The Urn-- An Eddie Hoar & Serwood Doller Caper

The Urn, An Eddie Hoar and Derwood Doller Caper

by Jed Power

Based on characters from the eight-book Dan Marlowe/ Hampton Beach, NH, Crime Series by Jed Power

Contact Info:

Name Jed Power

Email jedpower@verizon.net Phone Number (978) 979-2371

FADE IN:

EXT. OCEAN BOULEVARD, HAMPTON BEACH - DAY

Two men, both 30-ish, are seated on a bench in front of the Seashell Entertainment Stage. Eddie Hoar is a skinny crook with a grin to match and greasy hair. He is wearing bright, out-of-date, disco-era clothes. Derwood Doller, his partner in crime, is a large, slow-witted- looking man with a bowl haircut, wearing cutoff faded jeans shorts that are too tight around his ample thighs. His gray sweatshirt, emblazoned with the word “Harvard” on the front, has the arms chopped off at the elbows. For full-time beach residents, they both have unusually pale skin.

DERWOOD DOLLER (shakes his big head)

I don’t know, Eddie. That’s pretty low...even for you.

EDDIE (LOOKS AT DERWOOD AND

SCOWLS:

Whattya mean, low even for me?

Ain’t nothing low about it. Business is all it is.

DERWOOD:

But stealin’ an old lady’s dead

husband’s ashes? Jeez, we could get jinxed doin’ somethin’ like that. And we got enough bad luck as it is.

EDDIE:

Don’t be so negative, Dumwood.

This is easy dough.

DERWOOD:

I told you not to call me that,

Eddie...you know I don’t like it.

Derwood grabs Eddie in a headlock and with his free hand gives Eddie a hard knuckle noogie on his head.

(howls)

EDDIE:

Can’t ya take a joke?

DERWOOD Not from you, Eddie.

damn short leash with

Eddie gently pushes Derwood’s hand from his head.

I’m on a you.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

EDDIE:

Now stop f***in’ around and let me

tell ya more about this. I’m tellin’ ya, Dum...ahh, ahhh...Derwood, this is gonna be easy money. I was at the High Tide having a beer and this plumber got talkin’ about an old hag he did work for.

DERWOOD:

I thought you was banned from the

Tide for boltin’ on a check? EDDIE (TURNING RED)

That was a misunderstanding. Besides, the owner is on vacation or something, so she wasn’t there.

DERWOOD:

Ya, okay, Eddie. So what’d the

plumber tell you, or did he just show you his plumber’s crack?

EDDIE:

Very funny. This is serious sh*t.

The lady is a little demented or somethin’ and she keeps her husband’s ashes in an expensive urn on the mantlepiece and treats it like a little shrine.

DERWOOD What’s an urn, Eddie?

EDDIE:

That’s a thing they keep dead

people’s ashes in. And this urn is real fancy and probably worth dough even without the ashes. So...we can’t lose. Even if the old hag is glad to be rid of her husband and won’t pay to get him back, we can still pawn the freakin’ urn.

DERWOOD:

I don’t know, Eddie. Screwin’

around with dead people? I don’t like it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
(2)

EDDIE:

Well, how would you like sleepin’

on the beach? If we don’t get some rent money, that’s where we’ll be.

DERWOOD:

I wouldn’t like that, Eddie. It’s cold down there, but at least I wouldn’t have to smell your farts like I do now in our little bedroom. They’re disgustin’ and burn my nose.

EDDIE:

I’m tellin’ ya, this will be an

easy score. Have I ever steered you wrong?

Derwood (surprised)

Well, there was that time at the arcade with the slugs you said wouldn’t jam the machines...um, and that time at the parking lot we took over and you said the boss was out of town...oh, then there was...

EDDIE:

Forget that stuff. I was just

startin’ my career then. I’m in my prime now. This’ll be as easy as pie. You’re such a downer, I don’t know why I let you hang around with me.

DERWOOD:

‘Cause no one else will come near

you, Eddie, that’s why. You screw everybody.

EDDIE:

Now just shut up. I’m gonna tell

you what we’re gonna do.

DERWOOD Oh boy, here we go.

3.

ACT 2

EXT. SIDE OF COTTAGE ON THE SAND - NIGHT

Eddie and Derwood are crouched below the side window of a cottage on the sand of Hampton Beach. Both men are peering around nervously.

DERWOOD:

You sure no one’s here, Eddie?

