The Trip to Spain Page #10

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racially offensive.

- Go on, please.

- You started off referring

to us as the Moores,

now you're referring to us as Muslims.

- The Moors were Muslims.

- But why did you start with Moores?

- It doesn't matter.

The people that I'm talking

about were one and the same

Moors with the Muslims.

- I'm not Roger Muslim, I'm Roger Moore.

- Dear god.

Oh, dear.

Oh, I've got you a ticket the first thing

in the morning to see the Alhambra.

- Oh, brilliant, great, great.

- Rob, I've got one for you, too.

- Can I go later, can

I go after breakfast?

- It'll be busy.

- Yolanda, you should come with me.

- I can't, I have to take an

early flight back to London.

- Really?

That's a shame.

- Leaving me alone with him?

- Oh, you won't be alone, I'm

coming with you to Malaga.

I'm gonna make sure

Joe gets to you safely.

- Thank the Lord.

- Great.

- Hello.

- Hey, hey, Dad.

- Hey, how you doin'?

- Um, yeah,

I'm good, how are you?

- Great, really looking

forward to seeing you

'm Maya de Marc.

I've missed you, buddy.

- Uh, yeah, that was what I

was calling about actually.

- Yeah, Emma's, she's

been in touch, right?

She said she's organized all the flights

and what have you, so...

- I can't come.

- What are you talking about?

- I just can't come.

I need to stay here with Helen.

- What's going on?

Talk to me.

- She's pregnant.

- You're f***ing kidding me.

- She's, she's pregnant.

- You f***ing idiot.

- I need to stay here with her

so we can figure out

what we're going to do.

- Wait, wait, are you

certain she's pregnant?

- Yes, she's definitely pregnant.

- And are you sure it's yours?

- Dad.

- Um.

Um.

You're 20 years old, you're

too young to have a kid.

You know, it's, any decisions you make now

will have ramifications

for the rest of your life.

- Yes, I know, but I'm not just

making decisions for me anymore.

I need to think about her,

and we need to think

about what we're gonna do.

- Okay.

- Sorry.

- Listen, you don't

have to be sorry, okay?

It's okay, doesn't matter

about comin' out here.

Just, um, well, whatever

happens, I'm here for you.

All right?

- Thanks, Dad.

- And I love you.

- Love you, too.

- Okay, listen, um...

Don't worry about it, all right?

- Yeah.

- I love ya, and I'll

talk to you later, okay?

- Love you too.

- Got this.

- Hey, good morning.

- Buenos diaz, amigo, Coogan.

- How was the Alhambra.

- It was, uh, good, it was good,

but it was, uh, you know, beautiful,

spiritual, blah, blah, blah.

- You okay?

- Joe's not coming out.

- What, why?

- Uh, his girlfriend's pregnant.

- Oh, my god.

- Bloody hell.

- What's he gonna do?

- Well, I told him he had options.

- What does that mean?

- Well, he's too young to be a clad.

He's not very worldly, you know.

- You know what this means, don't you?

Granddad, Granddad

We love you

- Hadn't thought of that.

- I'd start to think about it.

- He's gonna be a granddad.

- Thank you, Lord.

- Look at those, ah.

- See, a lot of

people think they're ugly,

because they're modern, but I think

they're beautiful because

they're functional.

Tilting at Turbines,

that's what I should call

my book about Spain.

- Good idea.

Oh, look, Maro.

Isn't that where you were

gonna take Joe snorkeling.

- Yeah, it was, yeah.

I brought him here as a

baby when I was filming.

- How old was he?

- Ah, about six months.

- Aw.

- You know, we could still

stop, we've got time.

- I'll go snorkeling

with you, if you want.

I could be Joe.

- You dressed in a nappy,

crawling out on the beach,

eating sand, only has limited appeal.

- Well, it wouldn't be for everyone,

I mean, I'm the first to admit.

- No, it was a long time ago,

when I was still married to his mom.

Yeah.

- Do you know who lives in Malaga?

- The mayor of Malaga.

- Yes, correct.

- Thank you.

- And Sean Connery.

- Marbella, Mr. Coogan, Marbella,

your mate, the mister,

he lives in Marbella.

- Yeah, but he flies into Malaga.

- By all accounts he's

a very well-respected

pillar of this society.

- Yes, he's very active in civic duties.

- I like to get involved.

The recycling, for example,

plastics on a Friday,

cardboard on a Saturday.

- Do you expect me to talk?

No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to die.

- When he met Cubby

Broccoli and Harry Saltzman

to discuss the role,

as he left the meeting,

they looked out of the window,

and said he, not yet, and

said, what are you doing?

- Getting ready to do Sean Connery.

- You appear to be doing him already.

As he left the building

and he walked out across Regent Street

they looked down and

said, "That man is Bond.

"He moves like a panther."

- Like a panther.

- Yes, but walking like

a panther is not enough

to bag you the role of James Bond.

Because of course Bond is

also something of a bulldog.

So, there was...

- It was primarily he had to

- He had to be a combination

- walk like a panther.

- Of a panther and a bulldog.

Apologies if I've been dragging

my arse 'round the carpet

because I may have worms.

- I have a very itchy

anus, I apologize now,

but it's part and parcel

- Show your bloody itchy anus.

- Of being a panther at the clock.

- When you introduce me to Blofeld,

perhaps I should curl

up and lick my balls.

I think I make quite a

good knight, don't I?

- Yeah.

- You do actually, yeah.

With the best one in the world

you could never be El Cid.

You could be a chap called Sid,

just not El Cid.

- I could be Old Cid.

- Yeah, Old El Cid.

- You could be Old Cid.

Look me in the eye and tell me

you think you could play El Cid.

In a remake, the Charlton Heston role.

- I mean, you could certainly play

Michael Hordern in El Cid.

- Who did he play?

- Someone's clad, I can't remember.

- Oh.

You know Michael Hordern, Emma?

- Michael Hordern, yuh.

- Why is she having him?

- Michael Hordern would go,

yuh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-uh-um,

Paddington Bear.

- Yeah, I know.

I loved his voice.

- That wasn't Michael Hordern.

That was Michael Hordern's horse.

- Michael, hmm, Hordern.

Anyway, hm?

- Didn't he do No Man's Land with Gielgud.

You wouldn't know, it

was theater, but he did.

- Um.

- Did he?

- You know who's doing it now?

Ian McKellen, you shall not have the ring.

- Ian McKellen, speaks

like that with a slight,

however he fancies northern flat vowels.

- Yes, gracias.

- Finito.

- Muchas gracias.

Thank you.

- You're missing a bit of

confidence, you see, because Ian...

- Yes, well, no, I think

you're overplaying that

because, you see...

- No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- No, he's acting in the role.

You don't quite get it.

- I've spoken to him.

- I can speak.

- Oh, you do a McKelloff.

- I have actually met him.

- I have met him many times.

- I've met him many times.

How many times?

- Many times.

Oh, you don't get the

musicality when he throws a line

up to the gods,

- That was good.

- And then brings it back down,

but still with the flat vowels.

They are very much in evidence,

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