The Ugly Truth: The Art of Laughter - A Making of Hilarious Proportions Page #4

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Last week on your show,

you said,

"Always be mean to hot girls

because they'll want you more".

Well, I tried it on Shauna.

She cried,

and then I got detention.

First of all, don't listen

to what I say on my show.

Second of all, you're supposed

to do that to 25-year-old girls

who think they're hot and

can get any guy they want,

not 14-year-old girls.

They're going through puberty.

They got enough problems.

Mom said when she was 14,

she was the prettiest girl

in class.

Well, I was there when

she was 14,

and let me tell you something.

She lied.

Don't listen to your Uncle Mike.

He was blind from touching

himself inappropriately.

Ha. That's a nice thing

to tell your son.

Like he hasn't heard worse

on your show.

Let's hope you can clean it up

now that you're on a network.

Congrats.

[]

[GLASS SHATTERS]

Oh!

D'Artagnan, no, you didn't!

No, D'Artagnan, you get

back here. Get back here.

No, do not... No, no, no.

[SIGHS]

[D'ARTAGNAN MEOWS]

[ABBY]:

D'Artagnan.

D'Artagnan!

Sh*t!

All right.

I'll just come up.

I'm really not that flexible,

D'Artagnan. I'm coming.

I got you, hold on.

Hold on. Come here, baby.

No, no. No, no. Come on.

Come here, D'Artagnan.

Good boy.

Oh, good boy. Okay.

Okay. You're gonna be okay.

Oh. I hope we can get down.

[]

Oh, my.

[MEOWS]

Oh, my.

My, my.

Ooh.

He flosses.

[BRANCH CRACKS]

[SCREAMING]

Oh, my God!

Oh, my God.

Somebody help me!

Somebody help me!

I'm stuck in a tree!

Help me! Anybody!

- I'm stuck in a tree! I'm stuck!

- Stay, stay calm.

- You're gonna be fine.

- Get me down! Get me down!

Sorry. Oh, my God.

So you just moved in.

That's great.

I'm Abby, by the way.

Your neighbor

from across the way.

So you're a doctor? Wow.

An orthopedic surgeon.

Yeah, I do a lotta

leg and hip stuff,

but I do get

the occasional foot.

[GIGGLES]

Your ankle seems to be fine.

Just a mild sprain,

so this should help.

Great. Thank you.

I guess I'm pretty lucky

my cat chose the tree

outside your window to climb.

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I'm here

whenever you need me.

Look, I'm gonna put

my home number

on the back

of my business card.

If your ankle starts giving you

any problems,

just give me a call.

- Great. Thanks.

- [D'ARTAGNAN MEOWS]

[PURRING]

Oh, wow, that's so weird.

He doesn't usually like men.

Well, you know,

dogs are great, but, uh...

I'm a cat person.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah.

Well, I guess

I'll get going, then.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah. Ha-ha.

[ABBY SIGHS]

- Thanks again for saving my life.

- Anytime.

- Okay. Bye.

- Okay. Bye.

[MEOWS]

- You forgot your cat.

- Right.

I had a spider on me. Ugh.

- Yeah.

- It's gone now, though. Good.

- All right, okay.

- Bye.

- Thanks again.

- Good night.

You are not gonna believe

how perfect he is.

- Symmetrical?

- Oh, you have no idea.

- Oh, good Lord.

- Yeah.

Well, how did you leave it?

I mean, did he ask

for your number?

No, but he gave me his.

So what do I do?

Should I call him?

If I call do call him,

what should I say?

- Okay. Take a breath.

- Uh-huh.

And please, sweetheart,

- No tap water.

- No tap water.

Don't bring it up.

You've got naughty eyes.

- Anyone ever tell you that?

- I have naughty everything.

Hold that thought.

[MIKE]:
No, hey,

you won't get in trouble.

Down a bit. Down a bit.

Okay.

Bye, Karen.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Keep it clean, moving,

stick to the script.

You are on a live

affiliate news program.

You do not have the luxury

of using the words

"blow" and "job"

in the same sentence.

If you say anything

scatological,

you will be fired.

- Oh, really?

- Yes.

Because I kind of thought

that you were the one

that was gonna get fired

if you don't keep me happy.

Yes. I've got a list of demands

that I would like to make

after the show,

and let me just warn you,

they're gonna be

scatological.

Ow. Ah.

You know, just because

you look pretty today,

I won't mention the misguided

phallic rage you just displayed.

When you hear my voice,

just do what I say.

Heh-heh.

Promise you'll talk dirty?

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

[LARRY]:
Good morning,

Sacramento. I'm Larry Freeman.

[GEORGIA]:

And I'm Georgia Bordeney.

[MIKE]:

And I'm Mike Chadway.

And this is The Ugly Truth.

Where we'll be taking

a few minutes every day

to talk about men, women

and relationships.

Let's start with men.

Men are simple.

To illustrate my point,

here we have

a classic romantic setting.

We have, uh, candlelight,

champagne, and even

your own personal violinist.

Now,

over here, we have something

quite different.

[MAN]:
This isn't on my list.

Ha-ha-ha! Follow me.

[MAN]:

Is the segment over?

Where the hell's he going?

- Follow him. Follow him.

- Go with him, Remote.

Go with him, Remote 1.

Hey.

Babes wrestling in Jell-O.

- Oh, Jell-O. That's great.

- Hello? Abby?

There's people calling

- and freaking out.

- Oh, Jesus.

- Sit down!

- Turn the monitor up.

Let's take a quick survey

and see which option

the men out there would pick.

We have classical music

and candle-lit dinner,

or semi-naked chicks wrestling

in strawberry-flavored goo.

Aah!

[LAUGHING]

[CROWD CHEERING]

Oh, sh*t.

All right.

If we're gonna do this,

we might as well milk it.

Two, get ready to go wide.

One, tight on his hand.

Lick the Jell-O off her finger.

[OVER HEADSET]

Lick the Jell-O off her finger.

Just do it.

[CROWD CHEERING AND HOOTING]

I was wrong. It's cherry.

Back to you in the studio,

Georgia. Bye.

[MIKE LAUGHING]

Uh...

Coming up,

we're gonna visit the aquarium

and see how

Penny the Porpoise is doing.

Can she

clear that 10-foot pole

with a ball on her nose?

When we come back.

When we come back.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]

Chemistry.

I smell threesome.

Ah.

Great job, ladies.

I can still taste you.

You know what I mean.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Huh?

Do you realize that

I once had the Archbishop

Desmond Tutu on this show?

Who's that?

I can't even demonstrate

how far I've fallen

because you're not smart enough

to get the references.

Hey, wait, wait, wait. I thought

we were a great team back there.

You were the one that

told me to lick the Jell-O.

Do you understand

how much I hate myself for that?

It was cheap titillation.

I am now going

to broadcasting hell

right behind the naked

weather girl from Canada.

Seriously?

There's a

naked weather girl?

Hey, can we get her?

You have to do it

for the ratings, Abby.

Think of my son.

My son, who had a dream

of being a cosmetician.

Think about him.

Think about Joy.

Just do it for me.

Today it'll be partly sunny

with a cloud cover moving in

from my left breast.

Low pressure systems

are moving up,

so expect a cold front.

[GIGGLES]

[GASPS]

[MAN ON TV]:
Watch Mike Chadway

on Sacramento A.M.,

giving us The Ugly Truth

each and every day

at 9:
00, right here

on Channel 2.

Oh, God.

I used

to really like caviar,

until I found out it was

made out of fish eggs.

- Did you know that?

- Caviar's revolting.

- I almost started to gag.

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