The Ups and Downs of a Handyman Page #3

Well I'll show you that I can.

So you want to be a rich girl

Livin' like a lady bird

With riches like the Queen of Sheba

Or maybe the Queen of the Nile

There's a long hard way to go now

So you'd better start thinkin' fast

Oh, oh

Oh, oh

- Sorry Fred.

Oh, you're looking worried,

too, is there something wrong?

- There may be, on the other

hand, there may not be.

- Well, I'm just on my way

to try and stop it.

There's plenty of it about, you know.

- It's breaking out everywhere.

Any stopping to be done,

I'll stop it.

- Yeah, but you know

what starts it off.

- Can't put my finger on it,

Charlie, but I don't trust him.

- I can't think why, he's

never let me down before.

And all the cows really enjoy him.

- Well, he's proving himself

some handyman.

- Perhaps we should give him

a really strong injection.

I do know that we must keep him warm

and he must be well-attended to.

- He's well-attended to,

I just saw Polly drag him to the barn.

- Oh, well, if she looks after

him well, I don't mind.

Anyway, I can't just hang

around here all day,

I've got some seeds to sow.

- Well, as long as you're the

only one with that in mind.

- So long, Fred.

- Just a minute, Charlie,

Charlie, Charlie!

Oh!

- Oh, sorry, Fred.

Oh, by the way,

will you tell the missus,

if he's no good this afternoon

I'll have him put down

and I'll get her a new short

horn tomorrow.

So long. (Fred groans)

- It's no use pretending to work,

I know I'm turning you on.

Oh but listen to what I'm sayin'

And don't you let yourself go down

Oh, oh

Oh, oh now

You say you want to

be Queen of the screen

And go pretty far

And drive a big car

- Look, look, I'm sorry,

you mustn't think this is

anything to do with me.

I mean, it was her and I,

I mean, no, no, not me.

That is, she was and I wasn't, see?

(buffoonish music)

(gasps in pain)

(pounding on door)

- I'm sorry about that,

is Mrs. Elgin around?

- No, nor Polly, they're in the

barn helping the handyman.

- I thought he was supposed

to be helping them.

I think I'll go and investigate.

(manic music)

(women giggling)

(Fred groans)

(lumber crashing)

- Get out of the way, I can't stop!

Oh, blimey, officer, I'm sorry, honest?

Here, up you get.

Brush your jacket down there

- Get off, maniac.

I'll have you,

dangerous driving, bad brakes,

faulty steering, hah,

and no seat belts.

- [Bob] But, officer--

- You should be locked up.

Handyman, I've never seen

you do anything handy yet.

I must warn you that

anything you say further--

- Oh no, Officer,

you've got it all wrong.

- Well, that's interesting.

- Uh, yes, see, we thought we

heard a tramp in the barn,

we searched for him, oh,

so sorry about this dress.

- Oh, reveal all, I mean,

tell me everything.

- Oh, well, then we thought

we heard a noise outside,

and this brave man came

out to investigate.

- Brave man?

- Officer, would you be a gentleman

and lend me your jacket,

and escort me back to the farmhouse?

[Fred] Of course, Madam.

I'm getting rather cold.

- [Fred] We must cover your

exposed br, eh, your bare,

you're bristol, uh, let's

put my coat around you,

let's get you home.

(sighs)

(yawns)

- How was it, love?

- Oh, pretty rough.

- Oh, you're not used to it,

that's your trouble.

Still, never mind, I've

brought you some nice chops.

Why don't we have an early night?

You eat that,

gotta keep your strength up,

and I'll just go up and have a bath.

Do you like it, darling?

Darling?

Darling?

(sighs) Darling.

- Hello everybody.

- [Voiceover] Hello.

- Oh, this is nice.

- Cocktail or your usual?

- Oh the usual, thank you.

Very relaxing, that's what I need,

rather a lot of relaxation at the moment.

Life's very frustrating.

Seem keeping fine though, thank you.

Mmm, I see you have a new maid.

- Yes, the squire found her actually.

She was up for some

minor offense or other.

So he sentenced her

to a good spanking,

put her in my custody for good behavior,

and said he never wanted to

see her up before him again.

She's given pretty good

service ever since.

- By the way, I hear you, uh,

exhausted our new handyman

the other day, Mary.

- Not me, it's when he

went over to the farm

when the trouble started, wasn't it, Jenny?

- Oh, I don't know about that.

But I hear you've booked

him now, Prudence.

- Anyone for another drink?

(phone ringing)

- [Bob] Oh, let it ring.

- [Maggie] Oh, we can't, darling.

Might be another job,

can't let people down.

Hello?

- [Voiceover]

Is that the handyman?

Could he call 'round this morning,

because I've got some odd

jobs that I'd like him to do?

- OK, I'll tell him, he'll

be up as soon as he can.

- [Voiceover] Thank you.

- [Maggie] Bye-bye.

- Who's that, hmm?

- It was the squire's wife,

she wants you to do a job.

I'll go make you some breakfast.

- Well,

can't be much harm in a squire's wife.

I hope.

- Bop, bop, bop, mmm, mmm, mmm.

So, what have you got

planned today, my dear?

- Oh, I've got the handyman

coming 'round to have a look

and do a few jobs.

- Well, don't let him keep

you gossiping all day long.

You know what old Gasper's like.

- Of course not, my dear.

- Yes, well, thank you, my dear,

oh, so sorry, my dear.

I'm always doing that.

Well, must go do a bit more hunting,

thank you so much my dear.

- [Prudence] Good luck.

- Bye (chuckles).

Oh.

(chuckles and hums)

(bouncy music)

(horses neigh)

(horn blaring)

(wheels squeaking)

(humming)

(door bell rings)

- Oh, good morning, Mrs. Bullsworthy?

- Yes, that's right, do come in.

- Oh, thanks very much.

This way is it?

- Go straight through.

(thundering hooves

and neighing horses)

(dogs barking)

You're new around here aren't you?

- Yeah, that's right,

we've just moved in

to that little cottage down

past the farm.

- Oh, I know, my husband rides

past your place.

- Oh, really?

- He says your wife could

do with a good spanking.

- What?

- Oh yes, my husband loves

spanking girls' bottoms.

- Does he?

- [Prudence] Especially

when he's out hunting.

- [Bob]

What, for girls' bottoms?

- No, foxes.

- [Bob] Oh.

- Mind you, he caught one

on the last hunt

hiding there right in the bushes.

- What, a fox?

- No, a girl, silly.

- Oh, I see.

- Well didn't she complain?

- Yes, she doesn't approve

of blood sports at all.

- No, no, I mean about the spanking.

- Oh, no, goes on the hunt every week now,

hides and waits for him to find her.

He's even got the dogs trained.

- Well, don't you complain?

- Only when he stops.

- [Bob] I see, you mean, he

has a go at you as well?

- Course he does, look I'll show you.

- [Bob] Oh, very nasty.

- Would you like a drink by the way?

- Yeah, yeah, why not.

- Well, come with me.

- You know, I'm gonna have trouble

with that new fellow who moved

into Mrs. Willit's cottage.

Can't even ride a bike properly.

A three-wheeled one at that.

Bloody dangerous he is.

- Oh, what makes you say that, dear?

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