The Twelve Chairs Page #4

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are supposed to be

where they're supposed to be...

and not wandering around

drunk somewhere.

- Well...

- Shut up.

Talk, talk, talk,

talk, talk, talk.

That's all I hear

from you.

Oh, my goodness.

I look dreadful.

Why didn't you say something?

Time and tide

wait for no man.

I like that reading.

Maybe he could play the count.

Sevitsky, that vulgar man

in the wheelhouse...

it's only good

for one thing...

running ships...

and trying to browbeat

his superiors.

Well, if worse

comes to worse...

I shall play the count.

Worse shall never come

to that worse.

Excuse me.

I'm looking for the commissar producer

of the Columbus Theatre.

- That's me.

- Good, good. I'm in time.

And what do you want?

I've just come from Gronsky.

He told me to find you.

- Where is he?

- Moscow General Hospital.

- [Gasps]

- Yes, he was a little in his cups, you might say.

He tried to stop a streetcar.

He suffered two broken legs and minor contusions.

And, uh, who are you?

Well, I am from the Artists'Union,

theater division. I'm to accompany you.

I took the liberty of getting an immediate

replacement for Gronsky.

Fine actor. Made for the part.

With your permission, I will bring him

on board. One moment.

l...

Guess what.

From now on, you are an actor.

- [Traditional]

- [Chattering]

[Continues, Faint]

Sevitsky.

- Where are you going with that samovar?

- What samovar?

- That samovar.

- Oh, this samovar.

- Yes.

- Well, I was going to have it polished up...

for the show tonight.

Sevitsky, if I catch you trying to sell

another piece of company property...

Siberia!

I was going to have it polished.

I swear! I swear!

I hate people I don't like.

I feel something.

I knew it. I felt it.

I felt it in my bones.

Lucky seven.

Little lucky seven.

That is seven.

This is eight.

Lucky eight.

Lucky eight.

Well, seems much too small

for all that loot.

Open it, open it.

[Sighs]

Empty.

Empty.

Somebody must have

got to the jewels before us.

Oh, there were never

any jewels in this box.

It was put in

by the furniture maker.

"One set of 12 chairs...

"crafted for

I.M. Vorobyaninov...

by Christopher Hambs

of London."

[Sighs]

I really thought we had them.

I really thought we had them.

Next.

- What's going on here?

- Ah.

We are actors. We are members of

the Columbus Repertory Theatre.

As you can see, my dear sir,

some of our chairs were broken in transit.

We are repairing them.

Misha, hand me the leg.

- Misha.

- Hmm?

Oh.

If you're actors, you'd better get up to

the ship's theater. The show's starting.

Oh, yes, of course.

Of course.

Come along, Misha.

Come along. Come along.

[Ostap] "The workers are dissatisfied.

They intend to make a revolution.

Is there any truth

to this rumor?"

"An uprising of peasants and workers.

I have never heard anything so absurd."

Bender, the other

three chairs in the hold.

The other three chairs in the hold

depend upon you, my friend.

- Hmm?

- If you go out on that stage

and make a fool of yourself...

you will get us thrown off this ship

before you can say Nicholas and Alexandra.

It's only a play.

I have attended a theater

before, you know.

[Man]

Ah, Krakov.

It will be so marvelous to see

that stimulating Count Krakov again.

[Woman]

Oh, yes. I too have missed him.

- Where's Krakov?

- That must be Count Krakov now.

You're on.

- Ah, Count Krakov.

- [Applause]

[Audience Murmuring]

[Vorobyaninov]

Ostap. Take me with you.!

Not a chance.

Ostap...

[Panting]

You'll never catch up

with that boat.

I don't intend to. I'm going to take

the train and meet the boat at Yalta.

[Grunting]

Ostap! Ostap!

I'm not a strong swimmer!

I'm not a swimmer. Help!

Vorobyaninov.

Vorobyaninov.

Help. Help.

Help.

Thank you.

Thank you.

l...

Cold.

It's cold.

[Shivering]

- Here.

- [Grunts]

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're a good soul, Bender.

A good soul.

[Slurps]

Mmm! This borscht

is delicious, Olga.

I love it cold!

Why didn't you

ever make it cold?

How could I make it

cold in Irkutsk?

If we didn't eat hot things

we'd have died there.

Smell that air.

Smell that air!

Like wine.

I know. I know.

Every night I thank God

for your transfer to Yalta.

I don't think I could have

survived another winter there.

My dear.

My dearest dear.

[Fyodor]

What?

I didn't say anything.

104.

Olga?

[Chorus Vocalizing]

Good. Oh, good.

Good. Good.

[Grunting]

Oh, thank you. Thank you.

How very generous of you.

You really shouldn't

have done it.

Please, go now.

I never want

to see you again.

Oh, I must say good-bye

to Madam Bruns.

How can I leave without

saying good-bye to Madam Bruns?

[Screams]

No!

[Accordion]

The chairs.

I don't see the chairs.

- Yes?

- Uh, we're still thinking.

[Ostap]

Sevitsky. He looks pregnant.

Come on.

Let's not lose him.

We must see where

he delivers his child.

[Ostap]

Ah, it's a boy.

Comrade Sevitsky! You are under arrest

for selling property belonging to the state.

- Polished. I'm having it polished.

- [Laughing]

Oh, it's you...

Count Krakov.

Well, you've had

your little joke.

Now, if you don't mind,

I'll be on my way.

Wait a minute.

I would like to talk a little business.

- Business?

- Yes.

I'm interested in some chairs.

Three of them, to be exact.

They're in your present production

at the Columbus Theatre.

Oh, yes. Walnut.

Gold covers.

I'm afraid they're

already spoken for.

Listen, scum!

I want those chairs.

Do you hear me?

I want those chairs!

You don't understand.

It's quite impossible.

I promised them to a certain individual.

He's giving me 10 rubles apiece.

Sell him something else.

I want those chairs.

Don't worry. You won't

be out a kopeck.

You will get

your 30 rubles.

- Oh, my throat!

- When can you deliver the chairs?

- Tonight. After the performance.

- You'll bring them here?

Yes. I'll bring them here.

All right.

Now, Sevitsky,

please don't disappoint me.

Because if you do, I'm afraid

I'll have to break your neck.

- A threat to the wise, hmm?

- All right.

Midnight.

Here on this spot.

You bring the money,

I'll bring the chairs.

Bender, Bender, 30 rubles?

How do we raise 30 rubles?

[Seagulls Squawking]

Thank you.

Fine day for a picnic.

The others should be

along any minute.

Thank you.

Thank you and good-bye.

Good-bye.

Have a nice day.

Good-bye.

Get out of here!

[Moaning]

Ooh! Oh,

what beautiful wood.

[Moaning Continues]

What fine detail.

Beautiful workmanship.

Beautiful workmanship!

What a gorgeous chair!

Oh, it can't be.

[Muttering]

It can't be! It can't be!

[Panting]

It couldn't be!

It can't be! It can't...

It can't be!

[Groans]

I don't want to live.

I don't want to live!

I don't want to live!

[Grunting]

[Screaming]

I don't want to live! I don't want to live!

[Grunts, Groans]

Oh! Ow! Ow! Ow!

[Groaning Continues]

Thirty rubles!

Tsk, tsk, tsk.

Of course! Of course!

Dostoievsky.

- What?

- Never mind.

- Can you roll your eyes?

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