The Truth About Lies

2

Well, when I was a kid,

I really wanted to be an astronaut.

You know, floating around,

no school or parents

to tell you what to do.

But I don't really like danger.

Ow!

And my mother wasn't very supportive.

- You're gonna hurt yourself doin' that!

- Ow!

I thought photography would be cool,

you know, 'cause girls love

to have their picture taken.

- Ow!

- But I just didn't have the right feel for it.

You stupid jerk!

If my nose is broken, my

parents are gonna sue you!

So, Gilby, what is your occupation?

Occupation?

Yes, what it is that you do now?

I mean, what is your profession?

Why do people have to

be defined by their jobs?

A person's job should not be

a reflection of their value

as a human being, right?

I am not my job.

I mean, why can't people just live anymore?

You know, what's wrong with that?

There's nothing wrong with that.

I mean, do-do you...

feel like there's

something wrong with that?

I don't.

Might as well have your job and salary

tattooed on your forehead.

'Cause, these days, it's like,

"What's your name? Okay, what do you do?"

That's clever, but the issue is,

do you like your job?

Eh... I work at a crappy

cell phone store. It sucks.

But, at least it's easy, not too stressful,

and-and I can live my life.

Is somebody making you feel

pressure about your job?

My girlfriend, Sharon.

I see... and what does Sharon do?

She teaches psychology at Columbia,

and she's doing research for some book.

Well, that sounds great.

I'd love to read it when it's published.

Do you live together?

Well, that's another sore issue.

She thinks I'm avoiding responsibility,

but I disagree.

I'm avoiding stress,

which I think is a pretty noble quest.

Stress is linked to cancer

and high blood pressure.

So, you think that living with Sharon

will actually make you ill.

Well, I think living with

any woman can be dangerous.

Why do you think married

men die before their wives?

Have...

No?

Gilby, she's working

on her research project,

and a book may come out of it,

and you're working at a

crappy cell phone store.

But, she's not a better

person than you are, Gilby.

Thank you.

She just might have a brighter future.

Look, man, why don't you just

do somethin' romantic together?

Do you have any ideas?

Sure, man. Go see a movie.

Check out a couples' movie. She'll love it.

Oh. Like a romantic comedy? Like what?

I don't know. Something

like "Jerry Maguire."

It's Tom Cruise

and what's-his-face,

and he's running through the rain,

and he goes in and he does this whole spiel

in front of all of her hard-up friends

that are eatin' potato

chips and wearing Spanx.

Girls love that stuff.

Is that the one with that kid?

- The ten-pound head kid?

- I don't like that kid.

Guy really creeps me out.

Forget movies, man.

Look, what does she like to do?

- What does she wanna do?

- I don't know.

She likes lakes. Like, nature.

- Problem solved. That's great.

- I'm gonna take to a lake?

That's gonna solve everything?

It's a start, Gilby.

Why am I taking your advice?

When was the last time

you even had a girlfriend?

You wonder why she doesn't

wanna spend time with you.

Is it my shot yet?

No, uh, you just lost.

W... I didn't even go.

I guess, if you ever Google

"beautiful lake near New York",

just stay on the first page.

It looked different in the picture.

You just can't trust the Internet.

Here are your drinks, boys.

You know, I-I gotta tell you, Bernard.

I-I'm glad that

I-I canceled my 5:00

because this is, uh, far

more interesting than...

Hey, it's almost 6:30. Where are you?

I'm gonna head in, so I'll

see you when you get here.

- Do you need to get that?

- No, I... No.

I thought it might be work.

Yeah.

It was amazing.

It was really amazing.

I could actually feel the positive energy

being transmitted through my body.

You know what? Eric just got here.

I-I'm gonna call you back.

I'm so sorry, but those clients

would keep me at the office

all night, if they could.

The good news is... they're happy.

Well, as long as you made someone happy.

Aw, Rachel, come on. I know.

I messed up. I didn't go to your thing.

First of all, it's not my thing, okay?

And second, you have no

problem getting out of work

when it's something you wanna do.

Weren't you just talking

about your Swami Rama

spiritual stuff?

Isn't that all about forgiveness?

You never even called.

You left me waiting, by myself.

I didn't text? I thought I texted you.

- No text. No.

- Sh*t. Yeah, okay.

That was a douchey thing

of me. I-I'm really sorry.

But, you know, if you were

to look at it spiritually,

maybe I was trying to teach you patience.

- Ohm.

- F*** you.

- I'm just kidding. I'm to-I'm totally kidding.

- Oh, really?

Why can't you see this is important to me?

I get that-that these

things float your boat.

- It-it's just not my thing.

- Forget it.

You know, I-I-I thought that

there would be a part of you,

just-just a-a

tiny part of you

that wanted to be with me.

Well...

there's a growing part of

me that wants to be with you,

- right now.

- A dick joke?

Classy.

Thought it was pretty funny.

My phone smells.

Excuse me?

Are you deaf? My phone smells.

I want a new one.

Okay, is there somethi'' wrong with it?

I just told you. Am I talking to myself?

- I meant besides the smell.

- How the hell should I know?

I'm not puttin' that thing near my face.

I'll have a technician look at it?

No, I-I-I don't need

someone to look at it.

I need someone to smell it.

I spent good money,

and I-I'm not satisfied.

I paid for a cell phone. Not a smell phone.

Okay, um, do you have your receipt?

- I bought it here.

- Okay, when was that?

What's with the third degree?

W... Are you calling-are

you calling me a liar?

No, this is standard procedure.

Do you harass all your customers,

or are you just picking

on me because I'm a woman?

I treat all my customers the same.

So, you admit it. You

harass all your customers.

Ha! I want the manager!

Okay, I'll get the manager

out to, uh, smell your phone.

- He's an expert on that.

- Thank you.

I'm actually very curious

to see what happens here.

You're breakin' up. No,

I said I can't hear you.

Sorry.

Whoa! Whoa!

- Ah! Are you blind?

- I-I'm sorry!

What the hell is wrong with you?

I'm... No-no, I'm really sorry.

I would pay for it, if I had a job!

I'm sorry. I-I...

Small fire. The jerk-off

left his lava lamp plugged in.

Whoa! You can't go in there, pal.

But I live here.

Just be a few minutes. The fire's out.

Oh, thank God. Was it bad?

No, I wouldn't worry. Very small.

Only one apartment affected.

What apartment do you live in?

Uh, 706.

- You smoke?

- No, that'll give you cancer.

Go on. One won't kill ya.

No, I'm-I'm okay. Thank you.

You wanna sit in the fire truck?

My kids love it.

Come on.

Oh, my God. What happened to you?

My apartment burned down.

Gilby, what the hell did you do?

- Jesus, Sharon, can I come in?

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