The Toxic Avenger: The Musical Page #2

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- Coach says our teachers are getting mad

'cause we're elastic!

- Illiterate!

- Yeah!

- And you know what,

you're sort of pretty for a book lady!

(laughing)

- Oh yeah!

(barking)

- If you don't-don't, stop it!

You get out of--

- Sarah I found it!

Hey you get away from her or else!

- Or else (gibbers) what?

(audience chuckling)

- Or, or else,

maybe I'll hit you or something, maybe.

- Melvin, violence is always wrong,

even though it's often entertaining.

- Oh yeah (giggles)?

- Hey!

- Hey you leave her alone!

- And what's she to you, butt-face?

- Well, nothing.

- Huh?

- She's nothing.

- Huh?

- She's nothing.

- Huh?

- Dammit I love her!

(audience chuckling)

- I'm (mumbles), you, what...

(laughing)

- Come on, let's get out of here!

- Yep!

Love makes me nervous.

(audience chuckling)

- Oh Sarah, I didn't mean that!

- Uh, no, that's okay Melvin.

- You mean you feel the same about me?

- Oh no, I'm just uh,

I'm just pretending like

I didn't hear it...

(audience chuckling)

So what did you find in the the t--

Wha...

(audience snickering)

What uh, what did you

find in the (mumbles)...

So what did you find in the town files?

- Information so

disturbing, it could topple

the powers that run our tiny metropolis.

- What, do you mean the mayor?

Oh Melvin are you saying

you're gonna fight the mayor?

- Me?

Oh don't be ridiculous!

- Now don't tell me you're scared!

- Oh, in fact I'm

intimidated by any person

in any position of authority!

- So you're just going to

let the Good Earth turn

Tromaville into a, a cesspool

of pollution and disease?

- I hate any form of conflict!

(smacking)

Oh!

- Well then, someone has

a dilemma, don't they?

One, two, three, four, five, six--

- Sarah did you really think I--

Do you really think I could--

- Melvin,

may I touch your body's

most exciting organ?

- What...

(tender music)

- Hmm, I was right.

You do have a beautiful soul.

(mumbles), oh seven, seven, eight...

I will save you Sarah

I'll clean the air for you

And if I save you Sarah

Perhaps you'll love me too

(sympathetic music)

(audience applauding)

I'm the mayor of this crappy town

So let me tell you

how it's gonna go down

Now I'm gonna star your toxic trash

And you will pay me boatloads of cash

Cash, cash

I'm just a Jersey girl

I'm gonna rule the world

I was born to run this state

She was born, she was born to run

She's got a lot of love in her

So I'm gonna be the governor

The on the take candidate

On the take, she's on the take

She's gonna be the next governor

To run this state you

must shake it down

Tell us more

You lie or cheat or you sleep around

She's a whore

I do things the Jersey way

And there's only one thing to say

I'm just a Jersey gal

A feisty femme fatale

I'll be living on a prayer

She'll be living, living on a prayer

So watch me as I campaign

Through snow and sleet and acid rain

Can you feel the love

in the Jersey air

Feel the love, feel

the love in the air

She's just a Jersey dame

(mumbling)

Everybody's

High school flame

- Haven't I seen you somewhere

around my campaign

She was born to run

- trail?

this state

I was born, I was born to run

She's got a lot of love in her

There's an angel from above in her

Cause someday, I'm

gonna be the governor

You know what to do boys

You!

Ooh

I'm gonna be

She's gonna be

A gorgeous, governor

Oh oh

Oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

oh oh oh oh oh oh oh

Governor

(audience applauding)

- Excuse me.

(audience snickering)

- Okay boys.

See you next week.

Who are you and how the

hell did you get in here?

- Your secretary wasn't there.

- Dammit, never hire your mother.

- Madam Mayor, I am Melvin Ferd III,

an aspiring Earth Scientist

and you must listen to me!

- Oh!

- I know who owns the evil

Good Earth Corporation that's

been polluting our town!

- What, who?

- You!

- What?

- You own the Good Earth Corporation.

- I deny it.

- Oh yeah?

In my hand I have the

official town records!

- What, but, I hid those records

in the town library, and

I hired a blind librarian.

(audience chuckling)

- Madam Mayor, change your evil ways,

or I'll be forced to take these records

to the District Attorney!

(thumping)

Oh!

- You wouldn't!

- Yesterday I wouldn't, but now,

the love of a woman has

taught me to fight the power!

- F***!

(audience chuckling)

All right, all right.

Let me think, think think...

All right, I got it.

(sultry music)

Melvin, there's really no need for you

to go do the DA handsome.

- There's not?

- Nooo, 'cause...

You're just a Jersey boy

Who I want to

(gagging)

(audience snickering)

Employ

- Employ?

I'll make you my deputy

Deputy gonna be my deputy

- Oh wow really?

How 'bout a badge for my chest

- Sure!

Boy Sarah's gonna be impressed

Who is Sarah

- She's the blind libr--

Wait, I don't care

I don't care I don't care I don't care

Come back to tomorrow pop

Now let's get all this cleaning up

(mumbles) from this toxic nightmare

Gee I'm gonna be a

Deputy

- Oh my god, thank you!

(tense music)

Sluggo!

- Yeah, Auntie Mayor?

- His name is Melvin

(dramatic music)

Ferd

(dramatic music)

the third.

(dramatic music)

Spill his blood

Spill his guts

He found me out, that little putz

It's time for you to

pray upon the weak

Make him scream

(grunting)

Make him beg

Well, good luck, break a leg

Get juiced and drug induced

And get the geek

(laughing)

Get the, get the geek

Get the, get the geek

All the scumbags I will nab

With my badass deputy badge

Melvin Ferd is on a winning streak

- What?

There's a hero coming your way

I'll get the girl and save the day

And I won't be some circus freak

Get the geek, get the geek

Not (mumbles)

Hello, hello geek

- Uh-oh!

(laughing)

Goodbye

Goodbye geek

- Listen fellas, I'm on a vital

mission to save Tromaville!

Get the, get the geek

Get

The

Geek

(clanging)

- [Melvin] Hey, hey fellas,

this stuff could kill me!

(laughing)

- We ain't gonna kill 'ya!

- No, we're just gonna

dip in your nosey nose.

(chuckling)

- What have I done?

- You've been boffing the mayor!

- [Melvin] Oh, I won't

bop her again, I promise!

Please, please, just don't drop me!

- All right, the

butt-face got the message.

- Should we let him go.

- Yeah, let him go (chuckles).

(Melvin screaming)

(squishing)

(audience snickering)

By let him go, I meant, let him go free!

- Oh...

(audience chuckling)

I hate it when phrases have two meanings!

(audience chuckling)

- You think he's all right?

- Butt-face?

Hey butt-face!

- Come on,

let's get out of here.

(Sarah humming)

New Jersey, such a state of mind

- Wait a minute!

Lookee here!

Why do I

- Hey hey hey!

- Who's there?

The two illiterates?

- That be right!

And we just took care of your boyfriend!

- Who?

- The stupid guy.

- Who?

- That ugly guy.

- Oh, Melvin...

(audience snickering)

No no no you see I'm totally

focused on thinking of

a brand new book idea, and then,

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