The Ugly Truth: The Art of Laughter - A Making of Hilarious Proportions Page #2

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Huh. I thought, uh...

I thought in your profile

it said you, uh...

You like to drink red wine.

You printed out my profile?

Actually,

my associate producer did.

She doesn't like me

to not be prepared.

Not that I'm ever not prepared.

Kudos, by the way,

on your comprehensive

car insurance plan.

That wasn't in my profile.

No, but it's in your

background check.

So, ahem,

tell me about yourself.

Well, what's

left to talk about

that you don't already know,

right?

Ah. Good point.

Ha-ha.

All right,

well, you know,

I actually took the liberty

of printing out

some talking points

in case this happened.

I take it this

has happened before?

No. No. But you have

nine out of 10

of the necessary attributes

on my checklist.

Oh, dear God. Okay.

Oh, this is a good one.

Let's start with three, okay?

[]

[CAT MEOWS]

Don't ask.

[PURRING]

[SIGHS]

More on this story

when we come back.

We'll hear from a zoo official

now forced to take...

[MAN]:
And we're back with

The Ugly Truth,

where tonight

we're gonna be talking about

what it is men and women

really want in relationships.

I've been looking through

some books.

Smart Women,

Foolish Choices. Ehh!

Men Who Love Women

Who Hate Them. Ehh!

And Women Hating Men

Who Loved Women

Who Hate Loving Men. Huh?

Billions and billions wasted

on psychobabble bullshit.

Now, listen up, ladies, because

I'm only gonna say this once

and it is just

three little words.

[CHUCKLES]

Men are simple.

We cannot be trained.

All this

"Men are from Venus" crap

is a waste of your time

and money.

You wanna be a lonely hag,

then that's fine,

keep reading

these stupid books.

But you want a relationship,

then here's how you get one:

It's called a Stairmaster.

Get on it, and get skinny,

and get some trashy lingerie

while you're at it,

because at the end of the day,

all we're interested

in is looks.

And no one falls in love

with your personality

at first sight.

We fall in love

with your tits and your ass,

and we stick around because

of what you're willing

to do with them.

So you wanna win a man over,

you don't need 10 steps,

you need one,

and it's called a blowj*b.

And don't forget to...

[SCOFFS]

Okay? Now, let's

take the first caller.

[WOMAN]:

How dare you burn those books.

They've helped my personal life

more than I can say.

What's your boyfriend's name,

princess?

[WOMAN]:
Well,

I'm not seeing anyone right now.

My point exactly, Shrek.

Next caller.

You're on the air.

So you're saying that men

are incapable of love?

Oh, did I burst your little

harlequin romance bubble?

What? Come on.

The only thing you burst

is your credibility.

Men are completely capable

of experiencing love.

Okay, I'll bite.

Go on. Who's the guy?

- What?

- The guy. Mr. Wonderful.

The one who's

so capable of love.

Who is he? What's he like?

He's smart, he's handsome

but he doesn't know it.

He's successful, but in a job

that means something.

[SNORING]

He loves red wine, picnics,

classical music.

Mm, this is a guy

in America, right?

I mean, you're not calling

from Europe or something?

He loves dogs,

but he's more of a cat person.

He never gets up before you

on a Sunday morning.

Wait a second, I get it.

You're a lesbian.

- What?

- Well, you must be.

I mean, you just described

the perfect woman.

Why are you so threatened

by these qualities?

Is it perhaps because you don't

possess a single one of them

and that is the real reason

why women aren't

interested in you? Hm?

Okay. Okay, I'll give you

to go get this guy

and bring him down here

and let me meet him.

Well, he's out there,

somewhere.

Wait a second.

You're not even

dating this guy?

No, I'm describing a type.

I thought that's

what we were doing.

Ha-ha-ha! What?

You don't even know him?

Oh, whoa, okay,

now I get the picture.

Hold on. Oh, you're a dog.

What?

Well, you must be.

Come on, you heard me.

I mean, if you were...

If you were hot,

you would be out

breaking some poor

schmuck's heart

instead of spending

all your time fantasizing

about Mr. Wonderful.

Face it, you're ugly.

I am not ugly.

Well, okay,

let me help you out here.

You might as well face the fact

that you're gonna be alone,

and stop pining away

for some fantasy guy

you're never gonna get.

- How can you possibly...?

- Hey, Lassie.

The show's called

The Ugly Truth.

If you can't face it,

don't call.

That about

wraps it up for this evening.

I'm Mike Chadway reminding you

that the truth is never pretty.

JOY:

How'd the date go?

Well, I was very pleased

with the choice of restaurant.

- That is so awesome.

- Why?

[STUART]:

Good morning, everyone.

[ALL]:

Morning.

Now, before I play you this,

I should warn you,

this guy's a little rough

around the edges.

Face it, you're ugly.

[ABBY]:

I am not ugly.

- [MIKE]:
Well...

- Why are we watching this?

Say hello to

our new guest commentator.

I'm starting him off at

two segments a week,

three minutes a pop.

- Are you kidding me?

- Who the hell is this guy?

- Name's Mike Chadway.

- [ABBY]:
He's an uber-moron

misogynist who represents

everything that is wrong

with television and society.

I get crap every time

I suggest we do something

even remotely fluffy.

Oh, come on.

He's got a point of view.

We don't have to like it.

I mean, we're newspeople.

We're objective.

Stone Phillips interviews

terrorists.

Doesn't mean he likes them,

he does it for the ratings.

I have a whole list of ideas

to improve ratings.

You're gonna like it.

We don't need him.

- We don't need him.

- Not at all.

"An intimate profile

of the mayor".

- Yes.

- [GEORGIA]:
I like that.

- I like the mayor.

- Fantastic.

The mayor?

Yes. It can be edgy

and yet intriguing.

Unless you can get him to bang

three crack whores

and a German shepherd

on live TV,

no one's gonna give a sh*t.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I was eavesdropping

out in the hall.

[LAUGHING]

What did I tell you?

Isn't this guy great?

Oh, thanks, boss.

You already hired him?

Who's this

delightful creature?

I'm your producer.

Oh. Hey.

I like a woman on top.

[GEORGIA]:

Ugh. God.

- Nice office.

- Ha-ha! He's just kidding.

- Oh, yeah.

- Excuse me.

- Hey, Mike, you see your office?

- No, I didn't.

- Come on. Let me show you.

- Beautiful.

Everybody take five.

I'll be right back.

Were you all not there

last year...

for our

sexual-harassment meeting?

- Yes. Were you not there, Larry?

- He needs to go.

He wasn't

sexually harassing me.

I am an award-winning

news producer.

I am an award-winning

news producer.

I am an award-winning

news producer.

I am an awa...

You're an award-winning

news producer.

You don't knock?

Well, I did knock.

You didn't answer.

So essentially,

your knock was negated

by your complete

lack of adherence

to the social etiquette

that follows a knock.

[CHUCKLES]

You're wound like a f***ing top.

Woof, woof.

Remember the bark?

Last night, a little

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