The Walking Deceased Page #5

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Wouldn't be surprised if she's chained

to a bed, growing sludge.

- They sure are nice people, aren't they?

- Yeah, they do seem to be.

Rumor has it there's been people out there

like them waiting for the cure.

I'd bet my bow on it.

Not exactly a happy chip to play there,

Katniss, but point taken.

And who exactly are you hearing

those rumors from?

Guess you ain't never

heard of a tracker.

They want us dead.

I can feel it. We need a plan.

I just hope we made

a good first impression.

Your little angel heart is incapable

of making a bad impression.

Let's make a preemptive assault,

catch 'em in their sleep.

Jesus, kid.

They're a combined 200 years old.

We ain't gotta channel

SEAL Team Six or nothing.

- Felt that reference coming.

- I think we should wait until the morning

to do anything.

I could use a good night's sleep.

Or at least a warm body

to share my sleeping bag with.

Half chub? I got a half chub. I'm alive!

I guess I'll go take first watch.

There's nobody around here

worried about anything.

I'm actually colder next to you.

Those creepy old a**holes try anything,

at least someone will be ready.

- I love you.

- I love you, too.

It's a good idea, Carl.

- I'll stay up with you for a while.

- Chris.

You can call me Dad, son.

Get some sleep, Pops.

Nope.

Thank you for the hypothermia

and poison Kool-Aid, Father Abraham.

- My hair gets poofy if I don't towel-dry.

- You smell like lilacs.

Yeah, I do, because they infuse it

into their homemade soap.

Enjoy smelling like homeless butthole

and sleeping on dirt, b*tches.

Kate Upton, I will paint

your body someday.

Hello?

Father Abraham?

Sarah?

Brooklyn?

You guys hear that? Hey, wake up!

- Dad? Wake up!

- Carl.

Let's get in there

and save that little p*ssy.

- Should we, though?

- Yeah, we should. Come on.

Weird dude.

- Rape!

- No, no, no, no, no! Stop it! Stop it!

- Who are you?

- I'm a guest of your parents!

My parents don't have guests.

Why are you here?

We were traveling outside the city, and we

heard that your farm or ranch or whatever

was a safe haven,

which it totally says that it is.

I'm with, like, a huge group.

They have a camp outside.

Did you not see them?

They have, like, a roaring campfire.

- I have night blindness.

- Oh, my God, me, too.

- Why are you inside?

- I have back issues.

- Me, too.

- Really?

Good God, dude!

Are you torqued right now?

You're way hotter than I thought

you were gonna be and also not dead.

What are you guys doing in here?

We're here to save your ass

from that zombie b*tch.

- Don't say that word in here!

- Yeah, she's not a B.

- No, the Z word.

- Why?

My parents don't know

the world has turned to sh*t.

- How is that possible?

- They never leave the property.

They don't have a TV,

and they don't listen to the radio.

I mean, I turn it on once a day

just to see if anything's changed.

I love this song.

- And you haven't told them, because...

- Have you seen how old they are?

I mean, they would literally

have a heart attack

if they knew they weren't

taken in by the Rapture.

So where have you, like,

been this whole time?

We totally thought

you were a zom... a Z.

Your parents kept talking

about your "illness."

I don't have an illness.

I just got into a little fight with them

'cause they caught me smoking a ganj.

With...

with marijuana?

Totally cool, tubular. Like, yeah.

Do that stuff all the time.

I didn't used to. I mean, I just started

after I saw some of that sh*t.

You can say that again, Janis.

Joplin?

I mean, if that reference is too young

for you, she was a huge stoner.

- It ain't funny if you have to explain it.

- You get it.

So your parents found out and shunned you

or something? That's pretty harsh.

My parents are pretty old-fashioned. Staying

in the barn just keeps them off my back.

How long are you guys

planning on staying?

We hadn't really...

We kind of thought that your parents

were crazy killers hiding Z...

Zom... Z's, so...

Sorry I freaked you out.

You probably thought I was some,

like, zombie rapist or s...

- The scummiest of all the Z-words.

- Right. Only living rape for me.

- Cut and run, kid.

- That was a joke.

I would never... Like, rape is bad.

I'm not a raper... rapist.

I would never... I haven't even...

You know what? I'm gonna go ahead and...

never recovering from that one.

- Good morning, everybody.

- Morning.

I just wanted to thank you for being

the biggest cock-block ever last night!

I'm sorry, princess.

Hey, did you say your prayers?

Yeah, always. I assume you didn't.

Kind of explains your attitude

towards life and everything.

- Tea bag?

- Oh, my God.

Nope.

- Well, good morning, everyone.

- Morning, Abraham.

Still got his toys, I see.

Well, this looks like the beginning

of another beautiful day,

another blessing from our God in heaven.

We would like to introduce you

to our daughter Isaac.

She's feeling better,

and she wanted to meet you.

What's up, everybody? Nice day.

Hi. So very nice to meet you

for the first time ever.

Y'all are welcome to stay for as long

as you like, but if you're going to,

I'd like to ask you if you could

kind of help out around here a little.

My back's beginning to feel its age,

and, of course, Isaac is a little limited,

- being a woman and all.

- He's right. My place is in the kitchen.

We're more than happy to help out, Abraham.

Whatever we gotta do to earn our keep.

Actually, we could use quite

a bit of help sowing our oats

and gathering up brush and firewood.

Lucky for you, I am very good

at sowing my own oats.

- Oh, that's great.

- Tea bag?

I always liked this better as a parable.

Yeah, well... at least we're not running

from brain-thirsty a-holes.

You can't be brain-thirsty.

You don't drink brains, idiot!

Ease up on the kid, Brook.

I'm sure you can squeeze

some juice from a nice ripe brain.

Clearly you're unaware of his supreme

ability to be a huge little b*tch.

Well, he seems manly enough to me.

He can sow his oats like a pro.

Prepare for disappointment

when it comes to shooting off on time

or in the right direction.

You seem especially gritchy today,

Brooklyn. You stressed?

- Need a release?

- Not if you have anything to do with it.

I think I can help. I do know a place

that can be a great stress relief.

- I ain't opposed. Romeo?

- I'm... super stressed.

Whatever it is, I'm in.

Welcome to my stress ball.

Come on in.

- Not what I expected.

- Impressed, though.

Props, farm girl.

I... prefer... meth.

Kidding.

I... yeah, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I definitely always... always...

always prefer to... to... to...

to relieve stress, like... with...

with that... with... with drugs.

It's... it's my... thing.

Yeah?

- What you got in there?

- It's my own special blend.

I call it Hash of the Living Dead.

That's actually kind of creative.

Holy sh*t.

If I had a working brain,

I'm sure this would be awesome.

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