The Ugly Truth: The Art of Laughter - A Making of Hilarious Proportions Page #5

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- Morning, ladies.

- John.

- Yesterday's ratings.

Oh. Thanks, John.

Guess I should be happy

about this, right?

Uh, yeah. Yeah. You've never

gotten a 12-share before.

I feel dirty.

Did you hear about

the ratings?

Yes,

I am the producer.

Well, then did you hear that

corporate's coming next week

to take me out to dinner?

Oh. Well, let's hope you can

chew with your mouth closed.

[CHUCKLES]

Why do you hate my guts?

Your innards are of

no consequence to me.

It's what you represent.

- Oh, you hate the truth.

- Ha.

Your skewed perception

of male-female interaction

is not the truth.

But your imaginary

boyfriend's the truth?

For your information,

I happened to meet him.

Mm. Well, I hope

he's real this time,

because otherwise

this is just sad.

Oh, he's real.

He's very real.

Not to mention stunningly

handsome, morally sound.

He's a surgeon.

An orthopedic surgeon.

- You know what that means.

- What?

Had to stick his finger up

some guy's butt

in medical school.

You disgust me.

So did Butt Boy ask you out?

Not yet.

We're taking things slow,

getting to know

each other first.

Why am I

talking to you about this?

In other words,

he didn't actually ask you out.

What are you doing?

[LINE RINGING]

[WOMAN ON PHONE]:

Doctor's office.

Hi. This is Abby Richter

calling for Dr. Anderson.

Please hold.

Yes, I'll hold.

- What're you doing?

- Shh!

- Why are you calling this guy?

- Shh.

- Shh.

- No.

- [COLIN]:
Dr. Anderson.

- Hi, Colin. This is Abby.

Your neighbor

from last night.

Hey. Everything okay?

How's the, uh,

ankle treating you?

Couldn't be better.

I was just calling

to let you know

how much I enjoyed

meeting you last night.

Thanks.

Uh,

and I was thinking we should

go out for dinner sometime.

Oh.

There is a new

French bistro in town

and an art opening

that got amazing reviews.

[MOUTHING WORDS]

So I was thinking

we could go on Friday.

Um, Friday.

Oh. Wow.

Would Saturday be better?

Actually,

Abby, the thing is,

I haven't really settled in yet.

What the hell

are you doing?

I'm saving you.

He was blowing you off.

He wasn't blowing me off!

Don't. Okay, he'll be

expecting you to call him.

And when you don't,

he'll call back.

How do you know?

Because I know how men operate.

If you want it to

work out with this guy,

then you'll listen to me,

and you'll do exactly as I say.

You've probably already done

irreparable damage

with your psycho-aggressive

control-freak phone call.

It might even be too late.

And if you do salvage

the situation,

you'll never be more than Abby,

his desperate neighbor.

I'm not desperate.

Why? Did you think

I sounded desperate?

Listen to you.

Desperately asking me

if you sound desperate.

[SIGHS]

[PHONE RINGING]

- Ah! Oh!

- Okay.

Although you won't admit it,

you know that I know

what I'm talking about.

It's your call, dude.

Fine. What do I do?

Pick up and say, "Hey, Doug".

- Why would I...?

- Just do it.

Hey, Doug.

Uh, no.

This is Colin.

Oh, my God!

I'm so sorry.

[WHISPERS]

That's perfect.

Uh, who's,

uh, Doug?

[WHISPERS]

Who's Doug?

He's just a guy I'm seeing.

It's nothing serious.

Just a guy I'm seeing.

It's nothing serious.

Oh, okay.

- Hang on a second.

- Hang on a second.

Sure.

Now what?

Now just make him wait.

If he's still holding

after 30 more seconds,

you may

actually have a chance.

No one's gonna wait

for somebody

they're trying to blow off.

You better

be right about this.

Just give me a little time,

I'm gonna make this guy

your b*tch.

I don't want a b*tch.

Colin would never be a b*tch.

He is a well-rounded man

capable of mature emotions

and deep, abiding love.

Things which

you know not of.

Maybe not.

But I do know about lust,

seduction and manipulation.

Things that you know not of.

Abby, I'll make you a deal.

If you do exactly as I say,

and you get this guy,

then you'll quit giving me sh*t

and you'll work with me.

You know as well as I do that

we could make this show huge.

And if it doesn't work?

What do I get?

Then I'll quit.

You're really

that confident?

It's been more than 30 seconds.

All right, deal. Now what?

Always make an impression.

Let's get a move on.

We have work to do.

But what about the...?

In five seconds,

he'll call. Come on.

What are you,

Nostradamus?

[PHONE RINGING]

Amazing.

[LAUGHS]

Rule number one:

never criticize.

Even if it's constructive?

Never.

Men are incapable of growth,

change or progress.

For men, self-improvement

ends at toilet training.

- Huh.

- Mm.

And rule number two:

laugh at whatever he says.

What if what he says

isn't funny?

That's irrelevant.

A fake laugh is like

a fake orgasm.

A fake orgasm is good?

No, but a fake orgasm

is better than no orgasm at all.

A fake orgasm is no orgasm.

Only to you.

You're not the only person

in the room, you know.

Let's not be selfish.

[LAUGHS]

Now, that was perfect.

Real or fake?

You'll never know.

My face to the sky

Dreaming about just how high

Rule number three:

men are very visual.

We have to change your look.

What's wrong with my look?

Abby, you're a very

attractive woman,

but you are completely

inaccessible.

You're all about

comfort and efficiency.

What's wrong with comfort

and efficiency?

Well, nothing,

except no one wants to f*** it.

Hello. May I be of assistance?

Yes, you may.

We need cocktail dresses,

tight jeans and some bras

that'll make my friend's breasts

sit up and say hello.

They're not saying hello now?

What are they saying?

Actually, they're giving off

more of a passing nod

rather than

an outright greeting.

You know what?

Why don't you try this on?

I think this would be wonderful.

Ha-ha!

Now, that is a bra.

Mm-hm.

Boobies in this thing say,

"Put me in your mouth,

I taste good".

I'm actually wearing one

right now as we speak.

[MIKE]:

Length is very important.

We need short enough

to see some thigh,

but not so short to see vag.

Mm. Vag says

you're trying too hard.

You think?

Jeans are all about

the curvature of the ass.

You've... Well,

you've got the raw materials.

Now all you need is

the proper presentation.

Did you just tell me

I have a nice ass?

Do you always have

to be so crass?

[SLAPS]

Oh!

Rule number four:

never talk about your problems

because men don't

really listen or care.

- Some men care.

- No, some men pretend to care.

When we ask you how you're

doing, it's just guy code for:

"Let me stick

my dick in your ass".

Ugh!

Oh, I know you think

Colin is above it all,

but trust me, he's a guy.

If he's even remotely into you,

he's probably thought about

each one of your orifices

at least 10 times.

I love how you assume all men

are as perverse as you are.

Oh, I don't assume.

I know.

Wait. We need to make

one more stop.

Why? I have tons of stuff.

Nah, we have to make

your hair longer.

Men like something to grab onto

other than your ass.

My hair is fine. There's

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