The Walking Deceased Page #3

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although I do wish you would've shown

your boobies. Was that weird?

But I respect your purity,

no matter what.

I cannot wait for the day

that we can have these heart-to-hearts

without this pane of glass between us.

Just really wanted some moment and...

Jesus.

Figured there'd be a breach

with Shotgun Susan on watch!

You see anything while you were

cleaning up your mess?

- It wasn't near me. It was...

- Must've been from the other side.

Brooklyn, you come with me.

We'll check the front.

Y'all three go around,

check the side entrance.

God damn, Harlem.

You ain't doing good

for your city stereotype.

Hey!

- You think she's just silent for no reason?

- You comin' at me, Slick?

- No, Slick, but listen...

- No. Did you double-Slick me?

This whole ordeal has been so traumatic

for her that she can't speak anymore.

- You don't know what you're talking about.

- Yes, I do. I'm doing it for you.

This is a terrible hiding spot.

No, don't.

Louder entrance than I would've liked,

but it's hard to push open sliding doors

with zero motor skills.

Hope they didn't get the wrong idea.

Just be confident.

Girls like confidence.

But on second thought,

I think I'm just gonna hang back.

Like way back.

Holy sh*t, this is sexy.

God damn it. Hero time.

Smell... like sh*t.

Hot... zombie.

Want... to bang.

Oh, my God. Thank you.

That's so sweet. Wait!

- What the hell for?

- He saved me.

Saved you? Are you crazy? Are you bit?

No, a**hole.

Get your dart gun out of my face.

So let me get this straight.

You, a dead-ass walker,

saved the life of your food

like some sort of vegan zombie?

What's your name, Romeo?

Romeo.

Yeah, that's what... that's what I said.

What's your name?

Romeo.

- Romero?

- He said, "Romeo."

That's so romantic and so dangerous,

but your unrequited

and superficial love for me

totally overcome the very instinct

that keeps you alive.

Y'all okay? Who's this pale,

"Twilight" -looking douche?

It's Romeo. He saved my life,

and he's staying with us.

Hell, no, he ain't. He's a walker.

Think about it. Think about it.

If he's changing, maybe they all are.

He can convince them not to eat us

long enough for him to turn fully human,

and I can get in those dirty jeans.

You want us to risk keeping him around

'cause you're horny?

Yes, absolutely.

We could cut his stupid little zombie

jaw off. He wouldn't bite us then.

That ain't a bad idea.

Chop off them gangly arms of his

so he can't grab us.

And then we could hang our bags

on his skinny-ass neck.

You're not touching him. Where's Harlem?

She's with Green Bay

guarding the entrance.

Only a matter of time

before we get swarmed again.

Whatever.

So... does your sister have,

like, a type of guy that...

I knew it. Awesome.

Okay, so here's what I'm thinking.

I take her to that little,

like, Italian joint,

like the tables there

in the food court... Sh*t!

Here! Camouflage yourself.

No? Okay. I don't know.

Something here...

Hey, I know that guy. It's cool.

He was in a coma for, like, a month,

and he survived with no food and no water,

and he didn't sh*t himself,

which is astounding.

Lower your guns.

And your toys, homeless boy.

- Carl...

- Chris.

Yeah, whatever. They're okay.

- Good to see you, Sheriff.

- Can't say I'm glad to see you...

- Mr. "Put it on my tab. I'm good for it."

- Sh*t.

Can somebody lock up

before this turns into a real party?

Do it, cheesecake.

You boys got Jim or Jack?

I just shot my mother.

I could use a stiff drink.

Nice mall.

Hey, is there a Linen 'n Things in here?

- Let's go, Carl.

- Chris.

Yeah. Thanks for remembering.

Well, it's not a Holiday

Inn Express, but it'll do.

Who's this fricking guy?

- Romeo.

- Romero? Like...

Romeo.

And he saved me from a group attack

while you were shooting out windows.

What's wrong with him?

He's special, can't speak well,

very emotionally damaged,

- and super hot.

- He looks like dead E.T.

He's a hero, and he's staying with us.

- Ain't got the space.

- Camp's not big enough.

And he can share my sleeping bag.

It's not a problem.

Darnell, I see you.

- Did y'all know each other before the outbreak?

- Fate brought us together.

By fate, I mean I was at a gas station

looking for some porn.

Portable reading material.

And old sissy sh*t shooter almost took off

my head thinking I was a zombie.

Lucky enough for me, he's about

as good a shot as Helen Keller,

her being a woman and all.

Felt sorry for the kid. Thought he might

need some extra protection.

Yeah, he'd be dead. So where'd

you meet the girls and dart boy?

Those little b*tches?

Bang.

You know you don't have

to make the sound effects.

- Makes it easier that way.

- No, it doesn't.

Got the dexterity of a cloven hoof.

You're terrible.

Bang.

- Guns, keys, no questions.

- Gun.

Don't have keys. Maxi pads

in the bathroom with the toilet paper.

There might be some Ritz crackers.

One question.

- Can I keep my birth beads, please?

- John freakin' McClane.

Whatever you say, little b*tch.

That's mean. Oh, come on.

- I'm sorry, man.

- You're gonna make me lose my hair, kid.

Darnell, well, he was holed up here

when we got here.

- Ever found that titty mag?

- Still searching.

Did have a pretty romantic night with a

Coldwater Creek catalog, though. Twice.

All right, well, let me know.

Balls just dropped, and...

the only nonrotten hooters I seen

in the last month were my mom's.

Will do, kid.

Ain't nothin' wrong with your mom's

b*obs, baby. All right? Hey.

Brooklyn and I have this,

like, fifth-grade relationship

where she's, like, mean to me

'cause she likes me.

Harlem thinks I should go for it.

At least, I think she does.

She doesn't talk, kind of like you.

Brooklyn tells me you're, like, special,

Something... like... that.

That's incredible, man.

I so, like, admire your courage

and your, like, will to survive

with... your dis... disability.

Sheriff and I talked it through.

We're leaving.

Hold up. What?

Who's gonna assume leadership?

My instinct says Brooklyn,

but I will step up if...

No, Nancy! We mean we're moving on

from the mall, all of us.

Your instincts are way off.

You never defer leadership to a woman.

I'm sorry. Did you forget who robbed you

blind right in front of your eyes?

- Not sure that's as insulting as you think.

- Hey!

This is not a democracy.

The decision's been made.

We're heading to the farm.

So which one of you is the dictator?

- Me.

- Me.

I guess it's one of them di-archy.

That was a steel toe.

- Pack it up!

- Gather your things.

- We're moving out in an hour.

- Make it 55 minutes.

- 45 minutes, we're gone.

- Change of plans. 30 minutes.

- We're leaving right now.

- We should have left five minutes ago.

I'll lead the way.

I know the country roads best.

- But I got a bigger truck.

- Agree to disagree.

- Shut your vagina holes.

- We got company!

- Stand down! Stand down!

- We're not the walking dead!

We're just on a Zombie Walk!

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