The Trip to Italy Page #3

with him...

- In the Andes.

- In the Andes...

- I'd eat him first-

if he was dead.

- What if

he was mortally wounded,

you know there was no chance

of him surviving,

and he'd lost all feeling

in his lower body?

Would you start to eat

those fantastic legs?

No, 'cause that would be rude.

Keep in the freshness-

No, no, there's no rudeness.

He's gonna die.

He's already paralyzed

from the waist down.

"Mo, Mo, you know you're not

gonna get up again. "

- If you put a tent up

halfway along

and you distracted him

by chatting to him...

- Yeah.

- Possibly.

- About his glories

at the Olympics,

reliving those moments-

"You united the nation, Mo.

You were wonderful. "

- Well, you know what?

it's a bit

of a silly conversation,

but if you-

but given a choice,

I'd rather eat Mo Farah's legs

than yours, and that's not-

- Well, there's gonna be

a lot more benefit in them.

I'd be the first to admit.

Only a fool would eat

my legs over Mo Farah's legs.

Yeah.

I'm trying to think

who I'd eat your legs over.

Um...

Stephen Hawking.

- Yeah, yeah.

- Yeah?

- Although I'd definitely

eat his brains first...

- Yeah.

- Before yours.

Well, that was just right.

Shall I drive?

- You've had three glasses

of Barolo.

I haven't had any.

- All right,

but I am gonna drive

at some point on this trip.

- Perhaps.

To be discussed.

I can drive in the mornings,

have a bottle at lunchtime,

and then...

Slump in the passenger seat

in the afternoon.

- What are you doing

in the boot?

Just getting some music.

One CD.

Sounds ominous.

Not Tom Jones, is it?

Alanis Morissette.

You're kidding me.

it's, uh, Sally's.

My wife.

Ah, yeah.

Shall, uh-shall we?

- Uh...

Nah.

Hello?

- Uh, hey, Dad.

It's Joe.

- Oh, hello.

How are you?

- Uh, I'm okay.

Where are you?

- I'm in Italy with Rob-

Rob Brydon.

- Buongiomo!

- Yeah.

- That's him talking Italian,

like a native.

No. Yeah.

So maybe it's better you and I

talk later on Skype

at the hotel.

- Yeah, all fight.

Okay.

- Good.

All right.

Speak to you later.

Bye.

Yeah.

Ah, well. Teenagers.

He's, uh-he's in Ibiza

with his mum and Mamie.

Ah.

Wondered why

you were so willing to come away

when you could have

been with your kids.

You don't get to see them

very much, do you?

- Well, that's-that's why

I'm quite glad that, uh,

Pathology hasn't been

picked up for a third series.

Yeah, so-plus, I'm-

I'm just tired of L.A., really.

- So your hiatus has been

indefinitely extended.

- Yes, through the summer

to the autumn

but hopefully not as far

as the winter.

it's a midlife hiatus.

Your mini hiatus

is a midlife hiatus.

- You still want to get

your photograph taken

outside Byron's house?

Yes.

The publishers want photos

for the book.

1822 to 1823.

- it's only one year

he lived here?

That's just a holiday, that.

This was just before he died.

He was essentially on the run

from England

'cause he'd, you know,

slept with his sister,

sodomized his wife

and some young boys.

- Yes, some of that

is out of order.

Is it "Alahnis" or "Alannis"?

it's "Alahnis. "

How do you know that?

Because I just decided.

And that's-that's good enough.

- Right.

Because in America,

people just call themselves

what they want.

I'm sure her dad's probably

called "Alan. "

- In which case

it would be "Alan-is. "

Uh, not necessarily.

I wouldn't be surprised

if a lot of blokes in America

called Alan

say it's "Alahn. "

Hi, I'm Alahn.

I got some properties

down at Boca Vista.

I'd love you to take a look.

And "Morissette"-

it's probably

that she was a Morrissey fan

and decided to call herself

a Morissette.

She's not American, though.

I will pick you up on that.

Alanis is Canadian.

Avril Lavigne, in many ways,

is the young person's

Alanis Morissette.

- You know,

I don't want to be-

I don't want to do down

a young performer,

but she's no Alanis Morissette.

Alanis Morissette is authentic,

an authentic voice.

- So you do like

Alanis Morissette.

Yes!

Relative to Avril Lavigne.

Come on, then.

- All right, let's have

a nostalgia trip back to 1995,

when we were both

but 30 years old.

- That's why Sally loves it.

She was only 20 then.

Do I stress you out?

Yes, you do.

- J' My sweater is on backwards

and inside out

And you say, how... I'

- How appropriate.

- Appropriate

- You know, I can see the appeal

in a woman like this.

Volatile women are always sexy

when you first meet them,

but two years down the line,

you're sort of saying things

like, "Can you just put the lids

back on these jars, please?"

- "I admire you taking a stand

against society's mores

by wearing your jumper

inside out. "

- Yeah?

- "But enough is enough. "

Exactly.

"And I am frightened by

"the corrupted ways

of this land.

"If only I could meet my maker.

"And I am fascinated

by the spiritual man.

I am humbled

by his humble nature. "

Do you know what?

It is music that appeals

to neurotic teenage girls,

but it's actually rather good.

- Byron appealed

to teenage girls.

Very true, very true.

L' And all I really want I'

is deliverance 1'

But how

Look at that.

Doesn't get

much better than that, Rob.

- Absolutely stunning.

Gorgeous.

La Dolce Vita.

We're living the dream.

it's funny, isn't it?

Women that age just look

straight through us, don't they?

Nonthreatening.

- Yeah, they don't even

find us threatening.

They don't even

find me lascivious,

because they think

I couldn't possibly

be thinking like that.

- The one in the blue top

looks like a younger me,

a younger, idealized version

of me,

a lovely hybrid of Springsteen

and Pacino.

- He's like you,

uh, after a computer has-

has corrected

all your deficiencies.

- He's an airbrushed me.

Isn't he?

- He's like the best surgeon

in the world

has been given a year with you.

- Yeah, thank you.

Thank you.

- There was a-

there was a time

when I used to make eye contact

with a woman,

and she'd flash a smile back,

and that's all it would be,

just a little moment.

Those-those women just, uh-

they just-

the smile you get from them

is the smile they give

to a benevolent uncle.

Or a pest.

Well, let's just look this way.

Nature never disappoints you.

No rejection.

- Quite rough, though.

- Yeah.

- Supposed to be

getting a boat tomorrow,

going to the Bay of Poets.

Are we?

- Yeah.

Where Byron swam.

Hello?

- Hey, Dad.

- Hey.

So...

Ibiza, party central.

Ciao, bellissima.

Hi.

- Hey.

How are you?

Pm okay, sort of.

Chloe's still awake.

What?

- I can't get her

to go to sleep.

She miss her papa?

Stick her on,

and I'll say good night to her.

- No, I don't think

that will help.

I think it'll only

make it worse, Rob.

- All right, well-

- She's crying again.

I'm sorry.

We got to go, darling.

- You know, it'd probably

be more fun if there-

you know,

if my friends were here.

But, you know, they're all off

in London having fun,

and I'm stuck here by myself.

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