The Toy Page #2

It's that bad out there?

Worse.

How attached are you to that beard?

I'm not gonna vacuum with my beard.

That's the '60s. This is the '80s.

You see, we're all part

of Mr. Bates' family here.

And none of us have beards.

I will not be denied, Sidney.

[HUMMING]

She's busy.

Come back about 3:00.

I'm looking for

Miss Ruby D. Simpson.

That's me. What do you want?

I'm the new cleaning lady.

[WOMEN LAUGHING]

Lord have mercy.

Morehouse done flipped his wig.

No, ma'am.

I'm the new cleaning lady.

[CHUCKLES]

Come on, honey. Walk this way.

[]

Move it.

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

MOREHOUSE:

He's gonna want to see all of this.

So you know what your job is.

Of course,

you want to be ready, right?

Chicken, Mr. Morehouse?

[TALKING INDISTINCTLY]

Oh, God.

Mr. Morehouse.

Please get some trousers on

before Mr. Bates sees you, okay?

Okay, pilgrim.

Here you go. Chicken.

Here you go. Big dipper.

Chicken from the back. Bam.

[PHONE RINGING]

U.S.

ALL:
Hello, U.S.

MEN:
Good morning, U.S.

WOMAN:
Good morning, U.S.

MAN 1:
How do you do, U.S.?

MAN 2:
Morning, U.S.

RUBY:
Mr. U.S., phone.

No calls. Time is money.

It's your son.

Oh. Excuse me.

JACK:

Time is money.

Hello, Eric?

How was the flight?

Good. Good.

I'm glad you're here.

We're gonna have a wonderful week.

And anything you want.

Anything. Absolutely.

Okay, son. I'll see you.

[CHATTERING]

[TABLE LEGS SCRAPING FLOOR]

[PEOPLE CHATTERING]

MAN:
That's my tomato salad.

WOMAN:
I'm sorry.

No, my salad.

Mine had four eggs on it.

No, mine has four eggs in it.

I can... I can help fix this.

I can fix this.

Excuse me, Mr. Whorehouse.

What are you doing?

JACK:

Don't be selfish.

I'm sorry, U.S. Goes back to you.

[TABLE LEGS SCRAPING FLOOR]

No, these other people got to eat.

MOREHOUSE:

Let him have the table.

He wants the table.

Psst.

Oh... Uh... Me, U.S.?

[GRUNTS]

He wants to talk to you.

Go on down there.

Cover your lip. Mustache.

Hmm?

Cover your lip.

[JACK YELLS THEN STAMMERS]

Oh...

Uh...

Sorry, Mr. Bates.

[HUMMING]

Is that all right, sir?

You're, uh, very strong

for a little lady.

And you have a lot

of hair on your lip.

Mm-hm.

Hmm?

We don't like our waitresses

to have hairy lips.

You see, I noticed...

Uh... Tell you what. Shave.

Shave?

Oh, uh...

And after you shave, you're fired.

Oh. Thank you, Mr. Bates.

Uh...

Oh, no, I can handle it.

I can, Mr. Bates. I can...

Ah!

Oh...

Okay.

What did he say?

What a great man.

He says I'm sexy

and he loves the chicken.

Heh. Hey. Ha-ha.

Know what I mean,

soul brother?

Power to the people. Right on.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Later, Morehouse.

[]

Here we are, young man.

Shall I wait?

Give me a hand.

Somebody give me a hand.

Let's see, hand, football. Hmm.

Do I have to stay? I'm an accountant.

Will he exceed his credit?

Shh.

JACK:
We gotta win this one.

All right. We got six seconds

or we don't win the Super Bowl.

I didn't come this far to lose, okay?

He's fired. Isn't he?

Did you fire him?

I didn't fire him.

You're the one...

Shh.

Shh, shh, shh.

Go deep.

Swing left on blue, okay?

On six. On three. On two.

So be ready.

Somebody get Matoussac.

Okay! Thirty-six, 44, on blue!

Hut, hut, hut! Go for it!

I'm okay, me.

Blue, 26, 32, hut, hut, hut.

It's always my toy department!

Why can't he get into stereos?