EDDIE (IRRITATED)

I told you, the plumber said she stays off the beach at her kid’s place all weekend.

Eddie pulls on gloves and Derwood stetches a woolen cap down low on his head.

DERWOOD:

I hope you’re right for once,

Eddie.

EDDIE:

Clam up, Dunce. You don’t see any

lights on, do you?

DERWOOD:

No lights makes it worse. I don’t

like foolin’ around with dead people. It’s askin’ for trouble.

EDDIE:

Put a sock in it, will ya? It’s

just ashes. Pretend it’s just a big ashtray. See if we gotta jimmy the window.

Derwood stretches to his full height and slides the window open a few inches.

EDDIE:

Good. Now get in there and see

what you see.

DERWOOD (VOICE SHAKING)

I don’t wanna go first, Eddie. You go. You’re always makin’ me go first. Besides, I can’t get high enough to boost myself in.

(CONTINUED)

4.

CONTINUED:

Eddie drops to all fours on the sand.

EDDIE:

Get on my back and get up there

and in.

5.

Derwood puts one foot on Eddie’s back and with a grunt brings his other foot and all his weight onto Eddie’s back. Eddie howls and collapses on the sand like a cheap beach chair.

EDDIE:

Get off me, you big lummox.

You’re crushing me.

Eddie and Derwood untangle themselves from each other and stand.

DERWOOD (SMIRKING)

I guess you’re gonna have to go first after all, Eddie.

EDDIE:

You’re thinkin’ of that when you

coulda killed me. I couldn’t breathe, a**hole. Get on your knees.

Derwood gets down on all fours and skinny Eddie hops on his back. No problems this time. Within seconds Eddie has the window open all the way. He climbs inside and sticks his head back out and lowers his hand down toward Derwood.

EDDIE:

Jump and grab my hand. I’ll pull

you in.

DERWOOD (NERVOUSLY Everything okay in there, Eddie?

EDDIE:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get in here,

you clown.

Derwood jumps high as Eddie pulls his arm. A minute later the big man is inside, standing beside Eddie.

INT. FRONT ROOM OF COTTAGE - NIGHT

Eddie has a flashlight on and is splaying the beam around the room. It is a dated living room--sofa, two stuffed chairs and a table with a lamp. Eddie stops the beam on the mantlepiece above a fireplace and directly on to an ornate urn.

EDDIE (EXCITEDLY)

There it is. Just like I told ya. Take it down.

DERWOOD:

I don’t know, Eddie, I got the

creeps.

EDDIE:

I’ll creep you. Get it down, will

ya? I’m holding the flashlight. I can’t do everything.

Both men walk to the fireplace. Derwood puts both hands on the urn and grunts. He starts shaking.

EDDIE:

Jesus, what’s the matter now? Is

it electrified?

DERWOOD:

I can’t move it. It’s stuck.

There are loud scratching noises.

Whattaya mean scratching at merchandise.

EDDIE:

stuck? And stop it. You’ll ruin my

DERWOOD LOOKING AROUND NERVOUSLY) (

I ain’t scratching anything.

EDDIE:

Twist it around. Maybe the old

bag glued it on.

(CONTINUED)

6.

CONTINUED:

7.

DERWOOD:

If she did, she used Superglue.

Derwood turns, looks toward Eddie, his eyes bulging.

DERWOOD Ummm...ahh...Eddie...

EDDIE What’s the matter now?

Derwood points behind Eddie.

DERWOOD Be...be...behind you.

Eddie turns and the flashlight’s beam falls on the face of an ugly and none to friendly-looking dog, who is pawing at the floor and then begins to growl.

Eddie holds up his free hand, palm toward the animal.

EDDIE (VOICE SHAKING) Easy, boy, easy.

The dog growls more and flashes his teeth, as Derwood begins to edge slowly toward a window. Suddenly he makes a dash for it.

DERWOOD:

The window, Eddie, the window.

I’m gettin’ outta here.

EDDIE:

Outta my way! I’m goin’ first. I

came in first, I should leave first..

Eddie collides into Derwood trying to get by him. He shoves Derwood out of his way and heads for the window. He drops the flashlight and, in the dark, all hell breaks loose. The men scream, furniture and lamps tumble over, glass breaks, the dog barks and then the gnashing of teeth. Derwood makes it to the window first, throws it open and piles out. Behind him there are more screams, along with a cacophony of noises.

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