The Toy Page #3

some starch and some meat.

In that order.

Not all the vegetables

at one time.

I hate liver.

I understand nothing but German.

I hate German.

Well, Eric,

it certainly is a pleasure

to have you.

Now, what do you want

to do first?

Six Flags? Delta Queen?

New Orleans?

You know, I have a new helicopter.

How's school?

How's your math?

How are the boys?

Eric.

Does Fancy have to come

to Six Flags with us?

Certainly not. Do you want

Barkley to take you?

I want you to take me.

Eric, I've got a surprise for you.

Your present's arrived. Ha-ha-ha.

FRULEIN:

Not until you finish your liver!

Now just a minute here!

Boys will be boys, God bless him.

[TOYS BEEPING]

Eric, come and finish your dinner.

Get me a hammer.

Not until you finish.

Get me a hammer.

If you don't come

and finish your dinner,

you will not open that

until tomorrow.

JACK:

Are you crazy?

[SCREAMING]

What's going on in here?

She won't help me open my present.

She won't give me a hammer.

What the hell is that?

JACK:
Help!

Oof.

You said I could have anything.

JACK:

Help, please. I need air.

Schatzie, get a hammer.

JACK:
Can I have some air?

Who are you?

JACK:

I'm the new part-time cleaning lady,

sir, at the store.

What are you doing in there?

JACK:

Your son came along

and asked them

to wrap me up,

which they did, in a box.

This box.

I hope you have

a good explanation for this.

You said anything in the store.

Well, he was in the store.

I get to open it. it's my present.

JACK:

What?

Hurry!

Please hurry.

[]

[GROANING]

Didn't I tell you to shave?

Sorry.

Sir.

Sorry, sir.

I mean, come here.

No way.

[FIRECRACKERS EXPLODING

AND JACK SCREAMS]

U.S.:

Now, wait a minute.

Let's not be too hasty.

I'll pay you on an hourly basis.

Sir?

All right, I'll pay you

on an hourly basis, sir.

No way.

Well, what sort of a position

are you looking for?

Slave sound too crass?

I'm serious.

I am too. I'm a journalist.

I've been trying to get a job

on your newspaper.

The only black people you hire

do windows, mop floors.

I don't like it. I tried it.

Believe me, I have dignity.

Take those firecrackers and...

Never mind.

That's not the way out.

Go get him, Daddy.

Wait a minute. What's your name?

Brown. Jack Brown.

I only have the boy

for one week a year.

Get better lawyers.

That's too long.

I love him.

Frankly, Scarlett, I don't give a damn.

He wants you to stay.

He wants to see if you can make me.

He's a manipulative bastard.

It's a power play.

You know, if you were

a little less hysterical,

you'd suggest I pay you

what I pay my reporters for a week.

Four hundred dollars.

For babysitting?

Step in my office.

[]

U.S.:

Isn't that a magnificent

arrangement of dominoes?

JACK:

Yes, sir. It's really something.

It took me over a month to set that up.

A month? Wow.

Yeah. it's rewarding.

Have a seat.

You know, Mr. Brown, I'm a man

that gets what he wants by patience.

Some people exercise

their tibiae, their fibulae...

I exercise my patience.

[LIGHTER CLICKING]

Patience.

There's no hole.

Just bite the end off.

And spit it in your hand.

Eric's not a bad boy.

High-spirited. I like that.

I like him.

You'll like him.

I'm crazy about him already.

I want him to understand that money

means never saying you're sorry.

That's about the only thing

the kid does understand.

That's not an ashtray, you a**hole.

That's an ashtray.

Okay.

Ashtray.

What you're offering me

isn't a job. it's an insult.

And I'm insulted and I'm splitting.

All right, what do you need?

I need?

Ten thousand dollars.

Ten...

You're not a newspaperman.

You're a crook.

You asked me what I needed,

not what I'd settle for.

That's what I meant, of course.

Let's start at a thousand.

We'll work our way up.

A thousand is highway robbery.

I'd settle for 400

and a job on The Bugle.

There isn't any job on the paper.

A thousand five hundred.

That's a deal.

Two thousand.

Now, wait a minute.

We had a deal.

Two-five.

All right, but for that kind of money,

if Eric blows his nose,

you wipe it.

Three thousand.

Two-five.

Two-seven.

Two-five is my top.

Three thousand dollars.

I wonder if Eric knows what kind

of a bastard he's getting.

I may be a bastard, Mr. Bates,

but I...

[MOANING]

[GROWLING]

Aah! Ah. Oh.

I'm going to kill you!

Two-five is fine.

Two-five is excellent.

Are you at the store?

Well, where are you?

At U.S. Bates' house?

The U.S. Bates' house?

Clifford, hold it down.

I'm working for U.S. Bates.

"I'm working for U.S. Bates."

Not on the paper, no.

A toy?

I'm U.S. Bates' toy. I'm not stoned.

Let's play. Get off the phone!

No, he's not playing with me.

I'm his son's toy. Eric.

He's got a son and he hired me...

He's one of the nicest kids

I've ever met. He's really...

Play with me!

He's wonderful.

Ask me how much I'm making.

Get off the phone.

Get off the phone!

Ask me. Just ask.

Twenty-five hundred dollars a week!

Get off the phone!

Yes!

Say goodbye! Get off the phone!

Come on!

No, but he's a wonderful...

He's just wonderful.

You're paid to play, not to talk.

Just a minute. How old are you?

Nine.

You want to live to be 10? Do you?

Oh, hi.

Fancy.

Wait until I'm done, U.S.

I've got to talk to you.

But I'm busy.

What I have to tell you is important!

What am I supposed to do?

How do you turn off

this goddamn machine?

Oh. Oh, sugar. I like it like that.

Oh. Heh.

[GIGGLING]

Whee. That was fun.

Please. I have a headache.

I've got something to tell you.

Is it about the party? Everything's

arranged. it'll be beautiful.

It's about Eric.

Oh, God.

Has it been a year already?

I forgot it was his week.

What do I have to do with him?

Take him to Six Flags?

He, uh...

He bought a black man.

I wasn't aware that we sold them.

I wanted you to know,

so you wouldn't be frightened

if you saw him.

There's a real, live

black man in this house?

It's only for a week.

But why?

Heh. To play with, he says.

To aggravate you and me, I say.

Heaven forbid.

You just tell him no, you ass.

That's U.S., not "you ass."

Well, I'm just gonna

take a shower, U.S.

[]

[CHUCKLES]

ERIC:

Look out!

That's my bedroom over here.

What? Jeez.

[SPEAKS GERMAN]

I know nothing!

Oh, Eric!

[GASPS THEN SCREAMS]

This is fun, Jack.

JACK:
This is fun? Aah!

Look out!

[JACK SCREAMING]

[GASPING]

I didn't figure your weight

in the turn. Great ride, though.

Are you all right, Master Bates?

Are you all right?

[GASPING]

Jesus Christ! Are you crazy?

What are you doing?

You're making faces.

Leave the kid alone.

[GRUNTING]

Here's a hat. Now put it on.

Let's go! Let's go!

Give him a ticket. Put it on.

I'm Eric Bates! Give him a ticket!

Go give him a ticket! Chop, chop!

What's going on?

What do you mean?

Is everybody like this?

Does this go on every day?

You're not allowed to talk.

He's clean!

I'm clean. Thank you.

That's more than the floor is.

Know what's on that floor?

No.

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