The Ups and Downs of a Handyman

(engine revving)

(phone ringing)

(moans)

- Blast, who the hell can that be?

Hang on.

God, where is the bloody--

(moans)

Hello!

- Oh!

You don't have to shout at me,

I'm not deaf.

Is my daughter there, may I

have a word with her, please?

What's the matter, are you there, Bob?

Bob, what's the matter with you?

Aren't you up yet?

You shouldn't be in bed doing

nothing, you should be

doing something productive.

(Bob giggles)

You're breathing very

heavily, have you got a cold?

Hope you're not giving it

to Margaretta.

May I speak to her, please?

- Bloody marvelous, we've

only been married 24 hours

and already she wants an on-the-spot

report of our sex life.

Charming.

Here, she wants you anyway.

- Hello, Mummy.

- Hello, darling, is everything all right?

Bob sounded so strange.

You know what it is, he smokes too much.

You must try to get him to give it up.

And tell him to take more

exercise, he sounded terrible.

- Oh, don't be silly, Mummy,

Bob's as strong as a bull

and he's getting plenty of exercise.

- Good, I'm very glad

to hear it, keep him at it,

and don't let him slack.

- Oh, he won't, not for awhile, anyway.

What did you want, Mummy?

- Well, are you coming?

- Pardon?

- Are you coming shopping,

I want to buy you that wedding present.

- Oh, well I, I don't (gasping),

because I can't, um, mum.

- Margaretta, for goodness sake,

it sounds as though you've got it, too.

What do you mean you can't?

Are you telling me that he won't let you?

Are you under him already?

- Mmm, I mean, no, no, but, no, Mummy,

yes, Mummy, I'm, please.

- Oh, good, cause I've got

some wonderful news for you.

And Bob, which I'll tell

you when you come around.

- Oh no, come on,

Mummy, tell me, what is it?

- Tell her you'll call her back.

- Well, you remember Aunt

Emily who died last month?

- Of course, I do.

- She's left you her cottage.

- Oh, that's wonderful.

- Just think, you'll

beable to live rent-free,

no mortgage or anything.

- Oh, it's too much.

- Well, I hope you realize

how lucky you are

to be getting all that for nothing.

No wonder you're sounding so excited.

Still, so should I if I

were getting it, too.

- Oh, you'd love to be having it

(gasps).

- Well, I'll tell you what.

- I'd better be going because

I'm coming, I'm com,

no, I'm sorry, I'll see you at the shop.

Oh, thank you, Mother.

- Mother?

(folksy guitar music)

(cows mooing)

- Hi, have any luck?

- Oh, well there's no bloody

industry at all around here.

All the decent jobs are miles away,

but got no car for that.

- Well, I've been thinking, I mean,

look at what you've done to this cottage,

you're so clever at doing

that kind of thing.

Why don't you go down to

the village and offer some of those

rich people your services?

I'm sure they'll want

some odd jobs doing.

- Well how do you

propose I go about that?

Go around knocking on people's doors

with a hammer and a bag of nails?

- (laughs) Advertise.

- Advertise as what?

- As a handyman, silly.

- Oh, yeah, I suppose I could, couldn't I?

Take me on for awhile

I'll soon be makin' you smile

What's with all of you people

Won't you give it a try

I'm sayin' that I've been around

People keep puttin' me down

But I've got nothing to lose, now

I'm still workin' the town

The ups and downs of a handyman

Livin' my life the best I can

Up and down all over town

I can make you smile I can make you frown

Oh, don't you know

There's just one way to go

Oh, don't you know

You know you want to go

Wouldn't you like to be me

Look me over and see

Look at all of your faces

Cryin' with jealousy

I can make you feel good

Or I can make you feel bad

But there ain't no good in tryin'

Giving back what I've had

The ups and downs of a handyman

Livin' my life the best I can

Up and down all over town

I can make you smile I can make you frown

Oh, don't you know

There's just one way to go

Oh, don't you know

You know you want to go

Wouldn't you like to be me

Look me over and see

Look at all of your faces

Cryin' with jealousy

I can make you feel good

I can make you feel bad

But there ain't no good in tryin'

Giving back what I've had

The ups and downs of a handyman

Livin' my life the best I can

Up and down all over town

I can make you smile I can make you frown

The ups and downs of a handyman

Livin' my life the best I can

Up and down all over town

I can make you smile

I can make you frown

(bells ring)

- Oh, good morning, love.

- Morning.

- Can you stick these in the

windows for us, please?

- Yes, sir.

- [Bob] Cheers.

- Oh, how interesting, a handyman.

Are you any good?

- Well, my wife thinks so, yeah.

- I'll bet she does,

10 pence please, sir.

- Oh, right.

Oh, hate these pockets.

All right, there we go.

- [Clerk] Thank you.

- [Bob] Well, hope that does

the trick and I get

some interesting jobs, eh?

- Yes, I hope so, too.

- See ya.

- See ya, don't work too hard,

yet, anyway.

(gasp)

- Sorry, love.

- Don't worry, quite enjoyed it.

(light romantic music)

- Good morning, madam.

- Good morning, um I wonder if I could

place this card in your window.

- Why, certainly, madam.

Thank you, oh, I see

you're a teacher, then.

A very attractive one,

too, if I may say so.

- Ooh (laughing),

you may, thank you.

- Oxford, Harrow,

lot of experience, then.

Are you a blue?

- Well, I could be, if

required I suppose, yeah.

- (laughs) Yes, yes, well,

that'll be 10 pence, please.

- Oh, good, well, I hope

it's worth the expense.

I like my pupils well advanced.

- Of course.

Yes, I'll, excuse me,

I'll just put this in the window for you.

- Goodbye.

- [Clerk] Goodbye, miss.

- [Lady] Goodbye, again.

- Goodbye, miss.

- I've run out of cigarettes.

(bell rings)

(chatter and laughter)

(bell rings)

(bell rings)

- Your cigar, thank you, sir.

(bell rings)

(buffoonish music)

(clown horn honks)

- Oh, that smells good.

- Mmm, well, I've got to build you up.

- I can't think why.

- Oh, don't be silly, darling,

something will turn up.

- I'm sorry, love, just

I'm feeling a bit fed up.

I mean, we've been here a month now

and nothing seems to

be going right, nothing.

- Oh, I know, darling, but

look it's not every couple

that's got a lovely cottage

left them by an aunt.

You'll see, soemthing'll turn up.

Perhaps your card'll do some good.

- Yeah, perhaps.

Another day is just beginning

And you're on the move again

Don't you think you should be happy

If you're sure about your friends

Oh, oh

You know you want to go

And put yourself on show

Oh, oh

But don't you be a fool

You gotta play it cool

Don't you know they might

just let you down

Now I guess you're feeling sorry

'Bout the things you just can't mend

I know it's hard but don't you worry

You're gonna make it

in the end Oh, oh

Get out and start again

Get out and meet your friends

Oh, oh Then you're gonna see

How things are gonna be

Don't you waste your time now bein' slow

Another day is here again

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