The Twelve Chairs Page #3

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l...

Persons seeking information are to wait

in the waiting area prescribed for them.

It is a criminal offense

for unauthorized citizens...

to tamper with official files.

Oh, yes. Yes, to be sure.

To be sure.

- Remove your hat.

- Oh.

All right. Now that you are in the proper area,

would you please state your business?

Chairs. Dining room...

walnut, made by Hambs...

belonging to a certain

lppolit Matveyevich Vorobyaninov.

- Tell me, comrade.

- Yes.

Why exactly are you seeking

this particular set of chairs?

It's, uh...

It's personal.

I'm sorry.

No information.

No information.

All right. All right.

I'll tell you everything.

I am Vorobyaninov's son.

His firstborn.

He was like a father to me.

So...

you are Vorobyaninov's son.

Yes, I am.

- How old are you?

- Forty-six. Forty-four.

- Which is it?

- Forty-two. I'm 42.

- According to our records, Vorobyaninov is 53.

- [Whimpers]

That means that when you were born,

your father was...

[Whistles]

Ah.

[Mutters]

[Grunts]

Ticktock.

- Are you trying to bribe a Soviet official?

- Oh, no, no, no. No, no, no.

I was hoping for the best.

Well, since you are

Vorobyaninov's only son...

I'll see what I can do.

Thank you.

Bless you.

Now, if you will just

excuse me.

I will be back

in one moment.

Oh, thank you.

Bless you.

Ah. Perfect.

One dozen Hambs chairs,

property of General Polyakov.

Ah.

Better make that 11.

Sent to a certain engineer

Bruns, Irkutsk...

[Chuckles]

Siberia.

- Here we are.

- Ah.

Here's your shipping order.

Ah. Oh. Ah.

- One moment, please.

- Excuse me.

- Procedure.

- Uh-huh.

I hope you find

your chairs. Ah.

[Muttering]

Eleven chairs.

That's it.

Thank you. Thank you.

[Laughing]

Thank you. Thank you.

Bless you. Bless you.

Bless you.

Bless you! Bless you!

[Chattering]

[No Audible Dialogue]

[Train Whistle Blows]

Moscow.

Moscow.

The chairs are in Moscow.

I can hardly believe it.

I mean, we're actually

going to see them.

[Chuckles]

My chairs are in a museum.

I never realized

they were so valuable.

If they only knew.

Moscow!

They're not here.

The chairs are not here.

Look. See that cabinet?

Empire.

And those writing tables.

Louis Quinze.

- We're on the wrong floor.

I know we're on the wrong floor.

- Take it easy.

- Take it easy.

- And what if they're not here at all?

How would we ever find them, hmm?

Where would we look?

Who would we ask?

They're lost, I tell you. Lost.

I never should have...

My chairs.

My chairs!

That's my furniture.!

I wonder which one it is.

Don't you worry about it.

We will know soon enough.

We will get the chairs

at closing time.

Closing time.

- Closing time. Closing time.

- [Bell Ringing]

Closing time.

Closing time.

Closing time.

What shall we do?

Wait until these people go by,

and then you follow me.

[Wood Rattling]

Here we are.

Get those Hambs

dining room chairs...

and put them on the cart.

Shh, shh, shh.

Don't make a sound.

Calm. Calm.

At all costs.

- [Thump]

- [Man] No.

No, no, no, no, no.

Don't take them all.

Leave four.

Four. We are only

taking seven.

Why are they only

taking seven?

We are only taking seven...

because four is enough...

to represent the period.

That's why.

Good. Good. Now...

take the chairs

to the freight entrance.

They will be collected

at 8:
00 a.m. tomorrow morning.

They will be collected

at 8:
00 a.m. tomorrow morning.

Good.

They're getting away.

They're getting away.

They're not getting away.

We know exactly

where they're going.

And if luck is with us,

we will never have to see those other chairs again.

- What do you mean?

- I mean, thickhead...

the jewels might

very well be hidden...

in one of these

four beauties.

[Metal Rattles]

- What are you doing?

- Maybe we missed something.

Does this look like

we missed anything?

The chairs.! The chairs.!

I know, I know.

Shut up.

"Columbus Repertory Theatre."

[Vorobyaninov]

Two...

four, six.

Six. Seven.

Where's seven?

[Vorobyaninov]

They're leaving.!

It's all right.

We know where they're going.

Our problem is

number seven.

Where is number seven?

Well, I must find out.

Yes, we must find out.

Not "we." I.

You sit here

and wait for me.

Sit.

Sit.

Stay.

[Whines]

[Whimpering]

[Man]

Irkutsk.! Irkutsk.!

Siberia.!

[Knocking]

[Huffing]

Whoo!

- Yes?

- I am looking for Engineer Bruns.

- I am Engineer Bruns.

- [Moans]

- What do you want?

- [Moaning]

[Muttering]

What is it?

What are you doing?

[Moaning, Chuckling]

- Olga!

- What's going on? What's going on?

Andrei, why is that man

kissing your knee?

- I don't know.

- Dear lady...

- Oh! Oh!

- On you I rest all my hopes.

- Ooh! Ow! Ooh!

- On the chair.

No, no, no. Don't...

I must grovel at your feet.

- Put him up on the chair.

- No, no, no, no.

Now, once and for all,

who are you and what do you want?

- I want to grovel at your feet.

I must grovel at your feet.

- No groveling.

There will be no groveling in this house.

This is a Soviet household.

- We don't allow groveling.

- What do you want?

l... Hmm.

These chairs.

I must have these chairs.

- He wants our chairs.

- Maybe he's a furniture dealer.

Are you a furniture dealer?

Is that it?

Not for personal gain.

I assure you, not for personal gain.

My motives are pure. Ohh.

They're the very best motives.

l... l... I think...

you're going to be

very impressed with my motives.

Yes.

- Well?

- Well what?

Your motives.

You didn't tell us your motives.

Oh, yes. My motives.

My motives.

Come on, brain.

Got it!

[Whimpering]

The chairs belonged to my wife

and her mother before her...

and now my wife is ill.

She's very ill.

She's dying, dying. Dead.

Dying. Uh, she keeps

calling for her chairs.

Oh, please.

You cannot deny me.

It's a dying woman's wish.

[Sobs]

Olga, what shall we do?

Shall we give him the chairs?

- Don't be ridiculous. Nobody's taking my chairs.

- You dirty...

I'm sorry.

I cannot let you have the chairs.

I didn't hear that.

I didn't hear that.

I didn't hear that.

I didn't hear that. I didn't hear that.

I don't want to hear that.

Don't you understand?

I don't want to hear that.

[Yells]

Ooh!

[Whimpering]

That's a hot...

My dear lady,

don't you understand?

I need those chairs!

- Andrei!

- Oh, please.

- Oh, please.

- Stop that! Andrei!

[Screams]

Out!

I want him out of this house

immediately!

Well, that's done it.

Wait. Wait.

Let's discuss this like adults!

[Yelps]

Don't judge a book

by its cover.

[Groans]

A memento.

A memento of my visit to your lovely home.

Ow! Ow!

Ow!

Ah!

Wait! Wait! I'll pay!

- 102?

- [Both Groaning]

[Man]

You down there.

If we don't sail in 10 minutes,

I'll miss the tide.

Wait, please.

A few more minutes.

One of my actors

is missing.

Wait.

[Man]

Where is Gronsky?

[Sobbing]

How the hell can I do the play

without Gronsky?

Sevitsky, how could you

let this happen?

It's your job to make sure

that the actors...

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