The Walking Deceased Page #4

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We are ZALARPing.

- Zalarpine?

- ZALARPing!

What?

Zombie Apocalypse

Live Action Role Playing.

That's like pretending to be Jewish

in the Holocaust.

We're just trying to see

how the other half lives.

Then get on with it somewhere else.

Let's go. We're moving out.

Come on, buddy.

Hustle it up. Hustle it up.

- Y'all drive safe.

- We will. Thanks.

Hey, Gene. You can get up now.

Hey, you guys hear rumors

about that super survivor?

Super survivor?

Rumor has it he's drifting

place to place...

- waxing zombies.

- What do you mean, like bikini wax?

No, man, whack, like the mob.

World needs a hero like that

more than ever.

Who the hell do you hear a rumor from?

You're around the same people all the time.

You know what?

I don't have to answer myself to you.

For all I know, you're the one

telling me the rumors.

Did you ever think of that,

you little Rice Krispie treat?

What?

Green Bay, you know

with your seat selection,

you have set a whole

new precedent for cock blocking.

You are literally blocking Romeo's...

while figuratively blocking your own.

- Ain't cool, man.

- Romeo's cool, right, bro?

- Guess... so.

- Man of few words.

Probably follow his lead, little squirt.

Your talking sure ain't getting

your Mont Blanc in her Moleskein.

- Moleskine.

- Your brat in her buns?

- Your pin in my cushion?

- Somebody sh*t their pants?

That you? You ever take a bath?

- Like before the zombie apocalypse?

- Gun in my holster?

- Pencil in her sharpener?

- Plug in my socket?

You guys know the sixth most

deadly weapon?

Crossbow.

And you know what number five is? Spoon.

You're freaking me out.

Just stare out the window or something.

God damn it!

I think they just hit a zombie.

Hit a zombie.

I will tell you my first zombie kill story.

So I was at the bowling alley...

...so I shot one.

- What about you, Green Bay?

- Brakes.

- That don't make any sense.

- Put your foot on the brakes!

- Sh*t, son, speak up!

- You had half a mile!

Think we're here.

Safe Haven Ranch.

Darnell, lower your weapon. Listen up,

we don't know who these people are.

They seem welcoming enough,

but we don't know their true intentions.

It's a different world we live in now.

We don't know what they had to do

to survive or what they became,

so keep your guard up, everyone.

- I was about to say the same damn thing.

- But you didn't.

These could be cannibals.

They could be hoarding zombies

in a barn somewhere or starting a cult.

That seems far-fetched.

They could be serial killers

using the zombie apocalypse

as an elaborate cover for murdering

everybody that comes here.

Kind of defeats the point. It's already

apocalypse, so why be a serial killer?

- Could be giant spiders.

- He makes a good point on the spiders...

- You never know. You never know.

- ...so with that said, let's be on our toes,

but be benevolent, be vigilant.

Greetings, ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to the Safe Haven Ranch.

Afternoon, sir. I can assure you

we're here to cause no trouble.

I'm Sheriff Lincoln.

Well, howdy there, Detective.

My name is Abraham.

- Sheriff.

- Sheriff.

That's quite a knife

you got there, Abraham.

Don't mind old Betsy here.

She's just used in the barn.

I was on my way there

when I saw y'all pull up.

Hey, y'all thirsty?

My wife just made some Kool-Aid.

Kool-Aid.

Sarah, honey? Would you be so kind

as to bring out your special Kool-Aid?

- We have visitors.

- I'm more a Hi-C guy myself, but let's go.

Come on up to the house.

God, oh, my God.

Crazy old man, knives, makes Kool-Aid.

This is gonna be a bloodbath.

We're completely isolated

from the dangers of the city.

Untouched, nobody around for miles.

You don't mind us asking,

how have you stayed infection-free?

Well, we wash our hands.

Although we have had an illness

in the family here recently.

- Sarah, sweetie. All our guests have come.

- Oh, honey, hi.

I was show...

Well, hello. Welcome, everyone.

Such a big crowd we got here.

- Yes, ma'am. Sorry to impose.

- Oh, it's no imposition. Don't be silly.

We welcome everyone here with open arms.

I just made some Kool-Aid.

Would you like some?

- Green Bay here loves Kool-Aid.

- Oh, no, not...

He loves that sweet,

sweet powdery drink.

- No, you're thinking of Pixy Stix.

- Never seen you eat a Pixy Stix.

Abraham, put that thing down.

People are gonna think we're crazy.

- I forgot.

- Or crazier.

You have a grandson?

Good heavens, you make me feel old.

No, that's our daughter, Isaac.

Your daughter, Isaac?

She made that before the illness,

long time ago.

- She's real talented.

- So will y'all be joining us for dinner?

It's gonna be good food.

- Sure.

- Yeah.

Excuse me, but... we don't allow

strangers to use this door.

- Go around to the side, please.

- Of course.

Okay.

- We're gonna die.

- Hope they got beets.

Yeah, we'll meet you around there.

It'll be easier.

- I'll go get us another chicken.

- Oh, good idea. Good idea.

Hustle it up, Romeo.

Heavenly Father, we thank thee

for the abundance...

Dear Jesus, please don't let

Father Abraham notice my corpse fingers

and realize that I am in fact dead.

Also, please make me human again. Amen.

...and for our guests,

may they find rest in their travels,

and help us to find a pair of gloves

for this young man sitting next to me,

- whose hand feels like dry ice.

- Yikes.

Do you have anything

you would want to add, son?

Thanks... for... the peas.

- In Jesus' name, amen.

- Okay, everybody dig in.

Seriously?

Green Bay, dive on in.

Oh, no, no, no. I insist, ma'am.

You first. Ladies first.

Don't be absurd.

You're our guests. You're first.

Not that I would even know if I were being

poisoned, you know, being dead and all.

Well, Abraham, Sarah,

your daughter Isaac, she's...

We'd rather not discuss her illness.

We don't want you

to catch her... her bug.

So, everybody, eat up.

Save room for dessert.

I've got some special pie

with my secret ingredient.

Sounds delicious.

What is the... secret ingredient?

I can't tell you that.

If I do, then the whole neighborhood

will be putting in orders.

Raw sugar. I'm only one

slice away from diabetes myself.

I'm afraid some of you

might have to sleep on the floor.

I don't think I have enough beds

and couches for everyone.

It's quite all right, Sarah.

We plan on making a camp outside

tonight. Thank you very much.

Actually, shotgun guest bedroom

if it's available.

You got it.

- I have back issues. No.

- More like privacy issues.

Wherever y'all decide

to sleep is fine with us.

- Just make sure you clean up your mess.

- Nonsense.

These hands have seen

every kind of mess there is.

To any living soul,

especially Selena Gomez,

we have left this mall

in search of Safe Haven Ranch.

Also, I've left my list

of my rules for survival.

So they're totally crazy, right?

Consensus on that?

They are definitely hiding

something in there.

Yeah, their daughter.

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