The Tuxedo Page #3

Oh, no.

Actually, I just...

Drink?

Oh, yes, thank you.

I just felt that to meet

your projections, pretty much

every person on Earth

would have to drink

only Banning Springs water.

Yes, indeed.

Water, Mr. Lundeen,

comprises 60o/o of your body.

Don't you find it incredible

that two hydrogen atoms

and an oxygen atom can combine

to create something

so beautiful

so useful, so essential?

I find water to be

miraculous.

Do you think I'm silly?

Not at all.

(clears throat)

Feeling thirsty?

Yes.

BANNING:

You're helping me out

by being a guinea pig

for a new product.

Oh, I see.

What a brilliant idea.

Water that makes you thirsty.

What's in it?

Salt?

There's no profundity in salt.

(chuckles)

Bacteria.

Once ingested

its DNA will instruct

your cells' cytoplasm

to spill electrolytes

into your bloodstream

causing dehydration.

(groaning)

It's virulent

but, unfortunately,

it's too fast.

Way too fast.

As we speak, your internal

organs are shriveling.

You're becoming as dry as...

Well, as dry

as your limited imagination.

Gentlemen,

fetch the vacuum, won't you?

Thank you.

Schiffer, Schwartzkopf,

Sondheim, Springsteen...

No Strider.

(sighs)

(beeping)

Wow.

(beeps)

(electrical zapping)

TUX:

Welcome to the Tactical Uniform

Experiment.

Tuxedo recognizing new user.

Mapping user's

neurological structure.

Activate wristwatch

for desired function.

JIMMY:

Demo...

Okay, show me.

(beeps)

Uh-oh.

TUX:

Caution... demolition mode.

The Tuxedo will consider

any object a target

and act to destroy it.

(gasps)

Oh, what's happening?

(clangs)

TUX:

Exit the demolition mode

immediately.

(crashing)

(whimpers)

Burn, baby, burn

Disco inferno

Burn, baby, burn

Burn the mother down

Burn, baby, burn...

(beeping)

(frightened whimpering)

(beep)

MAN:

Mr. Devlin, is everything

all right?

This is Jimmy.

I think Mr. Devlin wants you

to clean his room tomorrow.

It's a little bit messy.

I think he threw the party.

Should I send someone up now?

No. Maybe after he leaves.

Very good.

(phone ringing)

Hmm?

(yells)

(groans)

(phone ringing)

Hello?

Are we on?

Are we on what?

C.S.A. OPERATIONS

I take my work seriously,

Mr. Devlin, so please

stop using

that ridiculous accent.

What?

What accent?

All right.

You're the senior officer.

I'll play it however you want.

Deitrich Banning is holding

a meeting with water CEOs.

The Agency wants us to find out

what he's planning.

Wh-What about Walter Strider?

Who is he?

I don't know. You tell me.

Okay.

So, we will meet tomorrow.

V-15, 10:
00.

I'll be wearing a gray suit.

Your code is "nice rack."

(cackling)

I'll respond

"I forgot my bra."

That passes

for humor around here.

JIMMY:

What's the cross street?

Very funny.

(laughter continues)

(clears throat)

May I join you?

Uh, yeah.

Nice rack.

(heavy blow landing)

(phone ringing)

Hello.

Mr. Devlin, there's been

a change of plans.

But I'm here already.

Where are you?

Don't get all pissy about it.

They just told me,

so I'm telling you.

We'll meet tonight

base of the silo and...

forget the password.

Oh, now you tell me.

Oh, hey, there he is.

Oh, my God, that's him.

I got to go.

Guy in the raincoat. Get him!

I see you tonight. Sorry.

OFFICER:

Stop!

WOMAN:

Get back here, you creep!

(sighs)

So, we've got five minutes

to get into position.

I secured the rooftop.

The equipment's good to go

and I just have to say

it is such an honor to be

working with the legendary...

Clark Devlin?

I'm Del Blaine.

Have we met before?

No.

Good.

Okay, Del Blaine, let's do

what we've come here to do.

I'll follow you.

Ladies first.

Okay.

A couple of details changed

from what was in the file.

You read it?

The files are crap.

Give me the

short version.

Deitrich Banning's

holding a meeting

of international

water company CEOs.

We think he's trying

to force them

into selling

their companies to him.

Where are you going?

Huh?

I'm thinking.

We had Agent Wallace

working undercover

at his bottled water factory.

That is, until last week.

Wallace calls us

on his cell phone

to tell us that the operation

had reached critical mass

and, suddenly, wham! Dead.

As you requested, a Klineholtz

bolt-action nine-millimeter

titanium folding stock with

and counterweighted

micro-rifled barrel.

My favorite gun.

But I don't kill

people anymore.

Killing?

You're planting a bug.

It was all in that "crap" file.

Go look through your binoculars.

(beeping)

They're arriving.

Ready?

It's critical we get

a listening device

in Banning's meeting.

Range... 962 feet.

Aim for the briefcase.

Should be a piece

of cake for you, sir.

(yelling)

(foghorn blowing)

You kind of missed.

(ricochet)

(metallic clunk)

BANNING:

In the year 2001

$35 billion worth of bottled

water was consumed worldwide.

Today, bottled water costs more

per gallon than gasoline.

We, my friends,

are the new oil barons.

BANNING (through headset):

We at Banning Springs

have developed

a new filtration process

that would protect your assets

against the biological holocaust

that's coming.

Looks like we got company.

CSA would be my bet.

You've heard what I have to say.

Now I'd like to hear you.

How much is this plan

going to cost us?

It won't cost you a penny,

out of pocket.

All I ask is to become

your slightly-more-

than-equal partner.

DEL:

Banning says he's got

the only process

to make their water safe.

But to use it,

they've got to give him

half of their companies?

He's trying to muscle

these guys

into selling

their companies to him.

Banning says that their

water sources are in danger.

Something about everyone

being defenseless

against more deadly

forms of bacteria.

I can barely make out

what he's saying.

Do you want to listen to this?

What do you think

that means, sir?

Del Blaine!

Yeah, I'll be there

in a minute.

Yeah, I'd really like

some help up here, sir.

Del Blaine!

DEL:

Do you hear me, sir?

I know this is not

near as exciting

as most of your missions,

but could you humor me

with just a little

professionalism?

I would really

love some help...

What are you doing?

(grunting)

What's with the jumpy-jumpy?

Take off your headphones!

- What?

- Your headphones!

(grunting)

(panting):

Okay, Chapter Six

of the training manual.

Unarmed assailant...

frontal attack.

Begin!

Stomach, head! Stomach, head!

- (whimpers)

- (growls)

(grunting)

(yells)

God!

What's my name?!

Yeah!

(grunting)

You okay?

(grunting)

Oh! Where the hell

have you been?!

(grunts)

DEL:

Stop pushing!

Aah, my hand!

Whoa!

(high-pitched karate yell)

(grunting)

Yeah! Not bad.

Sir?!

Sir, are you okay, sir?

(both grunting)

(shrieks)

Don't let go! Don't!

No, no, no, let go!

(shrieking)

(grunting)

You're-you're-you're ripping...

my sl-sleeve! You-you...

(shrieks)

No, no. No, not, not my...

(screaming)

Sir!

My ring.

(screaming)

(metallic clang)

(gasping):

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