Or something we don't even sell.

We sell everything.

[]

Don't know my own strength.

"Danger. Do not touch."

Wonder Wheel.

Looks like a job for me.

Wonder Wheel.

This is great.

Bounces. Dance on it.

[HUMMING]

JACK [SINGING]:

What's so dangerous about...?

[HUMMING]

It doesn't work.

That's why it's dangerous.

It works! it works!

[SCREAMING]

Whoa, Wonder Wheel! Stop!

I admit it, it works!

Okay. Stop, Wonder Wheel!

Nice Wonder Wheel! Stop!

[JACK SCREAMING]

Stop the Wonder Wheel!

Help! Wonder Wheel!

I'm the Wonder Wheel

champion of the world!

Miracle Wonder Wheel!

The best one!

[AIR HISSING]

The best... Oh, Wonder Wheel, don't.

Wonder Wheel.

Come on, Wonder Wheel.

Don't. You can't.

We've been through

too much together.

Come on! Come on, Wonder Wheel.

Come on, you can do it,

Wonder Wheel.

I don't wanna go through life

being a Wonder Wheel murderer.

I want you to play with kids.

You haven't even been to the zoo.

You never even touched water.

Come on, Wonder Wheel. Don't die.

Wonder Wheel, don't die.

Please, Wonder Wheel.

Please, Wonder Wheel...

[GRUNTING]

I know what I want.

He likes Wonder Wheel.

Let's blow it up right away.

The black man.

He wants one in black, all right?

The black man.

He wants the black man.

No. No, Eric, no. Not today.

Not now. Not never.

Yes.

He's not a toy.

He's trouble. See the mustache?

I asked him to shave.

Mr. Morehouse, I really don't care.

But he's one of our cleaning people.

I want him.

He's not for sale.

Why not?

Because he's a person.

Daddy said anything I wanted,

anything in the store.

You can't buy a human, Eric.

Why not?

Because...

It's against the law, isn't it?

Absolutely.

Mr. Morehouse,

doesn't my daddy make the laws?

[CLEARS THROAT]

I think he's got a point there.

ERIC:

Mr. Morehouse.

Now.

Now?

It's your department.

Good choice.

You'll have a wonderful time.

[SCREAMS]

Tim O'Brien, Toys.

Jack Brown, Windows.

Hey. Remember me?

I'm fired, right?

No, no.

Do you see that kid over there?

Jesus Christ. Yeah.

Well, he is the son of our...

Boss.

Right.

He's bright. Phi Beta.

I see the resemblance.

Yeah. He'd like to take you

home with him.

He would... What?

It's just a joke.

What, is he sick?

No.

Nuts, right?

No.

What are we talking about?

He's just used to

getting his own way.

You guys are serious!

No jive.

You want me to go with him?

If you wouldn't mind.

Oh, I mind.

I don't want him throwing a tantrum.

He can do a lot of damage.

I don't care.

I'm not going anywhere.

No, sir. Not me.

No now. No tomorrow.

No next week. I'm not... No!

No! As you say, you know? No.

I think we have to butter your bread.

I don't care if you...

No! Hell no. You can't...

I can't be bought.

This got settled in the Civil War.

You can't have slaves. No!

We're not trying to buy you.

We just want to rent you

for a little while.

What is your hourly rate?

I don't have...

No. No.

By the hour.

No.

No. Now, I don't have to stay long?

Oh, no.

No.

You'll give a decent burial

to Wonder Wheel?

Oh, yes.

That's my friend.

This is light.

Well...

Thank you. Ah! Ha-ha.

Yes.

It's a little light here.

Thank you.

A little light.

Yes, okay, fine.

JACK:

Very pleased to meet you.

This is Eric.

Eric, he would be delighted.

His name is Jack Brown.

Jack, Master Bates.

[LAUGHS]

Mas...

Ah.

Wrap him up.

Wrap who up? Hey, Jack.

Wrap what? I don't get wrapped.

I can't be wrapped unless you have

ribbon or something soft.

This is still light.

[]

Elbows off the table.

Sit up, Eric.

Now, Eric, our stomachs digest

our food a lot better

if we eat some vegetables,

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