The Toxic Avenger: The Musical Page #3

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I'm gonna send it to Oprah,

because if you want to get

anywhere in the book industry

you have got to go through Oprah!

- Hey!

- So I just uh--

(sinister music)

- Listen blindy,

we taking you on a little date.

- Oh, sorry, I don't date cretins.

(audience snickering)

- Nah, we're talking

'bout a date right here, right now!

- Hey, I need that!

(aggressive music)

Get the, get the chick

(laughing)

- Help, help!

Help, the illiterates have me!

Get the, get the chick

(Sarah whimpering)

- No, no please!

Get the, get the--

(thunderous roaring)

- What the hell was that?

(audience laughing)

- I-I-I don't really know!

(thunderous roaring)

(dramatic music)

(audience applauding)

- Son of a b*tch that hurt!

(perky resolute music)

- Who the hell are you?

- Who am I?

All my life I've been a pacifist

But right now, you

really got me pissed

That stuff didn't kill

me, I don't know why

There's a new Melvin in town

And he's about to get on down

It's gonna hurt like

hell, and you're gonna die

Maybe you better scram

Or I'll cut you up like a holiday ham

I'm gonna kick, kick,

kick, kick, kick your ass

I'm gonna kick, kick,

kick, kick, kick your ass

I'm gonna kick, kick,

kick, kick, kick your ass

It's gonna be a blast to kick

your ass

(grunting)

Oh snap, let's go

medieval on this freak

(screaming martial arts cry)

(clunking)

So you're here to try to

Do me some harm

While you try I'll just

to rip off your arm

It's nothing personal,

I hope you understand

Now, I don't mean to be mean

But I'm about to remove

(screaming)

your spleen

You got a problem with

that, then talk to the hand

You better pray to Billy Graham

'Cause I'm gonna show you who I am

(audience chuckling)

Oh it's your f***ing arm man!

- Help me please!

Help me off the stage, pull me, pull!

Pull, pull!

So I kick, kick, kick,

kick, kicked your ass

(grunting)

Rip, rip, rip, ripped off your arm

Had, had, had

Had me a blast

(screaming)

Oh man, oh man, hot damn

That was a monster jam

And that's who I am

(clanking)

(screaming)

(groaning)

(audience applauding)

(audience chuckling)

And I kicked your

Ass

(audience cheering)

(audience applauding)

Sarah, hey,

Sarah, are you all right?

- (whimpers) Now who are you and how

do you know my name?

- Why it's me, Melvin!

(screaming)

Oh, what is going on?

Oh god, oh god...

(screaming)

All right!

(audience snickering)

- What is happening?

- Don't worry, those bullies will

never bother you again!

- What happened, you

didn't hurt them did you?

(tense music)

- No...

(poignant music)

(Melvin roaring)

(energetic music)

- Hoo!

(audience snickering)

Wassa!

Good god in high heaven!

What kind of monster has done this!

(hissing)

- This is Sal the cop,

Tromaville CSI, we got a DOA,

I'm gonna need a ETD ASAP,

so order me a BLT!

We got us a nasty situation

In Tromaville

In Tromaville

If the pollution doesn't

get 'ya, the aroma will

Something bad's going down

(hissing)

(audience chuckling)

Okay, come on,

we gotta get this mess cleaned up!

- Okay!

- Wait a minute!

- [FBI] What?

- Take a picture.

(laughing)

- Got it!

- I got another one, here!

Look, oh god he's got me, oh god (groans)!

- Oh, oh, I got one!

- Okay hurry, quick!

(chuckling)

Quick, go go go.

(grunting)

Oh that is good,

that is good!

(audience snickering)

Got it!

- Nice!

(tender music)

(Sarah snoring)

- Sarah, Sarah!

Are you all right?

Hello?

(Sarah snoring)

(Melvin roaring)

- Where am I?

- You're at home!

- Oh, (mumbles), what

is that pungent smell?

- I just came from the gym.

(audience snickering)

- And remind me,

who you are again?

- No one, just a concerned citizen.

- Oh no wait, you're the man who saved me!

You're my uh, my hero!

(Melvin roaring)

Why did you make that

large sound?

(audience chuckling)

- I'm not really sure.

I guess that's the noise I make when

I'm happy now!

Anyhoo, anyhoo, you're

safe, I should leave

it's been a really weird evening.

- What, no no you haven't

told me anything about you!

- Oh, I'm just, really, really, average.

- You are something else besides that!

- I am?

- Well, you're my hero!

- Oh...

- May I ask a favor, average, hero?

- Oh anything, anything at all.

- May I uh, may I feel your face?

- Oh anything but that!

- But Melvin...

- What?

- You remind me of

my friend Melvin, he too suffers from

tragic low self esteem.

- No no no I have acne.

- Oh it's okay to have acne on your face,

it's the people who have

acne in their souls,

who, (grunts) are unattractive!

- Oh, you're so, you're so noble!

You're like Mother Theresa if only

she were blind and hot!

- You know, I get that a lot.

(audience snickering)

- If you like, you can touch my chest.

- Well (sighs), I, um...

(audience snickering)

Um, oh well, hello daddy.

(audience chuckling)

- Anyway, I should get going,

if I'm home late my mother worries.

- Oh a big strapping man like you lives at

home with his mother?

Are you as wonderful as you seem?

(audience chuckling)

- Sarah there's something

I've got to tell you!

- Yeah?

- I'm...

Toxic.

(audience chuckling)

- Toxic?

- Yes!

- Uh, well now, that is a

funny name, is that French?

- Oui.

(audience chuckling)

- Toxic, wow.

No wonder you were embarrassed to tell me.

Would you mind if I called you, Toxie?

(Toxie roaring)

Toxie are you free for

brunch tomorrow, I'll make croissants,

that is French for bagels.

(audience chuckling)

(Toxie roaring)

And Toxie, I think it's wonderful that you

didn't hurt those two boys,

I find resistance to violence so sexy!

(tender music)

- Then I will never hurt a soul.

- Really?

No man has ever promised me that before.

Promise

No...

I promise

- Oh...

I promise

Sarah

(mysterious music)

(audience snickering)

- Oh, my god!

(giggles) Oh my god oh my god!

Is this all a dream?

A delusion, a fantasy?

I, I don't know (grunts).

No.

(pleasant music)

Today I met him

Can you hear the chimes

(chimes ringing)

(audience chuckling)

And he comes from the country that

Invented eclairs and mimes

(slobbering)

(perky music)

He's strong and sweet

and lives with his mother

He saved my life so there is no other

He's such a man and man is he macho

He's spicy cool like

a bowl of gaspacho

Someday he's gonna be my

big, my big French boyfriend

I have to call my best

friends in the whole world!

Hey Shiniqua I met his fly man

Shut up girlfriend gots to call Dianne

Oh my god now he sounds so foxy

Whats his name

Well I call him Toxie

And Toxie's gonna be my

big, my big French boyfriend

Her big French boyfriend

My big French boyfriend

Her BF BF

He kinda smells

But that's okay

Ah

He comes from France

And they live that way

La la

He's real polite but I got

A hunch he's gonna jump my

bones tomorrow at brunch

He's gonna jump her

bones tomorrow at brunch

Come on and jump my

bones tomorrow at brunch

Oh my god shut up, oh my

god shut up, oh my god shut

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