The Twelve Chairs Page #2

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That's him.

That's my master.

- [Both Laughing]

- Oh, master, master.

- Here, Tikon.

- Oh, so good to see you.

Here is a ruble. You go have some vodka,

and you don't come back for a bit.

- Vodka.

- Your master and I have business to discuss.

- [Groans]

- Come on.

- Business. Business.

- Come on.

Tikon...

you're not to say a word

to anyone about my being here.

It is secret.

[Whispering]

I'm not to tell anyone my master is in Stargorod.

It's a secret.

My master told me a secret.

So...

you'd prefer to keep

your whereabouts a secret.

Very interesting.

Who are you?

What is this business

you have to discuss with me?

I have no business with you.

What do you want?

Oh, I don't know.

I guess maybe it depends

upon what you're hiding.

- Maybe this will shed a little light on the matter.

- Give me that. That's mine!

Oh, how very impressive.

This ought to fetch

quite a lot.

Please give me that paper.

It's personal property.

Oh, haven't you heard?

There is no personal property in the Soviet Union.

Everything belongs

to the people.

Will you please

give me that paper?

It is a private matter,

and I am not at liberty to discuss it.

Yes, of course. Of course.

One shouldn't interfere in private matters.

It's considered gauche.

There you are.

Now, I must be off.

- Where are you going?

- Ah, the eternal question.

Quo vadis?

Well, if you must know,

I am "vadising" off to gossip with the secret police.

- "Secret police"?

- Well, what can I do, old cock?

After all, I am a patriotic

citizen of the Soviet Union.

It is my sacred duty

to turn you in.

Now, maybe if you weren't such a selfish pig,

we could do business.

- I can't.

- I'm going.

- Wait.

- Why?

- Let's talk.

- About what?

- Things.

- What things?

- I don't know. Situation...

- I'm going.

- Wait.

- Why?

- Let's talk.

- About what?

- It.

- What's "it"?

- You know.

- I know what?

- What we're talking about.

- We're talking about nothing. I'm going.

- You mustn't.

- I must.

- Why?

- The reward.

- What reward?

- For turning you in.

- Wait.

- Why?

- We'll talk...

- About what?

About the diamonds,

the diamonds, the diamonds!

The diamonds.

And most of this stuff

was purchased...

for about 50,000 rubles, hmm?

Yes.

That means that today...

they'd probably be worth

between 150,000 and 200,000.

As much as that?

Not a kopeck less.

And maybe more.

I've got to find

those chairs.

[Cackles]

Tikon is back.

- Tikon, come here.

- Coming, master.

- Tikon...

- Coming. I'm coming.

Coming, master. I'm coming.

Coming. Coming. Coming.

Coming. Coming.

Coming. Coming.

I'm coming, master.

I'm coming.

I'm coming.

I'm coming, master.

I'm coming.

I'm coming, master.

- Tikon.

- You see? I'm here.

Tikon, the furniture.

What happened to the furniture?

- The furniture.

- Yes, the furniture.

- What happened to the furniture?

- The furniture?

What happened

to the furniture?

[Snoring]

Tikon. Tikon.

[Snoring Continues]

[Sighs]

Well, cross-examination

of the witness...

will have to be adjourned

until tomorrow morning.

Let's go to bed.

[Chorus Vocalizing]

Oh, thou who knowest all...

You know.

[Snoring]

[Rooster Crowing]

[Crowing Continues]

Tikon.

Tikon.

Master. Hmm.

- Oh, master, you're still...

- Shh.

[Vorobyaninov]

Where is the furniture?

- The furniture?

- Yes, Tikon.

Where is the furniture?

You mean upstairs

in the house?

[Vorobyaninov]

Yes.

Some of it is still there.

The velvet sofa is there.

It's a mess now.

And the andirons.

They kept the andirons.

Did they keep the chairs?

There was a dining room suite

with 12 chairs...

made by Hambs of London.

They were upholstered

in gold brocade.

Do you remember?

Twelve chairs. Walnut.

Covered in gold brocade.

Yes! Yes!

That's them! That's them!

They're gone.

[Growling]

- All but one.

- Where is it?

The pantry,

outside the kitchen.

Sits there.

A major. A beauty.

Good. Now what happened

to the other 11 chairs?

One morning, a big van came...

from the Bureau of Housing,

took everything.

- The Bureau of Housing?

- Shh.

Now, think, Tikon, what street is

the Bureau of Housing on?

Headache! Headache!

I have such a headache!

- What I drink last night.

- All right. Never mind. I'll find it.

What do you mean

you'll find it?

Look, I don't give a damn

who finds it.

All right.

It's time for action.

You will go upstairs and occupy

chair number one...

and I will lead the attack

at the Bureau of Housing.

- I'm off.

- Uh, wait.

- I'm off.

- Uh, wait.

What shall I tell them?

You will tell them that you are

Cousin Michael from Kiev...

and you will say that

all the Vorobyaninovs are dead...

and that you are willing to pay

hard rubles for something...

to remember them by.

[Sighs]

Cousin Michael from Kiev.

All the Vorobyaninovs are dead.

I am Cousin Michael from Kiev.

All the Vorobyaninovs are dead.

- Yes?

- I am Cousin Kiev from Vorobyaninov.

- All the Michaels are dead.

- What?

What can I do for you?

I am Cousin... Chair!

[Audio Sped Up, High-pitched]

Aaah! Give me that... I want that chair!

- Stop or I'll call the police!

- Police?

- Give it to me! Give it to me!

- No! No! No! No!

Aaah!

[Groaning]

[Both Yelling, High-pitched]

[Yelling Continues]

Father Fyodor.

[Panting]

How are ya?

[Chuckles Nervously]

Well, this is disgusting.

This is truly disgusting.

Not so fast! Not so fast!

- That's my chair.

- Ah.

It's the Holy Father.

Taking up a collection, are you?

- Here's a donation.

- [Groans]

Thank you.

[Both Yelling, High-pitched]

- [Groans]

- [Groans]

- Why are you after my chair?

- It's not yours.

- Then whose is it?

- It's nationalized property.

- It belongs to the workers.

- Did you say the workers?

- Yes. The workers.

- Maybe the Holy Father...

is a member

of the Communist Party.

- Maybe.

- But the party is for atheists.

How can a priest

join the party?

- [Blow Lands]

- [Groans]

The church must keep up

with the times.

[Grunts]

How did you find out

about the jewels?

People talk.

Why, you disgusting creature.

You used the sacred sacrament

of confession...

to further your own ends.!

- Not really.

- Well, you are just about...

the most

contemptible creature...

it has ever been

my misfortune to meet.

You're not worth

spitting on!

- Well, you are!

- [Groans]

Come back, you coward.!

You'd better keep away

from my chairs.!

Finders, keepers!

Hmm. It's just like

a detective story.

We have a mysterious rival.

Hey, uh, you'd better

get out of here.

You look rather conspicuous.

You're right.

You're right.

Oh, how I hate him.

Oh, God, how I hate him.

Go.

[Chattering]

[Chorus Vocalizing]

[Mumbling]

"Hambs."

"Drapes."

[Mumbling]

Here we are.

[Grunts]

[Groans]

Hello.

Ah.

Oh.

[Mumbling]

That's it.

[Stammering]

[Laughing]

- Can I help you?

- [Screams]

- Well?

- [Whimpering]

[Sobbing]

I didn't know

anybody was... here.

I came in and...

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