The Toxic Avenger: The Musical Page #4

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Oh my god shut up

I love this guy

He sounds really hunky

His chest is huge

He's a love monkey

We'll say I do in Atlantic City

I bet our kids

Are gonna be pretty

I don't even mind the stench

He's French

He's a hero he's a savior he's a mench

I'm verklempt

I'll be his ever loving wench

He's my big French boyfriend

Her big French boyfriend

My big French boyfriend

Her BF BF

My aaahhh...

(audience snickering)

Oh, (chuckles), (mumbles)...

My big French boyfriend

Boyfriend

(audience applauding)

(relaxing music)

She is a flower full of

Sweet perfume

She steals my breath away when she

Walks in the room

A woman like that is so hard to find

(sighing)

Oh, oh

Thank God she's blind

(audience snickering)

What would she do if

she could see my face

Would she love it tender

Or spray it full of mace

I wish I could get my eyeball

Back in my eye

When your face looks decayed

It's hard to get laid

But she thinks I'm one, beautiful guy

I could give her this geranium

And pray she doesn't touch

My cranium

(audience snickering)

Love isn't loud at

all, it's soft and kind

Oh

Oh, oh thank God she's blind

Oh, oh thank God

She's blind

(audience applauding)

(dog barking)

- [Mom] Melvin, is that you Melvin?

- Uh, go back to sleep Ma!

- [Mom] You have any idea what time it is?

- Ma don't come in here!

- [Mom] I've been the

whole night worrying,

all I ever do is worry about you!

- Ma, don't come in here don't!

- Melvin!

You're looking more and more

like your father every day!

(audience laughing)

Now Melvin, what have

you done to yourself now?

- It's not my fault Ma!

Some bullies threw me into a

vat of toxic goo, and now I'm a

- [Both] mutant with superhuman strength!

- Oh a mother's dream!

- Oh I'm sorry!

- Could you at least put

the left eyeball back

where it belongs?

- I tried, but

it wont' stay in!

- But all I ever

asked for was a grandchild!

- All right, but this

- So do you want me to fix

- isn't about you right now!

- some breakfast or

are you just gonna eat the dog?

- Ma!

(audience chuckling)

You gotta help me!

- That eyeball's gonna drive me crazy.

(audience snickering)

Melvin!

(groaning)

There's only one thing a mother can say to

her son at a time like this.

- Hmm?

(peppy music)

You're such a

Disappointment

You heard it hear first

- This isn't helping, Ma!

Of all the stunts you pulled

Son this is the worst

- What are we gonna do Ma?

I don't know, I'm still in shock

So call the doc

He might have a wonder drug

Oh, look at that ooze

leaking onto your shoes

I'm gonna have to clean this rug

Such a disappointment, follow me

My wandering disappointment, come on

So doctor, what do you think?

- This is the worst case of

chicken pox I've ever seen!

(audience snickering)

(doctor laughing)

- It's not chicken pox,

he's a mutant freak!

- In that case, wow!

He's a disappointment

The worst I've ever seen

He's a mutant freak

He's also very green

- Yeah, I noticed.

There ain't no pill, to fix his ill

My brain is in a twist

(audience chuckling)

The only cure for this kind of boy

Is to see a scientist

Also try this ointment

Oh oh oh

But what a disappointment

Oh yeah

Ooh brandy aged three years

- I know the best scientific

mind in Tromaville.

Some say he's a genius, some say he's mad!

- Oh!

- All I know,

is he is a wonderful dancer!

(audience snickering)

Yah.

But, you're what a disappointment

Oh oh oh

- So, what's your prognosis professor?

- Well after careful

examination, I have to say...

He's a disappointment

He's absolutely green

A big green freak

Never found happiness

Oh happiness

(screaming)

His eyeball's

on his cheek!

- Ooh ooh, gross!

A mutant son, ain't no fun

You have my deep regret

- He feels bad.

As far as health, his pretty self

There's only one fatal threat

Fatal threat, fatal threat

Fatal threat

- Common, household bleach!

(blubbering)

It's the only thing

that can kill a mutant!

- Oh!

- Oh!

- Ah!

- Oh god!

Still a disappointment

(audience applauding)

(peppy music)

- I got it, the idea for my new book!

An inspirational memoir!

A hot noble blind girl, oh,

is saved by a large,

mysterious, French man!

Of course she falls in love with him

because he's everything

she ever dreamed of.

Soulful, and he's sensitive,

and all muscle-ee,

and unlike any other man

that she's ever dated

there is absolutely nothing disturbing or

freakish about him.

(audience snickering)

- Uh, Sarah!

- Oh, Toxie, I thought that--

My, what is that smell?

- Newark.

(audience snickering)

Sarah, I'm afraid I can

only stay a little while.

I'm on a mission.

- A mission?

- A mission to remove every vile vat of

toxic goo from Tromaville!

- Oh, you're so green, love that!

But, do you at least have

a little time for brunch

before you go on your

mission, I made a toast-a

(speaking foreign language).

(audience chuckling)

- What?

- Well it's, 'cause you're,

it's French toast, (mumbles)...

No, back in a flash!

- Ah, I'm sure she won't mind

if we take a little look.

Ah, a French guy.

(audience chuckling)

I get it,

she must think this is me.

Okay, Oprah, so remember this

'cause it comes in later on.

(audience chuckling)

Come on, we've got to give it to the girl!

For someone that can't

see, the detail on these

things is amazing!

(audience chuckling)

I'll put it back.

(chuckling)

Oh wow, Sarah you look...

- Tea?

- Uh sure let me give you a hand.

- Uh, no it's okay...

- It's all right.

Here you go.

- Thank you.

Ow f***.

(audience chuckling)

(grunting)

- Oh!

Oh yeah, ah, ah, ah...

- You want sugar?

- Sure.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Uh-huh?

- Yeah yeah, that's enough.

(cup ringing)

(audience snickering)

- Cheers.

- Cheers, ah...

(slurping)

Ah, that's some good tea.

- So Toxie, do you realize that this is

our first date together?

- Oh, Sarah, I've got

something to tell you!

I've never been on a date before.

- Oh, Toxie are, are you a virgin?

- I am, are you?

- Well I...

(audience snickering)

I have been with other men (chuckles).

- A lot of other men?

- Um, I have a (mumbles)...

Carry, carry the one...

(audience snickering)

But, define a lot?

- 10?

- Wow, yeah, a lot then (chuckles)!

(high pitched laughing)

Hey, you know what I want to ask you,

how about you tell me a joke!

I do so love a good joke!

- Oh I don't know any!

- Oh come on, everyone

knows at least one joke!

- Not me!

- Now don't even think

if it's funny or not!

- I really don't know any!

- Just say it!

- No!

- Just say it!

- No!

- Just say it!

- No!

- Just say it!

- How did Stevie Wonder burn his hand?

(audience snickering)

I am so, so sorry!

- No, now did he, try

to read the waffle iron?

- Yes!

- That happened to me once!

(relaxing music)

(chuckling)

Look (chuckles)!

- Oh Sarah!

I always dreamed I'd find someone

But that was just some fantasy

I'd meet a girl and she'd up and run

Love wanted no part of me

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