The Toy Page #4

Your dinner. Ha-ha-ha.

That was my dinner?

That was my dinner, Shirley Temple.

I don't care. Get in!

You don't...

Got a license to drive on the steps?

I don't need one. I'm Eric Bates.

You'll learn the hard way, laddie.

I'm Eric Bates, U.S. Bates' son!

Is there a jail around here?

A jail?

Yes!

On the left.

I'm Eric Bates! Put me down!

I'm U.S. Bates' son!

In the slammer, mammer.

I'm Eric Bates! Put me down!

[ERIC SCREAMS]

Jack! Let me out of here!

Barkley, you're fired!

Well played. Congratulations.

Could you fix me a cheeseburger?

What's going on?

I didn't hear anything.

What's going on?

He was driving down the steps.

He drove through the hallway.

I don't want this job.

I'm gonna lose it anyways.

Dad! Dad!

Calm down, calm down.

Calm down!

What's going on?

It's my fault, sir.

My fault, sir.

No, my fault.

Yes, it's his fault.

No, now, Jack...

Daddy, we were...

just playing.

Right, Jack?

Yeah, we were just playing a game.

Yeah. Just playing, Daddy.

Come on, Jack. Let's go play

some more of these games.

Come on, Jack.

Get this cleaned up.

Yes, thank you.

There's a party about to happen.

Thank you very much.

[MUMBLES]

JACK:
Why did you stick up for me?

I want you to stay.

Why? Does it mean

anything to you

that I don't want to stay?

If you're paid enough, you'll stay.

That wasn't the question.

Daddy's giving you a lot of money.

That has no significance here.

Understand?

I am talking about I have pets.

I have friends.

I got 16 plants, and my lady.

Your old lady won't mind.

My old lady? Not my old lady.

My lady.

Put this on.

A costume?

This is for a short person.

I need something that fits.

I bought some costumes for Barkley.

Maybe they'd fit you.

Maybe they'll fit me.

Let's go play a game.

"Let's go play a game."

Come on.

"Come on.

Got some from Barkley."

ROBOT:

Round one. Keep your hands up.

protect yourself at all times.

JACK:
Box the robot.

Knockout.

This is better than Disneyland.

You know that?

Hmm. Hmm.

Round one. Keep your hands up.

protect yourself at all times.

[GRUNTS]

[GROANS]

Keep your hands up.

protect yourself at all times.

ERIC:

Come on.

Get up. Come on.

[GROANS]

Get this thing out of your way.

Are you all right?

Let's go play the game.

Foul! Foul! Foul!

What game?

The air-hockey game.

Come on.

You ready?

Who's gonna win?

I am, right?

You're not gonna win.

If you win, you can go home with pay.

For the week?

Sure.

No, no, no. Twenty-five hundred

dollars for a couple of hours?

Sure. Why not?

What's Money Bucks gonna think?

Look, I can deal with my daddy.

You can't deal with me on this.

I used to be very good.

Well, I'm pretty good.

Let's say every goal I get,

you have to stay another year.

For every goal? Okay.

That's one year.

I wasn't ready.

I make the rules.

That's one year.

You wanna cheat.

Two years.

I wasn't ready.

I'm the king of ghetto hockey.

You ain't gonna beat me.

Watch it, watch it, watch it!

Tricker! One year. That's one.

[GAME CLICKS OFF]

Come back. The game's not over.

I'm not playing.

You're gonna quit because

I was winning? You hate to lose?

I just don't feel like

playing any more.

What if I tell your father?

He doesn't care.

He doesn't care

that his son is a quitter?

He doesn't care what I am,

as long as I stay out of his way.

[]

FRULEIN:

Eric!

My little dove, it's bath time.

I'm busy.

Come on now. The water's ready.

ERIC:
No!

Hello, Mr. Brown.

Eric, now! This minute!

Not without my toy.

That's a good boy.

You want your submarine?

No. Jack.

Oh, no, you're not! I'll tell your father!

Does everybody around here

say that?

Mm-hm.

I'm not gonna say it any more.

[]

Not for you.

You can take a bath in my room

and I'll wash you real nice.

Meet you later.

My room is the second door...

What are you doing?

Wow, this is... Are you kidding me?

Mr. Brown.

I wanted a pool, but Daddy said

it might be dangerous.

This is great. Look at all...

Don't touch!

That's Mr. Bates' collection

and I'm in charge of it.

Now, Eric, you get in the tub.

And you, out!

Jack, get in.

Eric, you're too big to bathe

with another naked man!

She's right.

You shouldn't bathe

with a naked man.

But...

I forbid you! Oh, God!

Here we go!

Oh, my God!

Please, do my back.

Mr. Bates!

It Came from the Tub,

starring Eric Bates as "it."

I like you, Jack.

[HUMMING]

Jack.

[LAUGHS]

Oh, no, you don't!

[HUMMING]

Uh. Let me guess. You're the new

second-floor sprinkler system.

No, ma'am. I'm Jack Brown.

I'm sorry I'm messing up your carpet.

I wouldn't think this would

tickle a grown man.

Amazing.

What people will do for money,

it's amazing.

Hmm. Heh.

[SIGHS THEN HUMMING]

Oh...

Yes.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Who do these people

think they are?

Jesus!

Yuck!

[SOBBING]

I'm gonna kill him.

I'll pull his head off. I'm gonna get him.

[]

Well, here they are now.

Hi, U.S. How are you?

I'm fine. How are you?

Ooh. U.S.!

Fancy, you look so good tonight.

Hi, sugar pie!

WOMAN:

I'm glad to see you. Look at those

bracelets. Where did you get them?

Oh, these old things?

The word I get, U.S.,

is that they're going

to indict you.

Oh, state or federal?

Federal.

Goddamn them.

So where's that limey of yours

with the bourbon?

Barkley!

Your bourbon, my lords.

Thank you, my lords.

U.S.:

A federal case? Maybe we ought

to run a little party for the senator.

I always thought that they conducted

their proms in an excellent manner.

It used to be my pleasure

to buy the uniforms for the band.

And each year,

we'd have a different color.

Do you know why they're having

a party downstairs, fellas?

Because it's goodbye for you guys.

Oh, yeah. It's called a "wrap party."

This is all for you guys. It's over.

They're not gonna

sell you anymore.

They got a new toy to sell

called the "Jack Brown."

Me, the wind-up a**hole.

Yes, that's me.

I'm taking over all the stores

of America next Christmas.

Kids will be hollering for me.

They won't want teddy bears like you.

No, no, they won't.

And they won't want no sad pandas.

And no camels.

No tigers, leopards, lions, rabbits.

And orangutans. You understand?

Kids will want a Jack Brown wind-up.

"Mommy, I want

a Jack Brown wind-up.

Suzy has one

and hers can play basketball.

And Otto has one

that can drive a Cadillac.

He's real cute too

and I want to pinch his nose."

That's what I've done to myself.

I sold out to Morehouse, you know?

Yeah.

My life is over. I'll end up in this room

with all you toys for the rest of my life.

[BARKING]

[RUSTLING]

What the hell is that?

[JACK MUTTERING]

Jesus! What the...?

Why...?

[]

You think that's funny, do you?

What do you think of this?

Goodbye! I want my clothes!

"Goodbye! I want my clothes!"

JACK:
Hello?

I want my clothes!

"Hello?"

I'm not kidding!

"I want my clothes! I'm not kidding!"

Hello?

"Hello?"

Yoo-hoo! Hello?

Yoo-hoo!

Oh, hi. I want my clothes.

Mr. Brown. Now sit down for a minute.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes