The Twelve Chairs Page #5

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- Roll my eyes?

Yes, roll your eyes.

- I don't know.

- Try it.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Born to do it.

Now, at a given signal...

Stop it.

At a given signal from me...

you will fall from this

bench onto the ground...

and pretend to have

an epileptic fit.

You will roll your eyes...

you will move

your arms and legs...

in short,

spastic jerks...

and generally writhe

around out of control.

I will call attention

to your pitiful state...

and the good-hearted citizens of Yalta

will shower you with coins.

What a disgusting idea.

What filthy taste!

There never was

and there never will be...

a Vorobyaninov who begs!

[Groans]

Parasite!

Parasite! Parasite!

Disgusting,

helpless, inept...

bloodsucking parasite!

Vorobyaninovs never beg!

I begged all my life!

[Whimpering]

Now listen, old man.

Pride is a luxury

that neither you nor I can afford...

at this time

in our lives.

We need 30 rubles

to make our dreams come true.

It's sink or swim.

I choose swim.

Now, to beg or not to beg?

That is the question.

I will give you five...

to decide yes or no.

On the count of five,

it is farewell.

- One...

- Yes. Yes, yes, yes.

Good.

Now, do your stuff.

Attention!

Ladies and gentlemen, attention!

A comrade, a citizen,

a fellow human being...

cries out for our attention!

Epilepsy, my friends!

Epilepsy.

The same disease that struck down

our own beloved Dostoievsky.

God knows what genius,

what great works of art may be trapped...

in the mind of this poor,

wretched soul.

Ah, this poor man.

This poor man.

[Whispers]

Roll your eyes!

Yes, give! Give...

so that this quivering,

shivering, helpless victim...

can receive desperately

needed medical attention.

Give! Give, please!

Open your hearts.

Give. Give. Give.

Thank you.

Please give.

[Crickets Chirping]

[Crickets Chirping]

Cigarette?

No, thank you.

Still angry, huh?

When this business is over...

I never want

to see you again.

Oh, you're here.

Good.

Yes.

Won't you come in?

Yes.

Sorry I'm late. I had to wait

till everybody left the theater.

It was opening night, and there was a party.

What can I tell you?

You can tell me why you only brought two chairs.

We made a deal for three.

- Well, yes, I tried, but...

- Where's the other chair?

Where is the other chair?

- [Gasping]

- Do you know what I went through

to raise money for those chairs?

- Shh. Come on. You're gonna ruin everything.

- [Growling]

What's the matter with you people?

Every time we meet, you go for my throat.

What happened

to the other chair?

There is a thief

in our company.

It's terrible.

He sold the chair to a Finnish aerialist

for 10 rubles.

A Finnish aerialist?

Yes. He works at the fair,

just outside of town.

- Can I have my 30 rubles now, please?

- Twenty!

- [Growling]

- Y-Y-Yes. Sorry. Twenty.

Twenty. Twenty. Twenty.

Shh. Shh. Shh.

- Again the throat.

- Here. Here's your money.

Twenty. Thank you.

Tell me, why are you

so interested in these chairs?

- Shut up.

- Oh. That's the reason.

Bye.

[Sighs]

Well, don't give up,

old friend.

Remember the famous

Russian proverb:

"The hungrier you get,

the tastier the meal."

On the other hand,

the French have a proverb:

Merde.!

Thy love will banish sorrow

Thy love shall cleanse

my grief

The sun

will shine tomorrow

My a-a-a-a-anguish

Will be brief

Oh, foolish man.

Foolish, foolish

man that I am.

I must not weep.

I must count my blessings.

My blessings.

[Laughing]

I don't want to live!

Ooh.

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

[Sighs]

Thy love shall banish sorrow

Thy love

shall cleanse my grief

[Carnival Band]

[Chattering]

- [Drumroll]

- The chair!

[Audience Gasps]

Come down, you thief!

Come down here

this instant!

That's my chair!

Do you hear me?

My chair!

[Audience Gasps]

Listen, you!

That's my chair!

Get down, you fool!

Get down! You'll kill us both!

I want that chair.

Give me that chair!

[Audience Gasps]

[Carnival Music Resumes]

[Chattering]

[Whimpering]

Oh, Lord.

Oh, Lord,

your lamb is lost.

Please help me.

Oh, please help me, Lord.

Thank you.

[Screams]

It's mine! Do you hear?

Mine! Mine! Mine!

Mine! Mine!

Very nice.

Very nice, indeed.

A partner in the firm...

running off with

the company's assets!

[Yelling]

So you wanna play horsey, huh?

Mine! Mine! Mine!

[Gasps]

[Both Grunting]

Father Fyodor!

- Need a hand, mon pre?

- Oh, come on, God!

[Panting, Whimpering]

[Laughing]

[Laughs]

The chairman of the board.

- Where is he?

- Yah, yah, yah.!

Yah, yah, yah!

Yah, yah, yah!

Ah, hate! Hate! Hate!

[Fyodor Chuckles]

God sees.

God sees all.

Why do you think

he gave me the strength...

to climb straight up a mountain wall

and deny the same to you?

There must be some reason.

Yah-dee-tah-tah!

Oh, God, how I hate him!

He mustn't get away!

He mustn't get away!

He mustn't get...

Mustn't get away. Mustn't get away.

Fear not,

my dear marshal.

He will not get away.

As a matter of fact,

he can't get away.

There's no way down. Come on.

I'll show you. Come on.

See? No way down.

[Chuckling]

There's no way down.

He can't get down.

He's trapped.

He's trapped.

You're trapped!

You're tra-a-a-apped!

Yah, yah, yah!

- Yah, yah, yah! Yah, yah, yah!

- [Laughing]

Yah, yah, yah, yah...

[Grunting]

Ah. It stopped raining.

It's very quiet.

What do you suppose he's doing?

Do you think

he found the jewels?

Shh, shh, shh.

In a moment...

the jury will bring in

a verdict.

Oh, Lord,

you're so strict! Oh!

Tsk.

Well, the last chair

is in Moscow.

[Fyodor Sobbing]

Only 3,000 miles away.

Come, my friend.

Let us take a stroll.

[Sobbing Continues]

Oh, Lord!

Oh, Lord,

if this is your pun...

[Gasping]

... ishment.

How did I get here?

[Panting]

There's no way down.

There's absolutely

no way down.

I'm gonna need a great deal

of help to get down.

[Panting Continues]

Boys! Oh, boys!

Yoo-hoo.! Vorobyaninov.!

I have always liked you.

You know that.

We come

from the same village.

For 25 years,

I have been your priest.

Oh, for Christ's sake,

get me down!

Get... me... down.!

[Echoes]

[Train Whistle Blowing]

- I'm hungry.

- Where did you lose the man with the chair?

Look around.

Does anything look familiar?

- [Brass Band:
"The International"]

- All right. Come on.

[Continues]

I now officially open...

the Moscow Railway Workers'...

Communal House of Recreation.

[Resumes]

[Continues]

[Applause]

May it serve to comfort...

those brave heroes

of Soviet transportation...

the railway workers

of the U.S.S.R.!

[Applause]

A free buffet lunch will

be served immediately.

[All Cheering]

[Excited Chattering]

[Man]

Come on.! Come on.! There's other people waiting.

[Shouting Continues]

Let's go!

What are you doing?

Go on!

[Shouting Continues]

I didn't get a roll.

I didn't get a roll!

[Shouting Continues]

Here.

Would you mind very much

if I took something from your plate?

I didn't get a chance

to get any food.

There was a greedy pig

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