The Ups and Downs of a Handyman Page #2

You're on your way to make amends

Don't hang around or it's the end

Of love and happiness

And things

- Oh, good morning, Mrs. Wayne?

- Course not, silly, come in.

- Oh, thanks.

- Sit down.

- Oh, thanks.

- Um, Mrs. Wayne is in the bath.

That's why we sent for you.

Drink?

- Yeah.

- Scotch?

- Very nice, thank you.

- Well, you see, every

time she empties the bath,

water somehow gurgles, splatters,

and comes back through the overflow.

We can go and have a look

at it when she's ready.

Here's your drink.

- Thanks a lot.

You're the girl from the news

agent's aren't you?

- Mmm, Daddy owns the shop.

- Oh, I see.

- Do you know he does amateur

photography as well.

- Mmm.

- [Clerk] I pose for him.

- Do you?

- Well, not nude, I mean I

couldn't do that, could I?

- What?

- Pose nude.

- Oh, no, no, I suppose not.

- Well, not with Daddy, anyway.

I hope you're going to be good.

- Sorry?

- Well, I recommended you

to Mrs. Wayne

who's in the bath upstairs.

- Oh, that's very kind of you.

But um, how do you know

I'll be any good?

- Instinct, experience.

- You've had a lot

of handymen then have you?

- I beg your pardon?

- I mean, you have a lot of

handymen advertising

in your shop window?

- No, you're the first.

Well she must be ready now.

Have you got your drink with you?

- No, love, I left it down there.

- Well, don't worry, I'll get

you a stronger one later.

Got the right tool with you?

- Yeah, everything here.

- Now, when we get to the

bathroom, you pull it out?

- What?

- [Clerk] The plug,

then let's see what happens.

- Oh, good morning!

Mrs. Wayne, I presume?

(swinging music)

(buffoonish music)

Ah, Jesus.

- Having trouble, sir?

- It's these bikes, you see, officer.

Well they're really difficult to steer

until you've got up to speed

and my pedal power seems to have left me.

- Well you shouldn't have been

in charge of the vehicle then

in your state.

- No, no, I'm allright, officer, really.

It's just I've had a bath,

I mean repaired a bath

plug, tap!

I mean, what happened you see, in there,

when you empty the bath, the sink fills,

when you empty the sink,

it doesn't. - Oh, it doesn't?

Obviously a case of a complete breakdown.

- Well that's what I thought, see, well,

when I went my plunger

in, it didn't happen,

because they grabbed me plunger,

and well, sort of--

- I was referring to you sir, not the bath.

- Uh, I've had it, officer.

- It looks as though you have.

I suggest you go home and do a complete

plumbing job on yourself.

- [Bob] What?

- Dry yourself out, sir.

So that's our new handyman

(chortles)

Heaven help us.

- Maggie!

Maggie?

Now, where the hell are you?

- [Maggie] I'm upstairs.

- Where?

- [Maggie] In the bath.

- Oh, God.

- What on Earth happened to you?

- Yeah, well, the less said

about that the better, eh?

- Well, what happened to your

clothes, they're soaking wet.

- Come on, take them off and

jump in the bath with me.

- No, no, I can't, I must

get down to Elgin farm.

- Oh, come on, it's very sexy,

what can be better

than two people naked

in a bath together?

- Three?

- [Maggie] What?

- Three jobs to do today and

I'm getting nowhere.

- Oh, come on, I really

feel in the mood, please?

- No, I can't, I really can't.

- Fred, it's half-day closing,

I'm trying to get away,

why do you always come in

here when I'm closed?

- Well, I can't be

seen looking at these,

these books for obscenity

with the public present,

now can I?

- Now, that's what you always

say, now come on Fred,

you won't find any obscenity here.

- [Fred] Mmm, pity.

- [Arthur] Hmm?

- I'm just doing

my duty, Arthur,

protecting the citizens

from moral decline.

Look at that brazen hussy.

Oh, that's a flasher

if I ever saw one.

Disgraceful.

Thank goodness we haven't anybody

like her in the village.

- Yes, yes, all right Fred, that's fine,

now come on, come on,

out, out, out.

Fred, the book please unless

you're keeping it for evidence.

- Oh, I don't want this filth.

- How would you like me?

- (laughs) Well,

I thought I'd like to take

a nice art study.

- Oh, all right.

- I'll get ready.

(manic comical music)

There you are, Arthur,

now you fix the lights.

- The lights, yes, fix the

lights, uh, oh yes.

Ohh!

(manic comical music)

- Now what?

How's that?

- Perhaps another button?

- Oh, Arthur, you are a naughty man.

(both laugh)

- And, uh, perhaps a little leg?

- How's that?

- Well, now, I wonder, do you think we,

could we be a little more daring?

- How do you mean?

- Could you take your skirt off?

- All right, but you turn your back first.

- All right.

- You may turn around now.

Is this all right?

- It's wonderful.

- Well, when are you going

to take a photo?

- I've got to get everything right.

There's an art in taking

a good photograph.

Oh, oh.

- Well, I'm sure you know best.

- That's right my dear.

- Are you ready now?

Well, what do you think?

- Uh, I'm not sure.

- Well, suppose I took my blouse off.

- Yes, yes, I think that would work.

- Think you're ready now?

- I'll have a look.

- Well, Arthur?

- I'm still not happy.

- Well, what do you think

I should do?

- What do you think?

- Well, perhaps I should

take everything off.

- That would help,

yes, yes, that would be it.

- All right.

(manic comical music)

- That's it, that's it.

I'm ready, I'm ready!

- Hang on, Arthur.

You need this to flash with.

(flash blows up)

(cows mooing)

- Hello.

Are you looking for something?

- Uh, yeah, Elgin farm, love?

I've been chasin' around

all over the place,

but there are no sign

posts or anything.

- Well, I think you've, uh,

found what you're looking for,

haven't you?

Or haven't you?

- I beg your pardon?

- Elgin Farm, that's what

you're looking for, isn't it?

- Uh, yeah, that's right,

I'm a bit late already.

- Hmm, you must be the new handyman.

- That's right, yeah.

- I bet Mummy can't wait to meet you.

- Come on, I'll show you.

- No, no, hang on there.

Don't you think you'd

better get dressed first?

- What's the matter, don't

you like me the way I am?

- Oh, yeah, yeah, nice.

But, uh, well, uh, it's just

I don't think you're mother

would like me turning up with

you dressed like that, do you?

- Mmm, maybe you're right, she

is a bit of an old dragon.

- Hang on, don't I need my tools?

- Your tools, I suppose you

can't do anything

without them, can you?

- Oh.

- Right, here you are,

then, this is the barn

that mummy wants cleaned out.

- Oh, fine, I'll get started then.

Oh, I see, have you got anything

I can shift all this hay with?

- Of course, the pitchfork.

- Oh, right.

- Have you always been a handyman then?

- Oh, no, love, uh, I was in

the navy for a bit, actually.

- In the navy, gosh, a sailor.

I'm going to London

soon to become a dancer.

I'm going to have my own

act, and will drive men wild

and meet film stars and beautiful people.

- Oh, very nice for ya.

- You don't believe me, do you?

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