The Ugly Truth: The Art of Laughter - A Making of Hilarious Proportions Page #3

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phone conversation we had.

Yeah. Hey, what do you know?

You're not ugly at all.

Oh, well,

imagine my relief.

I want to thank you

for getting me this gig.

I would never have gotten it

without you.

You and I, we make good TV.

You make imbecilic trash

watched by housebound

inbreds who are so busy

with their hands

down their pants,

they can't change the remote.

I hadn't been picturing you

that way, but it's a nice image.

I do not watch

your program.

My cat stepped

on the remote.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Oh, you want to thank

your p*ssy for me, then?

Ugh!

Larry, Georgia, listen to me.

I want you to skewer him.

I want Mike Chadway

to go down in flames.

I want Mike Chadway to be

nothing but a pile of ash

on the seat next to you.

I want the janitor to come in

and vacuum up the ashes

of Mike Chadway

with his Dustbuster

and when he dumps it

in the Dumpster outside,

I want the rats to vomit

and defecate

on the ashes of Mike Chadway.

Wow. And I thought

you were angry and bitter.

Uh, no, Larry, that would be

my untouched vagina.

- [MAN]:
Chadway?

- What?

Twenty seconds to air.

[WOMAN]:

About ready? Larry?

There's a bird

in my dressing room.

[MAN]:

I'll take care of it.

- A real bird?

- Yeah. It's flying around.

Why is there a bird

in his dressing room?

I don't know

what type of bird it is.

Security here is awful.

You guys have really got

to keep the doors closed.

[MAN]:

Four, three...

[MUSIC PLAYS OVER SPEAKERS]

Good morning, everyone,

I'm Larry Freeman.

Another beautiful day

in Sacramento.

And I'm sitting here

with a beautiful woman.

- [CLIFF]:
Go, 1.

- [STUART]:
All right, here we go.

[GEORGIA LAUGHS]

[GEORGIA]:

Thank you, Larry.

Hi. I'm Georgia Bordeney.

[CLIFF]:

Ready for the single on Georgia.

For years,

there have been concerns

about lowering

television standards.

But many believe that this man

and his local

public-access show

have brought things

to a new low.

With that,

we welcome Mike Chadway.

How you doing, guys?

Mike, how do you respond

to people

who say your show is offensive?

Well, it is.

But then again, so is the truth.

Ha. The truth about what,

Mr. Chadway?

What relationships

are really like.

Take marriage, for instance.

It's about social pressure,

status and sex.

If it weren't for these

three things,

men and women

wouldn't even speak.

Oh, dear. Sounds to me

like no one's ever loved you,

and you're taking that out

on the female population.

[BOTH LAUGHING]

Good one.

It's like Crossfire.

That was a good one.

While we're making

these observations, Georgia,

you two project this image

of the perfect couple,

when clearly it's a lie.

[]

Excuse me?

Holy sh*t.

Oh. Break for commercial.

No, no, no.

Stuart said keep rolling

no matter what.

What? When? This is my show.

BOTH:

Not right now, it isn't.

Come on, Larry.

I watched your show for years.

You used to be this cool,

confident cat.

What the hell

happened to you?

And you, Georgia. I mean,

this one's no dumb bunny.

She knew the only way she was

getting off the weekend shift

was by hooking up

with you.

Then, lo and behold, she became

more popular than you did.

Ended up with twice

your salary.

Come on, Larry, take him down.

[JOY]:

Shh!

Hold on, pal. I am very proud

of my wife's success.

[MIKE]:
Mm, baloney, you are.

You hate her success.

You feel emasculated by her.

And that screws with your head.

Which, in turn,

screws with your manhood.

[GEORGIA]:

What's your point, Mr. Chadway?

- Yes, Georgia, take control.

- [MIKE]:
My point, Georgia...

My point is

that your husband

hasn't had

sex with you in...

I'm gonna say,

what, three months?

- Chadway, that is not my fault.

- I know.

- I mean, come on.

- I know, I know. It's her fault.

Why is it my fault?

What am I supposed to do?

Say no to the money

so he can get an erection?

She said "erection"

on network TV.

The other networks do it.

No big deal.

- They're talking about erections.

- Be quiet!

They say "erection"

on Sesame Street.

- I agree.

- Thank you.

You've economically

emasculated your husband

to such a point

that he's afraid to want you.

- Ugh.

- I mean, sure,

you could dump his ass, but,

honey,

have you seen the eligible men

in Sacramento? Oh, God.

It's slim pickings for a woman

in her 40s, I can tell you.

Forties?

Oh, God.

[CLIFF]:
Hold that shot

with Georgia and Mike.

He just talked about her age.

- She's gonna kill me.

- Well.

Forty?

I mean, you ain't gonna do

any better than Larry.

- You just have to let him be a man.

- Hm?

- Let him be a man, Georgia.

- I let him be a man.

You have to let me be a man.

I have tried to let you

be a man.

- Let him be a man.

- You have to let me be a man.

Simple as that. Now, you,

Frowny McFlaccid, come on.

Oh, God.

[CLIFF]:
Ready for a three-shot.

Zoom In.

- I'm not frowny.

- Yes, you are.

Move in here and give

this beautiful woman a kiss.

[GEORGIA]:

Oh, God.

This is ridiculous.

McFlaccid?

- That mean what I think it means?

- [MIKE]:
Yes, it does. Kiss her.

No, no, no.

They're not gonna...

Give it to her,

right in front of me.

- And in front of them.

- Let me...

Goddamn it, Georgia,

let me be a man!

- No!

- Oh! Zoom in on that, 2. Zoom in.

America doesn't wanna see this!

And that, my friends,

is the ugly truth.

Get ready to roll to break.

Ready to roll...

Oh, you are a man.

He is a man. Break.

Cut to commercial!

Cut to commercial!

That was great!

Wasn't that great?

I told you

that guy was great.

Good job,

everybody. Wow!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[JOY]:

Abby?

Found her.

over 300 e-mails, 53 percent

of them were women.

This guy's

a lightning rod.

They liked him?

Liked him?

They loved him.

- How is that possible?

- [STUART]:
I don't know.

But I am

scaling back the news

and giving it

to The Ugly Truth.

Stuart, I really think

this is a mistake.

What do we even

know about this guy?

Who is he, really?

Moved here when he was 10,

pitched two consecutive

Little League Championships.

Cute.

Voted "Most Likely

to Get Slapped"

in his senior yearbook.

Three years at San Jos State.

Salesman of the Year at

Dobson Medical Supplies in '04.

Once arrested for urinating

out of a moving vehicle.

That is actually

incredibly challenging.

Tell me about it.

Never been married,

hates asparagus.

Look, let's just keep a smile

on this guy's face,

and we'll both get

our contracts renewed.

Congratulations?

[]

[BIKE BELL RINGS]

[SIGHS]

[BEEPS]

[WOMAN 1 ON RECORDING]:

Mike. Hi, it's Lauren.

I'm having a party on Saturday

and you know what happens

when I drink tequila.

Ha-ha-ha.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

[WOMAN 2]:
It's me, Nikki.

Why haven't you called me? I miss you.

- I can't stop...

- [BOY]:
Hey.

thinking about your huge...

[MACHINE BEEPS]

Who's that?

Rubbing all over my...

[MACHINE BEEPS]

- Dripping wet...

- How was...?

How was school?

- Well, you totally hosed me.

- What?

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