The Trip to Italy Page #2

I can-I can let my hair-

what is left of it-

down.

Yeah.

- And, you know,

have a good time.

Oh, lovely.

Mmm.

Grazia mills.

Bon appetite.

Grazia.

You know, there's a publisher

who is very interested

in putting these articles

into a book,

a Christmas stocking book.

- How do they think

they're gonna

get six articles

and turn it into a book?

- Well, we would also do

the ones from the Lake District,

from the English ones.

What did you think of them?

- I didn't read them.

I was in America, acting.

- They were

a lightly fictionalized account

of your adventures

in the north of England.

- How were they

lightly fictionalized?

The names were changed to-

What about my name?

- We kept your name, but

the girls' names were changed.

- So how do they know

it's fictionalized if it says

"Steve Coogan's Adventures

in the Lake District"?

Did you say,

"[Penned by Rob Brydonl"?

No?

- Not in the traditional sense.

No, no.

But then I did do the work

for you, didn't I?

Mmm.

Bellissimo.

- What do you think

on the mini, then?

You enjoying it?

I'm... I'm pleasantly surprised.

it's a nice car.

And to drive it in Italy...

Yeah?

- What?

- You see what I'm getting at.

- Yeah, The Italian Job.

- Exactly, yeah.

- I was wondering

whether you'd actually

booked the mini in Italy...

Well...

The Italian Job,

just to give you

the opportunity to say...

"You're only supposed to

blow the bloody doors off!"

But I've done it now,

so hopefully

that'll be an end to it.

Do your Michael Caine.

Did you see him

in The Dark Knight Rises?

And his voice

gets even more emotional

than it's ever done in the past

before.

I don't want to bury you,

Batman.

I will not put you

into the ground in a little box.

I will not do it, Master Bruce.

I will not do it.

- I'm not

gonna bury another Batman.

Another Batman?

How many Batmans

has he been burying?

How many are there?

I've buried 14 Batmen so far.

I've buried 14 Batmen.

- Their little pointy ears

into the box.

- I'm not gonna bury another

nylon cloak with pointy ears

that people wear

at birthday parties.

- With the little belt-

the very wide belt

that is flattering

to a man with an expanded girth.

I won't do that to you,

Master Bruce.

I will not do it to you.

- And I won't make the voice

like that.

- The voice

goes even more like that.

He's basically yodeling.

Yodel-ay-he-hoo!

And then Christian Bale says...

"You wanted to see me. "

And when he says that like this,

he puts his tongue up in front.

"I don't want to be a madman.

I don't want to be

a normal guy. "

You sound deaf.

It's so nobody

can recognize him.

I can't understand

a word you're saying,

Master Bruce.

Talk to me as Master Bruce,

not as Batman.

Why-why does he-

So he can have

the cloak of anonymity.

- But he doesn't sound-

you said,

"Here's that bloke in the cloak

with the-

who sounds

like he's deaf again,"

that is not anonymous, is it?

I'm deaf hero.

- No wonder when Batman arrives

and starts speaking like that,

everyone starts

looking at their shoes.

'Cause they're all thinking,

"Oh, God,

why does he talk like that?

Poor fella. "

You know?

- And what about Tom Hardy

as Bane?

Did you catch a single word?

They're, like, competing

to see who's the most-

the least understandable.

- Bane, you're never

gonna beat me.

You'll never beat me.

Wind.

Take off your mask, love.

I can't catch a word

you're saying.

Oh!

I was saying-

- He's a wonderful actor.

Don't get me wrong.

No, he's very good.

- Tom Hardy's

very, very muscular,

so he's a terrific actor.

No, he's a bit-he's good.

He's scary good, scarily good.

- But...

I don't-I don't-

I don't-do you know

what I think that is?

I think that they both

are very formidable actors...

- Yes.

- Very charismatic...

Yes.

- A little bit scary.

- Yes.

- Can you imagine a first A.D.

going up to one of them,

going, "Um, the director thinks"

"he can't quite understand

what you're saying.

Do you want to try

a different voice?"

What did he say?

- "Do you want to try

a different voice?"

Oh, certainly not.

- "The director's

just a little bit worried

that maybe people can't

understand what you're saying. "

Stick your foot

up his f***ing ass too.

- "Okay.

All right. All right.

"No, um,

Tom says he's quite happy

"with the voice he's got

at the moment,

and he's happy to go

with that. "

What are you doing?

I'm on a set filming a scene.

Is something wrong with you?

- "No, I'm just relaying what

the director said, Christian. "

- Well, if he got something

to relay,

the f***ing guy comes

and f***ing tells me!

"Yes, no, I understand. "

Don't you worry about it, Tom.

it's fine.

- "Yeah.

They're both upset now.

Okay' u

- He can just say it

in front of me...

- "Is this not something

we could fix in post?

Because I think you opened

a can of worms. "

- "I know. I know.

I'm on your side.

"I know.

I understand perfectly, Tom.

"And, Christian-no, you too.

Yes.

No, I understand. "

We're all in the same scene.

- 'That's what I told him.

I think he's-I think he-

"Yeah. Shall I?

He says it's fine.

Just-just go with the voices. "

- F***ing halle-f***ing-lujah.

- "Yeah, okay. "

- I like Tom Hardy.

I couldn't do what he does.

I couldn't do it.

Neither could you.

But then he couldn't do-

he couldn't do what I do.

When you're saying

something like,

"See in store for details"...

- No way he could do that.

- No, no, no.

Sorry?

Where do I look for details?

- And what's the thing where

you have to talk really quickly,

with the disclaimer at the end?

- "Your home may be at risk

if you don't keep up

"repayments

on your loan taken out.

Terms and conditions may apply. "

No projection.

If you project, you add time.

Yeah.

Now, Hardy-

- You got through it.

- Well, yeah.

Look, I'm a pro.

I'm a pro.

I can't be any other way.

But your average family,

in the middle

of Comnation Street-

"'What the hell is that?"

They're throwing things.

They're throwing the remote

at the screen.

- Mm, yeah.

No, no, I'm with you.

- I can "Hardy" understand

what he's saying.

- Mm, I wouldn't say that

to his face, though.

- No, never.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Never.

If I see him-

"Loved Batman.

"Some people said

they couldn't understand you.

They're just wrong. "

- Yeah.

- Oh, wow, look at that.

- Yeah.

Grazia.

Grazia.

- Ah. Grazia.

- Grazia.

Look at that.

Do you know what?

That's just...

- There's a lovely-

- Mmm!

Lovely...

Mmm...

- Game.

- Mmm.

- We're both eating game.

Mmm.

Game's very good for you.

Mmm.

Because living in the wild,

it's had lots of nutrition.

it's been eating wild-

It's been-this is-

- Been exercising.

- On the run, very fit,

exercise.

- So if you were to eat

Mo Farah...

Yeah.

- It'd be fantastically

beneficial.

- it's the equivalent

of eating Mo Farah

if you were in a plane crash

with him.

Yeah. Yeah.

If you were in a crash

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