The Truth About Cats & Dogs Page #6

she's getting kinda old and slow...

... and just not what she used to be.

Is there something...

She's no longer young and attractive,

so you want my approval to put her to sleep?

No, I was gonna ask about vitamins or...

You know who should be put to sleep?

People who only want cute dogs.

I hope your aesthetically unpleasant dog

bites you in the ass and moves on. Next!

(phone rings)

(answer phone) Hi, this is Abby. Please

don't hang up. I hate hang-ups. Leave it.

(Noelle) Good evening.

Welcome to the six o'clock news.

Noelle Slusarsky suffered a major setback

in her quest to become an adult this week...

... when she tried to steal

her best friend's boyfriend.

Abby, please pick up if you're there.

There's something I need to tell you,

but not on the machine, OK?

OK, I'm going out of town on a job. I'll call.

Hi. It's me, Noelle.

Please pick up the phone, Abby.

Abby?

OK, so you're not gonna pick up the phone.

This is what I had to tell you.

I didn't sleep with him.

We started wrestling around and kissing,

but he kept calling your name.

"Abby, Abby, oh, Abby!"

And I could hear it in his voice. He meant it.

So I stopped.

Told him it was all moving too fast for me.

And I haven't called him since.

Hi. Did you ever look in the mirror so long

that your face doesn't make sense any more?

It just becomes all these shapes.

Just shapes. Not good or bad.

Remember when he took our pictures?

You looked really good.

Did I tell you that?

I'm reading two books now,

if you can believe that.

The one that Brian got us, and a dictionary,

so I can understand the one that Brian got us.

I'm avoiding a guy who calls me Abby...

... and I'm afraid I screwed up a friendship

with the nicest woman I've ever met.

When I come home, I'm gonna fix things.

I'm gonna fix everything.

I'm sorry. I just miss you.

- Hello? Hello?

- (dialling tone)

- And deep cleanser.

- I really appreciate you taking this back.

And also your attitude taking this back.

Donna.

Donna... Donna.

- Donna?

- Hi.

- I was calling your name.

- I must be in a daze. I didn't hear you.

Department stores. I get that too.

- Sorry, you were buying something.

- No, I was returning something.

Well, I just bought a present for Abby.

Look at this.

It's a photo album and I had

her initials embossed. See? Abby Barnes.

- That's pretty.

- Do you think she'll like it?

- I do, yeah.

- Great. Are you finished?

- Mm-hm.

- Right. Can I walk you out?

- Yeah.

- Thank you.

Did she tell you

she's not talking to me for a week?

- Is that right?

- Yeah. It's driving me mad.

You see her all the time.

Has she said anything about...?

- She hasn't said a word to me.

- No, of course not.

I heard her on the air today. She was brilliant.

- Brilliant?

- Yes.

- That's a bit much, don't you think?

- Are we getting jealous?

No, trust me, that's not even possible.

Before I listened to Abby, I never really

would have given a cat the time of day.

I think I'm beginning to

understand them a bit more.

- Or maybe not.

- Whoops.

Well, you look like a cat-Iover from way back.

I think she likes you, too.

- Do you know much about animals?

- A little bit.

Of course. You've got all those goats.

At college, do you have a thing in England

called the Freshman Ten?

No, we don't.

It's traditionally where most girls

who go off to college gain 10Ib.

- Although when I went, I gained 40.

- 40?

- 40Ib, and I'm 5'1".

- So four times the required amount?

So you can imagine how popular I was

with all the 18-year-old boys.

What happens is that I meet a woman...

Do you mind me saying this?

- No, sir.

- I meet a woman I'm attracted to...

...and hopefully she's attracted to me.

And it's very exciting, and then I get to

know her and we have nothing in common.

Or the opposite happens.

There's lots in common, fabulous woman,

but there's no excitement, no sparks.

Say you meet one of these no-sparks women

and you take the time to get to know her.

Then you become intellectually stimulated

by her and you enjoy her personality...

...thereby igniting all your lust and passion.

Have you ever thought about that?

Are you gonna eat that?

- Are you cold?

- No, I'm fine.

You're shivering. Here, wear my coat.

So chivalrous. Thank you.

OK.

Seriously. I'll just get the buttons.

- It's fine.

- Your hands are freezing. Come here.

(blows)

Put them in the pockets.

There's nothing disgusting in there, is there?

Who did that? Who put that

piece of chocolate in my pocket?

You're missing it, look.

- Are you warm enough?

- Getting there.

Do you always watch sunsets

with your eyes shut?

- Yeah, it's kind of a religious thing.

- Really?

No.

Do you know, if you listen very carefully...

...you can hear the moment

when the sun hits the hills.

Sh.

Not today, obviously.

- I'm having a...

- What?

- Nothing. I've had a really nice time.

- Oh, me too.

I gotta go.

OK.

OK. Thank you.

- Thanks for the walk.

- Thanks.

Bye.

- Donna?

- Yeah?

If you see Abby... tell her...

Tell her I miss her face.

Yeah.

Abby?

Hi. I just need to talk to you. Ten minutes.

Ten minutes.

So we can clear everything up.

Five o'clock?

Your place. Great, great, great.

All right. See ya. Bye.

Jesus, you scared me!

I thought you'd be coming from over there.

- I was watching you.

- You weren't?!

I was practising looking relaxed.

- You looked relaxed.

- Did I? You look gorgeous.

- It's my job.

- Is it?

Speaking of work...

- This was a little bit too much for me.

- Was it?

I had to read each page three times. I'm more

of a mystery kinda girl, or maybe a romance.

- I bet you wouldn't guess that about me.

- No, but that's OK.

I mean, romance would be... fine.

I used to only date guys

who couldn't speak English.

I've missed you.

It took ages to see it wasn't working

cos I couldn't understand them.

- I speak English.

- Then I dated this guy Roy.

- I hated everything he liked about me.

- You have the most beautiful mouth.

We have to stop.

Abby, I love you.

You love a girl I could never be.

- You don't love me.

- Yes, I do.

I don't understand. Tell me what's going on.

- You need to know.

- Yes.

So make a list

of everything you love about me.

- A list.

- Oh, I gotta go. I have an audition.

- An audition?

- Yes, I wanna read for the news.

- What about "Cats and Dogs"?

- Oh, the cats and dogs are covered.

So make a list. Bring it.

Five o'clock, my place.

and another 200 were injured...

...as theirjourney came

to a tragic and watery end...

and another 200 were injured...

(knock on door)

(Brian) Abby!

- (music on radio)

- Coming!

Hang on, I can't hear you!

- It's me.

- (music stops)

Hi.

- Donna. Where's Abby?

- She's not here.

No, I just heard her voice. I know she's here.

Right. She's not here here.

She's in the bathroom, takin' a bath.

- But I will tell her that you came by, OK?

- No, I've got an appointment.

I don't know that that would be

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