music)

- 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, 26.

(audience snickering)

(clicking)

(audience snickering)

(clicking)

- Hi Sarah!

Gosh you look awfully pretty today.

- Oh, Melvin you always say

the nicest things to me!

- Well you're like the

greatest person in Tromaville.

You're smart, and nice, and you spend your

whole day helping people

as our town librarian!

And even though you have a handicap,

you don't want any special

treatment from anyone!

- Excuse me!

I'm wondering if you can help me.

I'm looking for a book on folk singing.

(audience snickering)

- No, sorry.

I'm blind.

Okay bye.

Melvin, Melvin I have

a confession to make.

I don't want to spend the rest of my days

helping people in this library!

What I really want to do is write a book,

a meaningful and important

book that you can

download on your iPhone!

Hey have you figured out how you're gonna

save New Jersey yet?

(audience chuckling)

- Well, I had this

cockamamy idea!

- Uh-hmm.

- See, I've been examining all those vats,

and there's the name of a

corporation written on them.

And guess what it is?

The Good Earth.

- Oh no, not the Good Earth!

- Yes, they're assaulting our planet and

defaming a classic American

Oprah-endorsed novel

all at the same time.

- Oprah.

(audience snickering)

- If only I could get

to the bottom of it all!

If only I could locate

the official town records!

- Melvin, the official

town records are here,

in the town library!

Oh but I promised the mayor that I

wouldn't show 'em to anyone.

- Oh, I understand.

- But, you're not just anyone are you?

- I'm not?

- No!

You are the sweetest

kindest man I ever met.

- Shut up!

(audience chuckling)

Really?

- And Melvin, the records

are in a box in the back,

and I didn't want anyone

to ever look inside

so I labeled them

important policy speeches

of Ivanka Trump!

(audience chuckling)

- Sarah, I could just kiss you!

Please?

- Uh...

(audience chuckling)

Hey you know what I

just realized?

We've known each other a few months now,

and I don't even know what

you look like (chuckles).

Could I um, well could I feel your face?

- Oh, gee, I don't think

that's such a good idea!

- Melvin, don't tell me you

suffer from low self esteem?

- No I'm just unattractive.

(audience chuckling)

- Now silly everyone

is beautiful in their own way!

- But I'm not.

- But you are!

- But I'm not.

- But you are!

- But I'm not.

- But you are!

- But I'm not--

(audience chuckling)

- Let's have a look...

That is so greasy...

(audience laughing)

Well, maybe you have a beautiful soul.

(audience chuckling)

- Uh, I should go and get the records.

(dramatic music)

- Hey!

- Oh!

- We need a book!

- Any book!

- Sorry, I'm blind!

Okay bye!

- Hey!

You don't know who

you're talking to do 'ya?

- He's Sluggo, I'm Bozo!

- And we're the stars of

Tromaville High football team!

- For the last seven years!

(grunting)

- And coach says we gotta read a book now!

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