The Unquenchable Thirst for Beau Nerjoose

1

In the beginning, there was some

dark stuff and some light stuff.

So God, or whatever, scrapped up

a bunch of the dark stuff

and shaped a great

dildo from it.

Wait. I'm getting

ahead of myself.

So, the space nuns were

running through the forest.

It is The Unquenchable

Thirst for Beau Nerjoose!

Hello, nuns.

I know you're in there.

Give me your dear Hope

or I will be forced

to destroy you.

Destroy us?

You couldn't destroy your dick

with both hands and a map, bud!

What?

Why would I destroy my dick?

I don't need two hands...

Oh!

Yeah!

Fine!

Have it your way.

Go get the one we

came for, boys.

What's your damage

you f***ing psycho?

Hope has done nothing to you.

She's more than just a puzzle

piece in your sick quest!

Do not worry.

Hope will be safe with me.

I swear to you. I will

rip your goddamn dick

off, and I will eat it

I don't even want to do

that, but I will do it!

I will eat your dick!

I will eat your dick.

I will eat your dick.

I will eat your dick.

I will eat your dick!

Oh, ha, ha, ha, oh

Charming as ever,

Sister Dicktwister.

However, your words

mean nothing to me so

f*** off and die.

Well... just die...

mostly.

Light 'em up.

Ha, ha, ha!

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

(Dickwipe)

Wieners, Butthole,

Buttholes, Wieners,

Boobies, P*ssy...

Shut the f*** up, Ron!

God, I'm trying to concentrate.

Gaa! You just sit there,

night after night,

doing nothing, k?

absolutely nothing.

Nothing? Gee-dangit, Tracey.

I spend time with you.

That's what lovers do.

They hang out.

No

And do stuff together,

in love and stuff.

That's what losers do. I know

'cause I'm looking at one.

But Tracey, you know I love you.

You mean everything to me.

Do I?

Yeah, you totally do.

Ah, man.

Ah, I gotta sh*t.

Well f*** you,

Ron! Real romantic!

Tracey. Generic toilet paper?

My butthole is

way too sensitive.

Maybe if you weren't a

giant f***ing loser, I'd be

able to buy you something

other than generic toilet

paper I'm sorry you

don't have a f***ing job!

F***!

I'm sorry. I've been

busy dealing with the

20-year anniversary of

my mother going crazy

and getting sent to the looney

bin. I haven't had enough time.

It's been 20 years already.

Get the f*** over it, Ron!

Maybe you're right.

But that doesn't change

the fact that I can't wipe

with generic toilet paper.

My butthole is

way too sensitive.

That is it!

God, you're always my butthole

this and my butthole that.

Well, did you ever stop and

think about my butthole's wants?

OK, My butthole has needs too.

Like a weekly rim

job, you f***ing tool!

F*** you! This marriage is over!

But Tracey!

Got sensitive butt, believe me.

and maybe she was

right to leave me home.

with nothing but my butt.

She left me sad and lonely,

and now it's me and only my

incredibly sensitive butt.

Someday I'll make

the perfect poo,

and wish it was inside of you,

but now it's me and

just my own poop alone.

Till then I'll wish upon a star

and wonder where

the f*** you are

but will not care

because you are

such a b*tch.

Somewhere outside my butthole

I can make it my way.

Somewhere outside my butthole

a light as bright as the day

Someday I'll make

the perfect poo.

Hey, Man.

Life ain't all about

ass and titties.

Um, yeah I know that.

It's just...

sometimes...

life just hurts.

I hear ya, brother.

The secret to life is to smoke

pot every day. Twenty-four

seven, three sixty-five.

It'll get you in to places.

Say, uh, can you help out an

aspiring street musci-magician?

I gotta take a mean poop.

Um, yeah, I have

this toilet paper.

Man, I can't use this.

I got a sensitive butthole.

Me too.

Hey man, I gotta

take a poop real bad.

Yeah man. Me too.

Me too.

Hello, Ron.

Oh, hey Zach.

How's it going?

Not so good. I'm still

pretty bummed about my mom,

and Tracey just left me.

What? That b*tch.

Don't let it get you

down. It'll work out.

Just wait like 90 minutes.

Are you here to get

some hand lotion?

Nah, I just use spit.

I just... I don't know

what I'm doing Zach.

I gotta get my sh*t together.

Hey, are you guys hiring?

Yes, actually. However,

there is one problem.

All new employees

must pass a drug test.

Why would that be a problem?

Well, for one thing you're

smoking a joint right now.

Good point.

And if I'm not mistaken,

aren't you scraping the

mucus off an Amazonian toad

for ingestion purposes, no?

Yeah, maybe you're right.

Ron, don't give up so easily.

I know a guy. A guy

who can get you things.

Things like 100% pure

unfiltered baby urine.

Why would you filter it?

Have you ever smelled

a baby's dick, Ron?

It's not pleasant.

And this stuff is so

clean, you can drink it.

I gotta go.

I gotta take a sh*t.

You go, Ron.

Fly, fly!

Oh, Ah, Oh!

Ah, it's crowning!

I can feel the

shark fin forming!

AAAAAHHHH!

Oh boy!

How'm I gonna wipe my butt?

Ew!! Ah!!

But, don't you need it?

We can share.

No, it's ok.

You can keep it.

Thanks, man!

Bring, ring!

Ring, ring!

Sorry, I got a phone call.

Yes, he's here.

Who may I say is calling?

It's for you.

It's the universe.

Don't get your boogers on it!

Don't get your boogers on it!

What?

Say, you wanna come back to

my house, and maybe butt-chug

some toilet wine with me?

It's like my pappy used to say,

"If you don't like the

taste, put it in your butt."

Uhhm. No thanks.

Maybe next time?

My name is Beau Nerjoose,

and I'm evil as f***!

My name is Beau Nerjoose,

and I'm evil as f***!

I am Beau Nerjoose.

I am Beau Nerjoose.

He is Beau Nerjoose.

He is Beau Nerjoose.

I am Beau Nerjoose.

I am Beau Nerjoose.

He is Beau Nerjoose.

He is Beau Nerjoose.

I am Beau Nerjoose.

I am Beau Nerjoose.

Beau!

Nerjoose!

My name is

Beau!

Nerjoose!

Pants!

Ronny, is that you?

Hey mom. How's it going?

I love you

I love you too, Ronny.

The laser avocado left a rotten

you still wanna make

a jelly-bean pyramid.

Also, there's gonna

be a pirate-riot in my

ringer-jam boobie land.

Oh, that's good mom. Or bad.

Or interesting or whatever.

I'm sorry I'm so goddamn crazy.

I blame Beau Nerjoose.

Look, mom. I know you were

a prostitute, and that's ok.

Lots of moms are prostitutes,

but when you use words like

bonerjuice, it just puts

these weird images in my head.

Sorry, but Beau Nerjoose, he

messed with my titties and

made me sh*t out my sanity!

That's just gross.

Ooo, Ronny. Your pants...

Are you crazy too?

No, I just found these.

Where are your pants?

Well, I farted and a

little poop came out.

You did?

Ooo, describe it to me, Ronny.

You and your useless

nose. I love it.

I'll always love the smell

of your farts, Ronny.

At least the way you

describe them to me.

And that was, "No, F***

You Dad," by Everclear.

Hey Ronny, What do

you want to do today?

I don't know. Hey

Mom, Guess what.

Ha, ha! Hilarious!

Describe the smell to me, Ronny.

It smells like someone

pooped puke out of an armpit.

Ha, Ha, Ha, damn Ronny.

That's a good one.

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