The Wackness Page #5

So I've been dealing

a lot more lately.

I'm just trying to help

my folks out, you know?

I feel a lot

of pressure lately...

You're totally wrong

for each other.

Huh?

I want you to stop seeing Stephanie.

She's not for you.

What's so bad

about me?

She'll break your heart, Luke.

She's just bored.

- That's not true.

- Fine. Ignore my advice.

What? You think she's hot?

You want to f*** her?

Next thing you know,

you've wasted your entire life

on a girl you got nothing

in common with, Luke.

Actually, I was just trying to listen

to your advice, Dr. Squires.

Remember living?

And who said anything

about my entire life?

This is it, Luke. This is your life.

The choices you make.

And I guess you've chosen

to be a hoodlum drug dealer,

who latches onto the only girl

who'll pay attention to him,

simply because he's scared

of being alone.

And what about you?

Telling me not

to take medication.

Your "You don't want me to be like

Times Square" f***ing metaphor.

What the f*** was that?

I mean, you said it yourself, right?

You're on half that sh*t.

You're a f***ing

hypocrite.

Why are you even

hanging out with me, anyway?

Don't you got some friends

your own age?

Don't you feel like

a f***ing weird old idiot,

just trying to relive your high school years

'cause you f***ed them up the first time?

I believe our time is up.

This was a short one,

so I'll just charge you a dime bag.

I made this for you.

# "Can I Kick It?"

by A Tribe Called Quest #

# Can I kick it?

Yes, you can! #

# Can I kick it?

Yes, you can! #

# Can I kick it?

Yes, you can! #

# Can I kick it?

Yes, you can! #

# Can I kick it?

Yes, you can! #

# Can I kick it?

Yes, you can! #

# Can I kick it?

Yes, you can! #

# Well, I'm gone

Go on, then! #

# Can I kick it? #

# To all the people who can

quest like a tribe does #

# Before this

Did you really know what live was? #

# Comprehend to the track

for it's why 'cause #

# Gettin' measures

on the tip of the vibers #

# Rock and roll

to the beat of the funk fuzz #

# Wipe your feet really good

on the rhythm rug #

# If you feel the urge to freak

Do the jitterbug #

# Come and spread your arms

if you really need a hug #

# Afrocentric living

is a big shrug #

# A life filled with #

# That's what I love #

# A lower plateau

is what we're above #

# If you diss us

We won't even think of #

# Will Nipper the doggy

give a big shove? #

# This rhythm really fits

like a snug glove #

# Like a box of positives

is a plus, love #

# As the Tribe

flies high like a dove #

- You're home early.

- My last patient canceled.

Actually, he committed

suicide yesterday.

- Oh.

- Anyway, here I am.

Kristen?

Do you think

I'm a weird old guy?

- Yes.

- You do?

You don't love me

anymore, do you?

I mean...

I don't blame you.

I'm a mess.

You've always been

a mess.

But we were a mess together.

We were a beautiful mess.

Are you taking

your pills?

I don't need pills.

Not those pills, anyway.

What if

we went somewhere?

Got out of the city for a while. Would you like that?

Yeah.

It might be fun.

- Second honeymoon?

- We never had a first one, Jeffrey.

Right.

So, what are you doing

this weekend?

- Nothing.

- Good.

My mom and Squires are going to

Barbados or something,

so my house in

Fire Island is free.

I was wondering if you wanted

to join me for some beachcombing.

Like a date?

More like

a honeymoon.

What'll I do?

You know what people do

on honeymoons, right?

I think so.

It's nice.

- You want some wine?

- Got anything stronger?

- Whiskey?

- Yeah, I'll try.

- Very well.

- You got anything to mix it with?

- Uh, there's some juice boxes.

- Yeah, that's good.

Yo, I made this for you.

- Thanks.

- You're welcome.

This whiskey's

a lot of drunk.

No sh*t.

So, let me

ask you something.

Uh-oh.

What's going on here?

What do you mean?

I've never been

in this situation before.

And what situation

is that?

Chilling

with a girl

that likes me,

who I like.

I'm just wondering,

you know,

what happens?

What happens when

everybody comes back?

What do you mean?

Like, do I turn into a pumpkin?

Basically, yeah.

I don't know.

It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter?

Why not?

Because how could anything

possibly matter right now?

You know what

your problem is, Shapiro?

It's that you just have this really shitty

way of looking at things, you know?

I don't have

that problem.

I just look

at the dopeness.

But, you, it's like you just look

at the wackness, you know?

- I do?

- Yeah.

Well, all you gotta do

is just look at me.

- All right.

- And kiss me.

Kiss you.

Oh...

Take these off.

- Condom? Condom?

- That's what the pill's for.

- You're not really hard.

- No?

Oh, man. F***!

Here.

You know, I never

drank coffee before.

Really? I drink it all the time.

It's like Ritalin.

Yo, Steph, you know, I'm not

trying to be a b*tch or nothing, but...

- What?

- I've kind of never had sex before.

- You're a virgin?

- No!

Nah!

- I just never officially had sex.

- Okay.

I think that's why

I'm nervous, you know?

That's why the thing

with my dick.

Oh, Shapiro, don't worry about it.

It's okay.

I've done it, like,

a hundred times.

- I can teach you.

- I'm down.

You sober yet?

- Probably.

- Okay.

I think it's time

for our first lesson.

# "Bump N' Grind"

by R. Kelly #

# With a little bump n' grind #

# I don't see nothing wrong #

# Hey, baby #

Okay, now.

Just put it in.

Ow. Ow...

Slower, okay? Slower.

Yeah. Now just move in...

No f***ing way.

Did you just come?

You f***ing came.

Oh, f***.

- Are you crying?

- No.

Oh, God.

We haven't stayed up

all night in 10 years.

Yeah, we did.

We did?

Yeah, we did.

New Year's Eve,

four years ago.

Remember that coke that you found

that we hid, from the '80s?

Mmm?

We did it.

We f***ed like little bunny rabbits

on the balcony.

Oh!

We woke up Steph,

and you told her we were out there

trying to save a sick pigeon.

I do, I do.

I do remember that.

What happened

to us, Kristen?

You're kidding, right?

Right.

I'm kidding.

I love you.

I love you, Steph.

I love you, Steph.

I love you.

I got mad love for you, shorty.

That's on the real.

I wanna listen to

Boyz II Men when I'm with you.

Hey, surprise.

Ah!

Right here.

Word.

I love you.

Whoa, dude.

- All right, bye.

- Bye.

- Sunburn.

- Oh, yeah, right.

All right,

I'll see you later.

Thank you.

- I want a divorce.

- Me, too.

Hey.

Hey, sweetheart.

How was your weekend?

- Uneventful.

- You got a nice tan there, Steph.

Yeah?

Anyway, I'm going to bed.

I just wanted to say hey.

Good night, angel.

We love you.

Yo, you've reached Steph.

I ain't home, so leave a message

at the tone. Peace.

Yo, Steph, what up?

It's, uh,

it's me, Luke.

Uh...

I know you said

you'd call me this week,

and, uh,

it's a week from

when you said that, so...

I mean, I guess there's still time

in the week, technically.

I mean, technically,

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes