The True Memoirs of an International Assassin Page #6

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rip out his still beating heart,

and hoist it above his corpse

like this for the entire party to see.

I was thinking something

maybe quicker.

Whatever works for you.

Until next we meet.

I can do that myself.

I opened it for you. It's not a big thing.

Stay close to them.

Let me know when it is done.

Tonight... we take back our country.

It's my country.

Isn't El Toro gonna be pissed

when I don't do what I said?

Once the president's prosecuted,

his corruption's exposed,

El Toro will thank you.

Testing, testing. Uno, dos, tres.

Testing, testing. Uno, dos, tres.

Remember, I need the president confessing

to ordering the hit on Masovich.

- Is that all?

- Don't get killed.

- Like my other five partners.

- You were messing with me.

Was I?

Don't you start with that.

You go left, I'll go right.

Locate the president, and meet

back here before you make contact.

I trust all is proceeding to plan.

Tomorrow our Russian friend won't

be feeling very good.

Because he'll be dead.

That's what I was going for, yeah.

So clumsy of me.

I think I've had one too many.

Thank you, my friend.

Anton.

Let's dance.

I thought you'd never ask.

Thank you.

I'll take that, sir.

Juan.

How did you get in?

- I'm more capable than El Toro thinks.

- I'm glad you're here, man.

- I'm freaking out.

- You will kill the president tonight.

- Yeah, of course.

- Otherwise, I will.

And then I'll kill you.

Come on, man. Oh, come on now. Kylie.

If you don't hear from me,

I'm so gonna die.

Tango.

The vertical expression

of a horizontal act.

- Hello.

- Ghost Face Killer.

Got your text.

- You're kidding, right?

- Kylie, it's not a good time.

- Unh!

- I'll get you horizontal, but in a box.

I forgot to ask.

Where's the manuscript

for your next book?

Oh, no.

I can't do this right now.

Shall we take this upstairs?

Ooh. You about to assassinate someone?

I gotta go.

I gotta go.

Could this guy be more

of a mouth breather?

Well, I think his everyday Joe appearance

is all a part of his cover.

Think about it. You'd never suspect a guy

who looks like that is an assassin.

Which makes him the perfect assassin.

You think this guy's the Ghost?

I'll bet you a year's salary

he kills the president tonight.

- Easiest 17 grand I ever made.

- Yeah.

Mr. President.

Oh.

A fellow American. How nice.

Don't you just hate the food here?

I mean, it's all Mexican.

Man, I would just kill for some

of them mini hot dogs right about now.

Hey, Juan.

You know him?

I call them all Juan.

Half the time, I'm right.

Juan Valdez, go to the kitchen.

Order me up some of them

pigs in a blanket.

Pronto.

Gracias. Hombre.

I know you.

I do.

You're that author

that Katie Couric outed.

Man, you, you and Sarah Palin.

That KC, she's the real assassin, huh?

Have you seen the Auto-Tune they did

of your interview on YouTube?

No, but you know what?

Maybe you have an office you can show me?

Dude, yes. Come.

Will this work?

I hope they can get blood

out of the carpet.

Mr. President, I was hoping

to talk to you about Anton Masovich.

S.

I made sure I had Zima

for that little pain in the ass.

Man, I so hate all of this.

There are times when I really wanna

put a gun in my mouth.

Have you had a job like that, americano?

Actually, I did.

I wish you'd take a bribe like the others.

Sorry, I'm not that kind of girl.

Gracias, put down.

I'm starving.

Juan.

Cerveza.

Pardonnez-moi.

S'il vous plat.

Ciao, ciao.

Of course, seor.

What if I could make

your Masovich problem go away?

Pig?

You mean, like, go away forever?

Just say the word.

I don't care you're a woman.

I'm still gonna kill you.

Good to know you're

an equal opportunity douche bag.

Didn't General Ruiz

already talk to you about this?

- Talk to me about what?

- The thing.

- What thing?

- The thing.

The thing that you're asking me about.

I was asking you about...

- what?

- About our little friend.

Which one?

Masovich.

- Oh. So, you're saying, if I'm clear...

- I want you to kill Masovich!

- What is wrong with you?

- Nothing is wrong.

- Everything is great in the world.

- Wait.

- Sorry?

- Is that a wire?

- Huh?

- In your shirt there. No, there.

- No, no. No, no. No, no.

- No?

No, no, no. No, no, no.

It's an iPhone headset.

- But I see it in your shirt.

- It's a music...

No!

That...

is definitely a wire.

Come on!

It's okay.

It is?

Yeah, it's okay.

I knew...

that this was gonna happen eventually.

That I would get caught.

Man, I hate this place.

I so miss San Diego

and the perfect weather.

Instead, I'm stuck with this.

And I can't get out.

I hate all of this.

I hate the people, I hate the food. I...

hate that lion, the way it looks at me.

And I hate soccer.

Go Padres.

I hate my life.

And most of all...

I hate myself.

Hey.

Hey, hey, hey.

This is not the end of the world.

Lift your head up, and you look at me.

Now, I'm telling you, I got caught

doing something wrong, too.

But I'm gonna tell you,

I am a better person now.

Okay, you can still make a difference.

It's too late for that.

That's a big misconception.

I'm... Oh, my God, that's a gun.

No, please. No, no, stop, please. No!

Oh, this is bad.

This is very bad.

- Help!

- You shot him?

- No!

- Is he dead?

- I think he's still breathing.

- You!

What do I do?

I don't know. CPR?

I don't know CPR!

How do you not know?

You know everything.

Yeah, about taking lives, not saving them.

Give me the gun.

Hey! Hey! Hey!

Say good night, b*tch!

Good night, b*tch.

Arrest that man for the assassination

of President Cueto.

I didn't do anything. I did not do it.

He did it.

That son of a b*tch actually did it.

Pay up.

Que viva la revolucin!

El Toro!

El Toro! El Toro! El Toro!

Ghost, you did it.

- El Toro, what are you doing here?

- There is nothing to worry about.

I have made a deal with General Ruiz.

And Juan here,

he has something to tell you.

Oh. No, no, hey.

- We don't need to do this.

- Tell him.

Tell him.

I doubted you the whole time, but...

I was wrong.

You are... him.

Him who?

- The Ghost.

- Yes, the Ghost.

And as to you, Agent Bolivar,

I hope he was right when he said

that you are a patriot.

Will you help me

make a real difference here?

- I will.

- Fantastic.

Juan is gonna take you up to the compound

and bring you up to speed.

Your input will be very valuable to me.

- Thank you.

- De nada.

Juan, please, take her.

And you, my friend.

You will ride with me.

For we have much to talk about.

Wow. So, this is a revolution, huh?

Man, I'm really starting

to like Venezuela.

- Maybe I'll even get a timeshare.

Or not.

Either way.

I'm really sorry to do this, Fantasma.

What...?

What about

the whole us-riding-together thing?

You know too much.

Now you must die. But...

you will live in our hearts

and minds forever.

But I'll be dead.

But you will live forever.

You will be a legend.

We will write songs about you.

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