The Ups and Downs of a Handyman Page #5

- I see.

- Mmm, well, better come in then.

- Right.

Oh.

- Well,

here it is.

- What exactly do you want me

to do then?

- I want you to put it up.

- You what?

- The paint, I want you to

paint the ceiling.

- Oh, I see.

All right then, I'd better start then.

- I usually put it on the window sill.

- I beg your pardon?

- [Woman] The plank.

Move the ladder closer

and put the other end

on the window sill.

- Oh, if you say so.

- Well, it's the way my husband does it,

but he can't put anything up.

So, uh, I needed an expert.

Someone who knows what he's doing.

- Very sensible.

Well, as my old man used to

say, if a job's worth doin'.

- Yes?

- It's worth doing well, right?

- I quite agree.

- The wife thinks I'm

quite good at it, anyway.

- Oh well, she should know.

- Quite true, you should have

seen us over at our place.

We had to strip off everything

before we could start.

- Isn't that usual?

- Yeah, but I had a

terrible job getting it up.

- Oh, surely not, a big man like you?

- Well the wife helped of course.

- She sounds as if

she knows what she's doing.

- What do you fancy then?

- What do you suggest?

- Uh,

psychedelic?

- Oh, yes, that sounds interesting.

- Well, I think I got

enough here to do it with.

- Oh, I'm sure you have.

- Could you find something

I can stir the paint with?

- Oh, yes, I can see something.

- Where?

- Do you want me to get it for you?

- Yeah, if you

wouldn't mind, and then

I can get the paint up the ladder, OK?

- Well, I hope it'll be long enough.

- What's that?

- The thing, to stir the paint with.

- Oh, don't worry about

that I'll find something.

- Oh, no, no, give me time,

I'm still looking.

- You found it yet, then?

- Any minute now.

Oh, I think I found it.

- No!

Oh, God, I'm so sorry about that.

(mumbles)

This just isn't my day today,

I'm really sorry, honest.

- I suppose now you'll drag

me naked across the ceiling.

(cows mooing)

(knocks on door)

- Ah, hello, Mr. Wessex.

- Call me Gasper,

most other folks do.

- Well, we haven't been here long.

- I know that.

- Well Gasper, you see,

it's like this, my husband

he's gone into the handyman business,

and to be quite frank with you,

it seems to be far more

than he can handle.

- I've been handyman here, man and boy,

never been more than I can manage.

- I don't know about that, but Bob,

he comes home exhausted every night.

- Well what do you want me

to do, ma'am?

- Well, I thought perhaps

you could come to

some sort of arrangement,

you know, split the jobs.

- All right, it suits me, Missy.

- I'll just go and get

a list of his calls.

- Well these foreign buggers,

I don't understand how they do it.

I've been handyman in this

village, man and boy,

never tired me out.

- Here we are Gasper.

And when you've finished those

I'll have plenty more for you.

- All right, ma'am, I'll get on with these

and come back for more later.

(knocks on door)

- What on Earth do you want?

- You sent for an odd job man.

- Yes, but you're not, well.

- I'm the odd job man.

- Who sent you?

- The gaffer's wife, ma'am.

- Tell her I cancelled the call.

- Um, come to do the odd job, ma'am.

- What did you say?

- Well it says here that you

have a odd job you want doing.

- Oh, oh, go and chop the weeds.

(bells chime)

- Hello, darling.

- Mmm, I'm so tired.

- Oh, that's all right, darling,

I've solved our worries.

- Hmm?

- I've got you some help,

there's a sweet old man

called Gasper.

He's been the handyman in

the village here for years.

Anyway, I've done a deal

with him, and I've given him

some of your calls.

Aren't I a clever girl?

- You've done what?

- I've given him some of your calls.

I did do right, didn't I?

- (laughs) Well, I don't know,

this should prove very interesting.

- And then that

old fool Gasper turned up.

- Yes, and he even turned

up to wash my car.

- Yes, I've had

the same thing as well.

- When I employ a young man

for some hard work,

I expect a young man to turn up.

- We all know what

hard work you wanted doing.

- There's no need to come that

butter wouldn't melt

in my little mouth,

we all know your mouth is the

only little thing about you.

- Oh, let's forget it shall we,

he's made fools of all of us.

And he's taken our money

under false pretenses.

- Yes, very true.

- What's this about, false pretenses?

- It's the new handyman.

- Well, what's he been up to?

No good, that's a certainty.

- Well it's just that some

of us employed him

to do odd jobs and instead

he's sent old Gasper along.

And when he's come,

he hasn't done much.

In fact, he's done nothing.

- Come to think about it,

I gave him an odd job

to do the other day

and he made a complete botch of it.

- We'll have to do something

with this handyman fellow.

A word in your ear, Squire.

- Certainly, Knowles, come

into the study, you know the way.

Follow me, you see what bothers

me is I've-- (fades out)

- Do you think that was wise, dear?

- Well, attack is the best

method of defense.

- There we are, love, one cafe con latte.

Any calls this morning?

- None so far (yawns).

- Have you started breakfast yet?

- No.

- Let's skip it, shall we?

(buffoonish music)

(knocks on door)

(knocks on door)

- Ah.

What's in here?

(muttering)

(knocks on glass)

- Mister Plod.

Yes, Officer, can I help you?

- I doubt it, sir.

I've had several nasty

complaints about you.

- What?

- (chuckles)

Money under false pretenses.

Work unfinished, etc., .etc.

- Well that's just not true.

- Well, that's as may be,

the squire would like to

see you, at the hall.

Tonight, 8:
00.

- What for?

- You'll see, be at

the police station, 7:30.

And.

Don't be late.

- Darling, I'm up here.

- I've gotta go out.

- Oh, hell.

(din of patrons)

- It's a bit early for that, isn't it?

- No, I need it.

Do you fancy another round?

(mumbles)

- What's the trouble,

more women problems?

- Aye, you could say that.

Only now the local knobs are in it.

- No, caught on the job?

- Not on the job is more to the point.

- How do you mean?

- Well, it doesn't matter.

- Tell her.

- Now come on, sometimes it helps

to tell someone, you know.

- B*tches.

- What've they done to you?

- Well, I got so busy, my wife

thought I needed some help.

- She, what?

- Employed this old geezer

to gimme a hand.

(laughs)

Yeah, it's all right for you to laugh.

Now I'm being done

for false, false pretenses.

- Oh no, you poor thing.

What, are they ganging up

on your or something?

- And there's nothing I can do about it.

- Think you've had enough,

why don't you come back

with me and have a coffee?

- Fat lot of good that would do.

- You'd be surprised.

Come on then, come back with me.

Oops.

There we are.

Feeling better, love?

- No.

- Drink the coffee, it helps.

Yeah, for a hangover, perhaps, but not me.

- That's where I come in, listen.

While you were playing

about with all the wives,

did you ever wonder what the

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