The Ups and Downs of a Handyman Page #4

- He practically ran me down

this morning.

Bashed into a barn and

ripped the clothes off

poor Mrs. Elgin.

- He did what?

- And he knocked on the squire's door,

bothering the squire's wife

before she even had time to get dressed.

- Oh, don't be silly, dear,

I'm sure he wasn't bothering her.

Most likely, she has

something she wants doing.

- Well, he wants should bedoing

something with that bike.

A lethal weapon, that's what it is.

He'll run into some

window with that one day,

that's for sure.

Parks it anywhere, he does.

Next time I catch him

I'll slap a ticket on it.

Obstructing an entrance,no

loading or unloading,

I'll get him.

- Don't be silly, dear, I'm

sure she's working him.

Very hard.

(laughing)

- Hello?

Yes, OK, I'll tell him.

Bye.

(phone rings)

Hello?

Uh, yes, OK.

(phone rings) Hello?

Here's some more calls for you, darling.

(phone ringing)

Hello, who?

OK, fine, all right.

Bye.

(singing opera)

(knock on door)

- Come in, it's open.

Maisie, Maisie dear

When you're very near

All my feelings get confused

Maisie can't you see

What you do to me

I can't get away from you

Such a smile What a smile

Oh it turns me on

Such a girl What a girl

The life is just a great big bowl of fun

Maisie, you're too much

Oh no, don't you touch

- Bloody hell, round the bloody bend.

- (gasps) Thank goodness!

You must be the handyman,

I need you desperately.

- You gotta be joking.

- I'm not, I've needed

you since last night.

- Last night?

- Yeah, that's when it happened.

Oh God, I hope he's all right.

- What happened, all right?

You're mad, you're all mad.

- What's wrong with you?

- What's wrong with me?

Well that's rich, that is.

Well what's wrong with you?

What's wrong with all of you?

You're maniacs,

the lot of you, but you,

blimey, you're not even

subtle about it.

- About what,

what are you talkin' about?

- The women around here, that's what.

- I don't understand you.

- Oh no?

Then, why'd you

ask me up here, then?

- Oh, I see, oh look, let's start

all over again, shall we?

You are the new handyman, aren't you?

- Yeah.

- Good, well, can you mend

the bed for me?

- Oh.

I'm sorry, I really am, honest.

- Oh, it's all right, forget it.

Mind you, you had me

worried for a minute.

- (laughs) Well that

makes two of us, love.

- What's the problem?

- No, no, my mistake,

I was out of order,

as you say, forget it, eh?

- I think you need a

stiff drink, don't you?

- Well, I wouldn't say

no to a large scotch.

- One large scotch coming up.

- Smashing.

Blimey, this has had a right old hammering.

New legs on this side for starters.

- Glasses up.

- Oh, cheers (shouts).

(thundering crash)

- It's just not your day, is it?

(buffoonish music)

- I'm in uniform, dear.

Steady, cheerio, dear.

(folksy music)

(horn honks)

- Morning, mum.

- Half a gallon of your best, please.

- Half a gallon, won't

get very far on that.

- Wanna bet?

(folksy music)

- Oh, morning.

- Oh, how lucky.

You're the new handyman?

- Yeah.

- My car seems to have broken down.

- Well, I'm not very well up on cars.

- Please look at it for me,

I'm sure you maybe able to help.

- Oh, well, to tell you the truth, love,

motors really aren't in my line.

- I'm sure cars are just like women.

They need a man's

touch to get them going

- Oh, right.

Uh, is this the bonnet lever, love?

- No, see, it's the gear lever.

It opens there.

- Outstanding.

- Perhaps they require

some sort of adjustment.

- Yeah, yeah, perhaps.

Uh, listen, why don't I shoot

off down to the local garage,

maybe they can send someone up, eh?

- No, no, don't do that,

I'm sure we'll be able

to manage something between us.

Have a look underneath.

- Look, honest,

you've got the wrong man,

I really don't know what I'm doing.

- Never mind, have ago,

just for me, please.

- All right.

(buffoonish music)

Eh, looks all right to me.

Bit dirty, maybe.

But then, I don't know what

I'm looking for anyway,

and if I did, I wouldn't know

what to do if I found it.

- What, what did you say?

You found something?

- I said, oh blimey, it's

a bit dark down here,

I can't see much.

- Oh, excuse me.

- Fan belt.

- What?

- Fan belt, battery,

let's check battery.

- There you are, you see,

you are clever.

- Where is it?

- In the back.

- Maybe you're a bit flat.

- I hope not, I have it regularly serviced

and a good going over once a month.

- Yeah, well, you certainly

topped up all right.

What about the leads, where are the leads?

- There they are.

(both grunt)

What took you so long?

(laughs)

(buffoonish music)

(energetic music)

Mmm, I feel as though I'm floating on air.

Your hands are nice and soft,

I bet you use hand cream.

- No, it's the grease from the car.

- What, stop it, stop it.

- I don't understand, it was you--

- Not you, the car.

Do something, steer it.

(buffoonish music)

Steer it.

- I can't, the steering wheel's

the other end.

- Oh God, do something.

- Hang on, I'll turn on the hand brake.

Sh*t, where is it?

- See on the side, useless,

you call yourself a mechanic,

pull it, break.

- What, listen now, I

told you that I didn't

know anything about--.

- [Woman] Break.

No, the other side.

Break.

- I can't.

- That's the gear lever.

- What's that?

Huh, ho.

(sighs)

What a mess.

- Oh no.

- [Bob] Oh, yeah.

- No.

- [Bob] Yeah.

- No, it's the law.

- [Bob] What law?

- The police, you fool.

- Oh, morning Officer.

We seem to have had

a bit of an accident.

- I'm not surprised,

the position you're in.

Would you care to leave the

car before you have another?

And the lady, too.

Maniac, bloody dangerous.

You should be locked up.

And you will be once I'm finished with you.

For years, I hope.

Driving without due care and attention,

and exceeding the

speed limit in reverse.

- But Officer, I can explain.

- Damaging police property, and now,

threatening an officer

with an offensive weapon.

- Come off it, this is a gear lever,

it came off in me hand.

- Oh, faulty gear lever.

Has this car been M-O-T'd sir?

- Well, I don't know,

this lady was having

trouble getting started--

- I saw how you got her started.

- Now, listen, Constable,

I've had enough.

- I can see that, madam.

- Now look here, we were in the car--

- Committing an obsceneact

in a public place.

Attempting to drive a car

from the rear seat.

Right, sir, right, madam?

I must warn you that anything you say

will be taken down and may be

used in evidence against you.

Now, sir, madam, have you anything to say?

- Yes, your fly's open.

- My fly's open.

(horn honking)

(church bells ringing)

- Well, hello, what kept you?

- Sorry, madam, I've

um, just had a breakdown.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I hope it

wasn't anything too serious.

I've got a lot for you to do.

- Oh no, I'm fine.

- Good, well, this is

going to be a surprise.

My husband doesn't know

anything about this.

- Really?

- Mmm, it's just a secret

between you and me.

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