The Truth About Cats & Dogs Page #7

a very good idea right now.

But I'll tell her that you're here

and perhaps she'll come out... eventually.

Brian wants to see you.

(as Noelle) Tell him to come back later!

I don't think he can be dissuaded.

(as Noelle) I'll call the whole thing off!

You're the boss.

What did she say?

She was acting strangely before.

She's a little bit out of it.

I think that she'll call you later.

Abby, it's me.

I wrote down the things that you asked me to.

Listen, could you do me a favour?

She's worried that I don't love her, so...

Sit down. You be Abby.

- I'm Abby.

- I've made this list.

It's a sort of, um, lover's list.

Now, if I could just run it by you once,

to get a female opinion on it...

...then we can make

any adjustments you think it needs.

Sure.

One. I love the way you walk

into a room and it lights up.

Two. I love your eyes.

When they fix on mine, they burn into me,

and I forget what it is that I wanted to say.

Three. I love the way

we think of things at the same time.

Four. I love the way

you make a tuna fish sandwich an event.

Five.

The way you talk to me on the phone and...

Sh*t, this is ridiculous.

No, four and five aren't bad.

Maybe she's right.

Maybe I am rushing things.

No, I'm not.

Abby...

I love you...

...because I can't stop

thinking about you for one second.

Because I stay at home every afternoon when

I should be working, to hear you on the radio.

Because I want to read you to sleep at night

and wake up to you playing violin every day.

And because you're so beautiful.

You forgot to say

"I love you because you're so beautiful."

No, I didn't.

Yes, she is, but that's not why I love her.

I love her for who she is,

and if she weren't, it wouldn't matter.

- Of course it matters. It always matters.

- No, the truth is...

The truth is Helen of Troy.

- What?

- Helen of Troy. Men die for that sh*t.

The truth is you would not be

so enamoured with Abby if she looked like...

What? What are you talking about?

You know how someone's appearance

can change the longer you know them?

How a really attractive person,

if you don't like them, becomes ugly?

Whereas someone

you might not even have noticed...

...that you wouldn't look at more than once...

...if you love them, can become

the most beautiful thing you've ever seen?

All you want to do is be near them.

I love Abby.

It doesn't matter what she looks like.

What's the matter?

I'm happy that you said that.

Well, I'm glad you like it,

cos she hasn't said a word.

It was you... on the phone that night.

Yep.

That's your window...

...your violin.

- Yeah.

And that's your cat.

(cough)

Hi.

Is this ajoke?

(Abby) It was a mistake.

- Who are you?

- That's Noelle.

- Noelle?

- Slusarsky.

- Who's Donna?

- There is no Donna.

What is this? Is this some kind of

weird game you two play for kicks?

Pick up a guy together

and try to screw him up?

- No, it was just a mistake.

- Um, a practical joke.

- Ajoke?!

- No, not ajoke.

- Not funny ha-ha.

- Funny strange, if anything.

- I get it. You're a comedy duo.

- We never met until...

You're dumb and beautiful

and you're smart and...

I have to go.

Brian!

(Abby) He doesn't wanna see me,

he doesn't wanna see you.

Why send him back to me when

you could have had him for yourself?

I know you wanted him.

Because I wanted my friend back.

Besides, he's got this small personal habit

thatjust drives me crazy.

What's that?

He loves you.

- Well, how'd your audition go?

- It didn't.

Didn't make the cut.

Still not dignified enough for the news.

Well...

They're lookin' for someone at the station.

It's not the news, but I think it's interesting.

- Are you serious?

- They're expecting your phone call.

- Thank you.

- You should give it a shot.

You should give it one more shot, Abby.

Just go and talk to him...

...you dumb b*tch.

- I'm a dumb b*tch?!

- That's right.

Well, you're a dumb b*tch too, y'know.

Yeah, I know. We're related.

Hi, sweetie. I'm glad you're here.

Hi.

- I came to return yourjacket.

- Thank you.

You can just leave it on the stool.

I'm really sorry that I lied to you. It's just

the situation got completely out of control.

It's mentally exhausting...

...feeling really bad about something

you can't do anything about.

Right. That explains everything.

- No. Brian...

- What? What do you want?

I want you to look at me.

I'm looking at you.

You know the conversations that we've had?

The violin and the radio show,

and that incredible night on the phone...

That really meant something to me.

It was really important to me.

But all of that stuff

doesn't come in a perfect package.

It comes in this one.

Why didn't you say that in the first place?

I didn't feel confident

that you'd give me a chance.

Now we'll never know, will we?

- OK.

- OK.

I'm at the mechanic's and I'm gettin'

my tune-up, and I look up on the wall...

...and there she is, lookin' back at me.

But you know what tipped it off? When she

was dealing with that turtle and she was...

That ain't professional.

You're right.

- But we didn't have much to compare it to.

- You're right. But you know what?

It's not your fault, brother. I mean, who knew?

(woman) My German shepherd is driving

me mad. I left him alone for one day and...

- He peed on your bed.

- No, he peed in my bed.

He pulled back the sheets first.

Very considerate,

but are you sure that's all he did?

- Have you checked in your favourite shoes?

- No.

Hold on, I'll go look over there right now.

Oh, my God!

- Pinky, you bad, bad, bad dog!

- Don't worry. I wanna explain something.

Dogs don't like to be left alone.

It's not like when you leave, he goes

"Great, time to finish writing my novel."

When their humans leave,

dogs get depressed and they show it.

Yeah, in your shoes.

Listen, people are very good

about hiding their misery.

Your dog tearin' up your apartment,

he was tryin' to tell you something.

What?

- I wanna be with you.

- You do?

With me?

No, I don't wanna be with you.

What am I supposed to do about this dog?

Put on my poo shoes and go out shopping?

- I have absolutely no idea.

- Pinky, listen to the doctor!

I have absolutely no idea what to do.

- Wrap it up!

- Oh, wrap it up! We're gonna wrap it up...

...and I will talk to everyone tomorrow.

- I've been waiting 45 minutes!

- Hi. Hi. Do you think he's here?

- I didn't see him.

He could be here though, right?

OK.

(screams)

Stop. Please, please, please.

Oh, my God!

(whistles)

- It's cool, it's cool.

- Sorry.

OK?

- Can I take these off now?

- Yeah, of course. Um...

Over here. I'll help you.

- I'm fine. Thank you.

- Right.

Should I get down on all fours and gently

apply pressure to the tips of your ears?

- I won't bite you.

- No.

So is this humiliation on skates staged

for your amusement, or am I missing...?

No, of course not. I just wanted

to get you out here, in private...

...to discuss a few things.

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