The Tuxedo Page #5

Right on, right on

Right on, right on

Right on, right on

Right on, right on

Right on, right on

Right on, right on

Right on, right on

(musical interlude)

(audience cheers)

(woman shrieks)

(applause)

(audience cheering, whistling)

(shrieks)

Oh!

Ooh.

(audience whistling)

(cheering and whistling)

(audience cheering,

music playing)

Good God!

So, you had fun up there.

(derisive groan)

I was blending;

that's what agents do.

Would you please stop?

I'd like to get to Banning's

table before morning.

Whoa! Hey, slut, thanks.

I hate celebrities

who brush off their fans.

Banning's girlfriend

has been drinking.

Okay, she might be

able to tell... Clark!

Yes.

Stop.

Get on the scene, Sex Machine.

(light applause)

MAN:

Great job, man.

Hi.

Hi. Good evening.

Hello.

Well, we're all

vaguely honored

you could join us, I suppose.

Singing is my favorite

type of music.

Oh, admirable.

BANNING:

Regrettably, this is

my vacuous fiancee.

I think her name is Cheryl

something.

Oh, charmed.

I could look at you all day.

(giggles)

Do you ever dance

unprofessionally...

Emperor?

Let's see what I can do.

(giggles)

Oh, excuse us.

Of course.

(band plays mambo)

Do you know how to mambo?

I hope so.

(beeping)

Whoo!

(giggling)

(sultry saxophone plays)

Hmm... '92 Dasani.

Gentle bouquet with a hint

of vinyl polychloride.

Earthy yet... ethereal.

Cheers.

(water splashes)

Oops.

I spilled.

JIMMY:

You and Banning seem very close.

Tell me about his work.

I don't want

to talk about him.

I want to talk about you.

You're such a handsome devil.

So are you.

When I can't sleep at night,

which is quite often

I step into my

laboratory and I play.

It's not work, you see.

It's glorious

wet... play.

Well, maybe I can

come over and play.

That would be very nice.

The thing is, I, uh...

I have a small problem...

trusting people.

I don't know if I can trust

myself with you, Deitrich.

Well, maybe we can come up

with a way for you to pro...

Her name's Del Blaine.

She's CSA.

Oh, bloody hell.

He drives a BMW,

registered to Clark Devlin.

You told me you

dealt with Devlin

with the skateboard bomb.

Yeah, well, he looks

pretty alive to me.

Pretty good dancer.

He's all over Cheryl.

You want me to do

something about that?

No.

Maybe the rancid tart

might actually be

of some use for once.

Get the boys, would you?

Whoo! I am so bushed.

I'm sorry,

you'll have to excuse me.

Unfortunate interruptus.

So, my long streak of love,

here is the key

to the hospitality suite

should you feel the need

to spend the night.

Good-bye.

Well, I think I'll just go up

to room 7-2... excuse me... 6-8

and take a long, hot bath

in room 7-2-6-8.

Good night.

Good night.

(chuckles)

And once again,

we end up with nothing.

I can get her to talk.

And say what?

(ditzy voice):

Oh, Emperor,

would you sign my bra?

Oops, I'm not wearing one.

(giggles)

What is it with you and bras?

She has information.

Oh, right, and that's why you

have to go up to her hotel room.

You have never seen my work.

This is what

Clark Devlin does best.

Can I go home?

No, you have to cover me.

With what, a shot of penicillin?

Huh?

Fine.

I'll be waiting by the pool.

Oh, wait.

What's her room number again?

(ditzy voice):

(amplified, slow motion

footsteps echoing)

("You'll Never Find Another

Love Like Mine" begins)

Yoo-hoo!

Cheryl!

CHERYL:

Hey, you little devil.

You'll never find...

What kind of bubbles

do you like?

Little...

As long as you live

...or big?!

(clattering)

Someone who loves you

Hang it for me, will you?

Tender like I do

Whoa, I'm not bragging

on myself...

So...

I know you can dance, but...

what else can you do?

Get on the bed.

I'll show you.

(giggling)

Oh!

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...

(beeping)

Okay, Mr. Devlin,

let's see your magic.

(Cheryl moaning erotically)

Oh, my God, your hands

are like a machine.

Oh, I am never working

with him again.

So, tell me about Deitrich's

good friend, Walter Strider.

(bones cracking)

Oh! Never heard of him...

but I know Dry Martini.

Maybe someone should mix us

a couple.

Y-O-U spells "you."

(giggles softly)

(chuckles)

Oh.

You're smart.

Really?

And a good speller.

(giggling)

Thanks. I graduated

top two-thirds

of my sixth grade class.

But I know somehow, some way...

What a gentleman.

Some way, you are...

You're gonna miss my lovin'...

Look, it's Cocktail Barbie.

Take your clothes off

and stay a while.

L-I like my clothes on.

Kinky boy.

Wh-Wh...?

Where did you

get that pin?

Oh. Deitrich.

Want to have a closer look?

Huh?

(giggling)

I'm sorry.

Look at the time. I got to go.

Oh, Emperor.

(yelling)

(shrieking)

Where are you going?

JIMMY:

What are you doing?

Oh, Emperor.

(both shrieking)

Oh, where are you going

you naughty boy?

I adore romance when it's rough.

Whoo!

(grunting)

(whirring)

(slapping)

(gasping)

(yells)

(angry grunt)

Get back here!

You're dead meat!

Come on!

(grunting)

(screaming)

(panting)

Take a bath.

Oh, yes, because I've been

a dirty, dirty girl.

(loud smooch)

(gasping)

Go fill the tub.

Do you like it with bubbles?

Hot bubbles.

(shrieking):

Oh, yippee!

Yippee!

(shrieking)

CHERYL:

Tiny bubbles in my wine...

Makes me feel fine

Come on, her voice reminds me

of my mother.

(thud)

CHERYL:

Is that room service?

(gasping)

(grunting)

(beeping)

(grunting)

(groans)

What's happening?

CHERYL:

What's going on under those

cute little boxers of yours?

(grunting)

CHERYL:

Emperor, the bubbles

are perfect.

CHERYL:

Come to mama, Emperor!

Coming!

(grunting and groaning)

Ow!

(whimpers)

DEL:

Help!

(screaming)

(whirring and beeping)

Say good night... agent!

Del Blaine. Del Blaine.

(gasping)

(man screaming)

(whirring and beeping)

Sorry.

CHERYL:

Emperor...

This is not what

I signed up for!

I need my bathroom bud.

Shh. She's in there

taking a bath.

What happened to your nose?

(yelping)

(gasping and yelping)

Sorry!

Honeymooners.

Yes, some things never change.

Emperor!

Emperor, come back!

Please!

(soft grunt)

Oh...

Go! Get going.

Ouch!

Can't you do anything?

Why are you so mad?

Gee, let me think.

Because big, ugly men

are trying to kill me?

Because I got stuck

with a millionaire playboy

dilettante for a partner?

You don't care

how you make people feel.

I happen to be

an extremely sensitive person.

Ow!

Okay, you think

you know feelings.

Look at me.

How do I feel?

Sick.

Sad.

What about now?

Constipated.

Creepy.

Horny.

(exaggerated laughter):

Is funny.

(exaggerated yelling):

Is angry.

(exaggerated scream):

Is crazy.

You know nothing.

This is why you don't have

a boyfriend.

No wonder you didn't get

anything from Banning.

Oh... right, I didn't

get anything from Banning

except where

his friggin' lab is.

Where?

Let's see if the great master

"agent" can figure it out.

Banning said he sometimes

has trouble sleeping.

Big secret.

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